Standing Out.....by Katheryn Cordes

We get a lot of attention when we are out in public. Not an outing goes by without at least one comment on our family. I know we are visually striking: Caucasian parents, three African American kids ages 4 and under. I'm sure my kids being stinkin' cute doesn't help matters either . . . or maybe its the fact that they like to be heard as well as seen. What ever it is, we stand out. 

Growing up as the eldest of 12, I am no stranger to comments. My mom was consistently asked....

"Are they all yours???" 

"Are you done yet?"

and

 "Are you going to have MORE??" 

My mom always answered charitably and kindly, and because of that, it never bothered me. I was proud of my many siblings. Even though we only have three kids so far, I get my fill of comments too. I get all the adoption classics and then some:

 "Are you their real parents?" 

"Where did you get them from?" 

"Are they sisters?" 

"No, but are they REAL sisters?" 

"Did they cost a lot of money?" 

"What happened to her real mom?" 

"Are they adopted?" 

"Do you put makeup on their skin to make it dark?"

 Or my personal-not-so-favorite, "Is he (pointing secretly to Matt with a knowing look) the dad?" 

People are curious.
They want to make sense of an image that does not make sense.
Getting these comments didn't bother me when the kids were younger. I knew people meant well and offensive comments were usually just made out of ignorance. I am having a harder time with it now that my girls are getting older and are very aware of the comments we get.

The children of course know that they are adopted. We have talked about it openly from day one. But when their adoption and differences from us is the one thing pointed out over and over everywhere we go, it bothers me because I do not want that to be the thing they define themselves by. 

Yes, they were adopted.

 It is an important part of them that we honor and hold dear. 

But that is not all they are.

 Take my gorgeous son. Yes, he is adopted. Yes, he has very dark skin. Yes, you cannot believe he is from Michigan because he looks so ethnic he just MUST be from Ethiopia. 

But my son is also....

 curious

 charming

 intelligent

 a chatterbox

 with big opinions that

 he loves expressing

 and the biggest sweetheart who loves kissing his Momma. My children are so much more than where they came from. 

The most interesting thing about them is not the circumstances of their birth. 

I have come to realize that while I can't control the comments people make in front of my kids, I can control the response I give. My kids will watch me smile and beam with pride. They will see that I am comfortable with our differences and talking about them. They will hear me affirm that I am their real mom, that they are sisters, that we are their parents, that we love them and are blessed by them. They will hear that I find fulfillment in being their mom and that there is no where else I would rather be. That will mean so much more to them than what a stranger notices. 

The other day I realized that maybe there is more to this adoption curiosity than meets the eye. Maybe adoption is more tied to integral identity than I had realized. No, my children do not get their identity from the fact that they were adopted by us. But they do get it from the fact that they were adopted by God, just like you and me. God is their Father, and that is their beginning, end, and daily middle. That is where they will find the heart of their significance, their purpose and the sum of who they are. Who their biological parents are is a part of that. Who their adoptive parents are is a part of that. But who their Father is - IS that.

Now that is an image that does not make sense. That the Creator of the world would seek us, choose us, want us to be His sons and daughters. 

That stands out.

Katheryn Cordes is a guest blogger and has written here before. She is the stay~at~home mother of 3 beautiful children and wife of Matthew Cordes. Katheryn is a graduate of Thomas Aquinas College in California and is an accomplished artist in Iconography.

Character

"Character is not something you teach, it is something you observe at home"  

This is a close quote to something I read today and so true. 

Can you teach good character? I don't think so. 

Can it be done in a lecture, a class, a sermon?  What about in discipline?

Nope.

I observed good character traits in my Mother during my formative years and in her speaking about her own years growing up in a good home. She spoke frequently of how she was raised and I always loved hearing about that, but it was her actions that spoke louder than any lecture or book or lesson on character building ever could.

She had/has a gentle, calm, serene way about her. She has strict boundaries, used in a gentle way  that allow her to be at peace and know where her strengths and weaknesses are. She knows when to say yes and when to say no so she neither hurts herself nor anyone else. I admire this in her and she has taught me well. I hope I have taught my children this as well.

I read a book once on character building and it was good. There was one thing in particular I remember from it and it was this.....

Every "bad" trait has an opposite good trait and vice versa. Or, in religious terms, every vice has an opposite virtue. This is a wonderful thought when training up children to know that this opposite trait business can be used for the good. Let's face it, to have an argumentative, never-let-it-go sort of kid doesn't sound too appealing to a parent but if guided properly you may have an attorney in training right???  If we can take their natural traits and teach them to use those for the good we foster character building.

Do you have a little Jane or Johnny who takes apart your doorknobs, your DVD player, maybe even your computer? You may be very aggravated but you may also have an engineer in your midst. It's helpful to learn to look at what our children can do with the things that may annoy us. If we give them the freedom to use their talents with something they cannot hurt then we teach them their talents are needed. That they are needed in the family fosters character.

We had some plumbing problems. We decided that we would let one of the older boys (meaning a 12 year old!) try and fix it. We would have had to call the plumber anyway so why not let him read up on it, give it a whirl and do his best? He was our guy who took everything apart.

He did a great job!! He had a bit of help and we did not have to pay a plumber and to this day does most of our plumbing!! He got so much confidence from that and this does so much for a child's character as a man-in-training. 

Do you have a show off, a real people loving child?  Take them to the local old folks home and let them chatter away. We have one of those and she frequently goes and plays piano and sings to them. She has read stories and just sits and talks to them. One little old gal thinks Mary is her old school chum so Mary plays along with the game. This is our people person and she brings great joy to these people who are often forgotten. This fosters great character in a child.

We have a son who is also a people person and he too likes older people. His friends his own age used tease him because he "hangs out with old guys". Sheesh. Yeah, he had several "old guys" in their 70's who he loved to visit with, hunt with, work for, be teased by and tell jokes to. They loved him and bossed him around and were thrilled someone his age cared enough to hang around with them. We don't really live in a world like that anymore. We encouraged his friendships. Mike's character was formed by these "old guys" and we are thrilled they took the time to "hang out" with him. This was good old fashioned character building.

We have mostly introverted children out of our 8. Everyone strives to get them"out of their shells". They do not want to be "out of their shells".  They are happy right where they are and we love them just the way they are.  They are polite, they smile and say "hello" appropriately and are not "shy". They have solid characters.

I know it's shocking but do you know that one half the population is INTROVERTED. Yes, I'll say it again ONE HALF of the population is introverted. 

And being quiet (this is not the same as shy) is not a negative character trait folks.  It is not a pathology nor is it something to conquer.  

There is a wonderful book I have mentioned here before and I highly recommend if you know, love or are an introvert. It is called "Quiet, The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Meticulously researched, with dozens of studies and real life stories, this book is excellent. Susan herself is an introvert who was a high powered attorney. It tells how up until the 20th century so called "advice manuals" on character spoke in terms of attributes like...

Duty

Work

Golden Rule

Honor

Morals

Integrity

Manners

These are easily had by both introverts and extroverts alike. 

However, by the 1920's the words had dramatically changed to....

Magnetic

Fascinating

Stunning 

Attractive

Dominant

Forceful

Energetic   

(the above lists are from the book "Quiet")

It is no coincidence that in the 1920's Americans had become obsessed with movie stars.  How many movie stars come across as introverts?  The time for introverts was over and it had become a pathology to be an introvert, something to be "overcome". A character trait to be rid of.

I myself have had to learn the value of this trait. It is one I now see as important to society as it's foundation because of their ability to wait, watch and listen before doing anything. To ponder, to keep things in one's heart. Introverts are wonderful, I am married to one. Extroverts are pretty special too. Both types of people are wonderful. The character traits they each possess compliment each other and both are necessary. Buy that book and study it. It's exceptional.

Character building begins the very day a baby is born when they begin to watch their parents interact with one another and the world around them. It's everything we do as parents when we are not thinking about it that matters. The way we speak when we don't know the children are listening, the way we talk to each other when company is not around. 

It's returning to the store when the change is incorrect and the 8 year old has seen you count it. 

It's giving back the extra fry in the McDonald's bag even though you know they will throw it away.

It's not talking on your cell phone in the car, not because you have checked and you know it's safe but because the LAW SAYS IT IS NOT and if you get to decide which laws you get to follow then SO DO THEY WHEN IT'S THEIR TURN.

This list can go on for eternity.

Character is never doing what you do not want your children to do. And of course always doing what you want your children to do.

In a perfect world this would be easy and of course we all know this is not a perfect world. But a great deal of effort pays off big time. Seeing our kids do the right thing is beyond rewarding. Watching them do the wrong thing is coming too and forgiveness must be there.

This parenting business is exhausting but we did sign up and we have to run the race until it's finished which Ed and I have recently figured out is NEVER......sigh. Ugh.  We sort of thought this 8 kid thing would be done when they grew up but it isn't turning out that way....exactly.

We still worry. We still care. We still feel ill if they get really sick. We still stress when they are stressed. Geez.....

But God is good and they are all smart, make pretty good decisions, they all have good characters and we all laugh a lot. My Mom is proud and I am thankful. This big family business is fun if nothing else.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Hitting...A Hard Title

I want to write this post in a sort of vacuum. I would like it written and read not as a finger wagging post nor as a "look how terrible these parents are" post. I really am still trying to find out why a certain behaviour is so common among parents in this country yet so ineffective. 

What drives it? What compels parents to believe it works? Why is it acceptable within a family yet not in the workplace or in society? Why is it legal one day and considered assault the next? Is it defended by Holy Scripture? Is it always wrong? Is it always right? 

Hitting. 

Not spanking a small child on the bottom.

Hitting an older child or teen or young adult.

Hitting. Shoving. Badgering. Insulting.

Are you angry yet?

Many of you are.

Is your heart beating faster? Is it because you are the hitter? Or is it because you have been hit?  Is it because this wounds you or because you feel justified in striking another person because they "belong" to you?

This interests me because I grew up with a parent who has never yelled at me even once. I was never hit by my Mom who had amazing self control always. I have many other posts about speaking to children if you're interested.  I am truly interested in this subject because I don't "get it". I do not wish in this post to criticize per se.  I am not going to address all the questions above, only some. I will not get into the Biblical issues regarding spanking as that is a never ending mess. I will address more later but today I talk about the self control exerted at will. I use the word "child" here to mean around
8-18 years. So here we go.

If you sit on the outside like a spectator and watch the last confrontation you may have had with your child that ended in a slap or push or hit, what did that look like?  What did it sound like from the outside in your new observer seat?

How would it have sounded to a kind, older neighbor? How would it have sounded to your pediatrician or Pastor? How about your child's teacher?

What was your demeanor that day?  Were you having a good day or bad? Were you over booked, over worked?  Were you in a hurry?  Was your confidence low, your self esteem attacked by someone else? Was there something or someone else who already had your blood boiling? Remember..... turn off your defensive mode as you read.

Does this child "push your buttons"?

In this same day would you have spoken to your spouse the same way? Would your spouse have also been hit?  Would your Mother-in-law have been hit? Your best friend?  Your boss?  Your neighbor? The idiot on the road who cut you off? The old lady in the store who's cart was in your way?

The family is getting ready for church on Sunday and there is chaos. Suzie cannot find her shoes, Johnny is fighting with Ben and your husband can't find his belt. You look like Attila the Hun and you're all late. Now the child who pushes your buttons says something rude that sets you off and you are DONE. What happens next?

What is so very interesting is......

When that happens at work there is no slap. When it happens within members of the family that are not your children there is no hitting. When you get seriously mad, when you are so darn frustrated and angry you could just spit there is no slap.

Why?

I want to know this answer. It is an interesting sociological phenomenon.

But when you have had it, have been running all day, dinner is late, Johnny has said the wrong thing and you are in your own home with no prying eyes a slap or insult is easy.

Does it work? Do you get the result you want?

Does the child smile and say, "Okay, No problem" and skip off and do just what you wanted in the first place?

Then I suppose in theory it would be worth the hit or shove or slap. But does it?

I really, really want folks to sit back, put on different eyes and see the situations when this happens and ask different questions and see if this behaviour works and if it doesn't, what does it produce? What would it produce in you if it happened to you today?

Do you know you can slap, shove, hit a 17 yr old kid and it is perfectly legal as long as you do not leave a mark, but on the day of their 18th birthday it is a crime? It's assault and rightly so. Now does that make any sense at all??  Behaviour that can get you arrested one day is acceptable the day before?  Hmmmm. Something to think about.

For this moment, don't get mad, don't feel guilty. Think logically about if this works and if it does not. Think why you do it to your child and why you do not do it to everyone else you know. That you have self control for everyone else but not them. Is there common sense in this to an outsider from another planet who is watching this behaviour?  That we would hit, shove, slap those we love the most, those who we would NEVER allow anyone else to harm?

 What IS this mechanism?

It is a very interesting thing to ponder.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Peace and Schedlues

Kids like to know what's going on.

Mom's get tired of answering a million questions a day about what is happening next.

One word.....Schedules

I know, if you aren't a Type A who thrives on lists and schedules this may sound daunting.  I promise it is not. Even a loose schedule results in less whining, better behavior and less real-time thinking for Mom! 

Kids do better knowing what is going on and when. If breakfast is always at 8:00 they know what to expect. If the kids always go outside at 11:00 they know after they come in it's time for lunch. If they take their daily nap after lunch you will get far less whining if it's always after lunch. My Grammy used to always say in response to a "why" question, "It's the law of the land"!  I used that so often when my children were younger and it always satisfied them. The attitude of, "oh well, it's just how it is" helps kids to shrug and accept.

One perk to a schedule is it allowed me to know when I would get a bit of time to myself to read, get something done or time for a phone call to a friend. I could look forward to that time each day and the break it offered. Some days it was my lifeline!!

As a natural scheduler, I always followed a daily schedule with pretty firm nap times. I had friends who were not schedule types and they frequently struggled with daily meltdowns as kids got over-tired.  If naps are in stone, kids will accept them much better. Some of mine would even ask to go night-night and I would always know it must be close to 1:00PM.  When kids get rest they are much more pleasant for the rest of the day.

Meals at our house were pretty much on schedule too. Once the kids could tell time it saved me answering, "What time is dinner"? 101 times a day! I also posted a menu so when they asked what was for dinner I could refer to it. When they learned to read they could just go look for themselves.

Setting up your day not only helps children, it helps Mom when the old brain feels like mush. By the middle of the week it's pretty hard to keep your brains on track if you have little ones. My menus and schedule helped me stay cheerful when I didn't always feel very cheerful. 

Another thing that helped my children's behavior a lot was not over scheduling our day. I pretty much kept to an activity either morning or late afternoon (after naps) and maybe something for the family at night. Never all 3 or behaviour issues would inevitably arise. I think this is a huge issue for families now. Kids are booked like executives. Morning, afternoon, evening then falling into bed.  I really think this fosters being overwhelmed and family strife as members rush around trying to meet time deadlines.

We have always had "quiet time" in our home. Every weekday the children who didn't nap had their "quiet time" where they could read, do puzzles, draw, their choice of activity as long as they were quiet. Many years ago I read a Mother Theresa quote that spoke of quiet. She felt we all needed quiet to find God and peace in our days. I know for myself, I need quiet time to re-charge and organize my thoughts. It keeps me from getting too high strung and too fast paced which results in tension with the kids. This "quiet time" worked beautifully in that all our children to this day enjoy quiet with no music or T.V. needed. This is super important in our media saturated world.

If you cannot abide schedules and they make you feel like a prisoner, maybe just scheduling naps for the same time each day will help behavior issues. Maybe just easing off on overly busy schedules will bring more peace to your home and life. Just being together is a priceless endeavor that doesn't seem to be valued as highly as achieving many things per day. 

Value it.

Treasure it.

It disappears too quickly as children age and go off on their merry way.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Speaking to a Child

Our children are assets, not liabilities, yet so often we treat them as possessions and not persons by the way we speak to them.

How we speak to our kids is one of the most important things we practice in parenting. How something is said to a child, whether 6 yrs. or 26 yrs. is critical in what their reaction will be. This puts a lot of weight on our speech and manner.  Probably more than we like or are comfortable with.

Have you ever been ready to be helpful or compliant or cheerful only to have someone give you instructions in a condescending or sarcastic tone and you find yourself acting or speaking in an ugly way?  I have.  Minutes before, you were ready to do whatever was asked, now you are snotty, belligerent and not communicating very well. 

This is exactly what happens with parent/child communications so often. It is also the number one question I'm asked by young mothers, "How do I get the kids to listen to me"? One of the things I found to be simple and effective, is to..... 

speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Most folks would never speak to a friends' child the way they speak to their own. It's destructive in the long run because we are not giving the children we love and nurture the same consideration we give those outside the family. It's so simple really and not very hard if we can remember that little sentence.....

I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Trying to overcome a habit of speaking critically or sarcastically or condescendingly to a child is a noble thing. Because we rarely examine how we speak to our children the negative speech becomes normal and then we cannot figure out why we aren't getting compliance. Think about how you give an order....is there an invisible "stupid" at the end of the sentence?

Thankfully it is pretty simple to make the effort to change this. Try to keep remembering your children are more important to you than other children and should be spoken to as such.  I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child. Write it down, put it on your mirror, on your cupboard, in your car. It doesn't require any methods or certain kinds of words, or anything complicated. Pretend you are speaking to your best friends' child and you're there!

It is instant gratification too. You will be proud of your ability to stay calm and cool when the kids may not be.

This requires self control obviously. One of those very difficult things to practice because individuals are so different in what they believe control is.  When a child isn't speaking to a parent properly, it is then that we need control of our face and voice and speech. They must see the parent in control at all times if a child is to learn self control.  It is not as hard as it sounds, but consistency is the key. Every time, any place, regardless of circumstance. 

Arguing back at a child is a major no-no if you want compliance. You are not on their level, you are trying to teach them to be on your level eventually.

There are those who would say a sassy child deserves to be spoken to in a harsh way. I disagree. Again, how would you deal with your best friends' child if they were to be sassy to you?  The calmer you are, the more in control you are the better your message is heard. You can be firm and kind at the same time. You are the adult, you are ultimately in control, but the way you gain control is the teaching moment for children.

After all, our children are our most precious assets, they should know we value them as much as any other people in our lives. Children can feel disrespect from adults. They can feel when they are being spoken down to. This does not encourage compliance.

When they feel valued, they want to please.

When they are complimented they want to do more.

If they are understood and comforted when they fail, they experience mercy.

When they see we do not over react and judge, they come to us willingly.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Unconditional Attention

"I sent her a note thanking her for being so ‘there’ during our lunch. I didn’t know how else to express my joy. She wrote back, ‘I was there, fully there, because I wanted to be.’ It was wonderful. And maybe it was a silly thing to thank someone for, but to me, today, anyone’s time and attention feels like such a huge gift."

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes.”

These are two short excerpts from a favorite blog of mine,  Hands Free Mama.

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes."...... and maybe the same thing. I run into conditional attention often....so often. I see it in public, I experience it with my adult children, my husband and I can get my feelings hurt by friends who divide their attention when with me. I only give a certain percentage of my attention depending on what I may be doing.This is a new cultural phenomenon. It is not a good one.

Being a Mom of a large family and especially one that homeschools, time with unconditional attention is precious. Time connecting with my children is what my life is about. Especially now.

In the days before I had multiple brain surgeries and went from a 100mph speedway gal to a school zone gal of a whopping 25 mph, I never stopped in the day except for my 10 minute power naps. I lived on a schedule, had goals and had more than enough to do each day for my children and husband. My life revolved around them and each day I served them with all of my heart and soul. This is what I had always wanted, then was blessed to be able to do. I tried my hardest (and sometimes failed) to stop and pay attention anytime any of them needed to show me something wonderful or tell me something important.  But I was always needing to get to the next thing so they did not get unconditional attention.

After my first surgery I spent a long time living in constant guilt and sadness that I was not the mom to my younger 3 that I had been to the first 5. This was something I had always sworn would not happen...that I would not poop out in the homestretch.  Now I was not able to do field trips or hikes or, for awhile, even go outside. In the wheelchair was how they saw me, not the always-walking-fast me from before. I couldn't just throw them in the van and go to the zoo for the day or spend time at friends' house on the spur of the moment like we used to.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

One day as I lay reading to them I realized with a bang that I WAS LAYING THERE READING TO THEM!  Big DUH.  I was thrilled. I was happy. I was shocked. It was okay that I was not doing things for them. I was with them....unconditionally.

How can a relatively smart Mom be so darn dumb? The forest was before me and I had been lamenting having no trees.These little boys had so much more of me than my older children. There definitely were things they were not getting to do, places they didn't get to go but they had my undivided, unconditional attention because I couldn't DO anything else!

Now that I can do a bit more, I choose not to DO too much, GO so much, get so much DONE. I see that efficiency may not be such a great thing all the time. Sitting, talking, laughing, listening, sharing is what I have to offer now. It's different but it's awesome. I still at times, long for the days running around being efficient, but I now do not have to regret not spending quantity or quality time not only with my youngest 3 sons but with the older kids as well. I have time to listen to their very important adult problems, struggles, achievements and bad jokes. I concentrate and stop everything to give these older guys unconditional attention. It can be exhausting but is ALWAYS worth it.

This revelation has also taught me that unconditional attention is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Whether it's my children or my husband , a friend or even the checker at the grocery store. Giving unconditional attention to anyone matters and boy do people notice. Our society is so stinkin' fast paced now, that giving a bit of decent attention is a real...well...attention getter!  I can see someone's demeanor change when I just take the time to really listen or ask a question..... stop and pay attention.

We can all feel when we do not have someone's attention...right?  Let's make it unconditional and we all benefit.

This goes for my relationship with God too. 
It is a struggle to give Him unconditional attention. 
Unconditional.
Rough word. 
Just being with God. 
No "conditions". 

I have fallen in love with this wonderful phrase. I have always tried to pay attention to people but the additional word, unconditional, is just something special.

Thank you Hands Free Mama

~Blessings~
Lisa

A Lovely Question

The other day my oldest son, 25 years young,  asked me in the kitchen, "How old were we when you stopped spanking us, because I cannot remember ever being spanked". He had been having a conversation with some room mates and this was their topic.

First of all my heart surged. He had good memories of his childhood. He didn't remember ever getting in trouble. That means the good far outweighed the hard. Yay. I was so happy and thankful about his question.

As I stood there I could see him long ago in his feet jammies, rumpled hair, yelling and running around with the red satin cape I had sewn for he and his brother, sword held high! Wasn't it yesterday? How could he be 25 and have a full time job and home of his own thinking back on his childhood? 

Didn't he remember the days of my exhaustion, grumpy attitude, telling he and his siblings over and over to do this or that?  Didn't he remember the chaotic bath/bedtimes and being told to shush and go to sleep?  Maybe, but his memories are happy and good of those days.

He was number 2 so I was still new at this Mommy business. It was a little while before I discovered peace amidst the chaos!

I told him we had always had a plan for discipline and that consistency when he was 1,2,3 meant I would not have to discipline near as much at 5,6,7.  This has held true for all 8 of our children. We were super consistent not because we are great parents but because in the long run it's easier on us!  I wrote about it here Or Else..... 

We believe that to discipline is to disciple which means to teach. Our job is not to punish but to make a child see his wrong and want to make it right. To teach them how to do things a better way. Hopefully to make them want to take the High Road in all things. This is/was a tall order but the only one worthy of parents who wish to teach.  This is not to say, however, that the kids have not had to make reparation to those they hurt or to make up for deeds that were destructive. Or....that I didn't totally lose it sometimes.

It matters to me a great deal that my children have good memories. I believe this sets them up for a well adjusted life. Not a perfect life but one with a solid foundation.  This question from my son made me hopeful that the good will outweigh the more difficult parts of childhood.  It was one of those moments as a Mom we all wait for. One of those cherished moments when you know you might have done okay. It was lovely.

~Blessings~

 Lisa

Choices

Do you have a child who you seem to forever be at odds with?  Is everything a struggle or argument?  If you say yellow socks she says red?  You want khakis for church wear and he says jeans?  How about some oatmeal and they want muffins? This can be a miserable existence.

Here's a helpful hint.  Give them choices. Choices that you like. If they have 2,3,even 4 choices and they are all choices you like then you are happy and they feel they have some control. Some kids need this, others are happy with whatever you choose for them. 

It's not a bad child who needs to exert some control. It isn't something they do to bother you even if it feels that way!  Their personal choices are not a personal attack against you they are just....choices. 

Those kind of kids pop out that way.  An easy going Mom may handle this but a more regimented one may go into fits over trying to force a child into compliance. I've seen this play out with sad, disastrous consequences. It isn't a discipline issue. It's personality. You won't win forcing the issue, you will just be miserable and the child loses.

It can turn into a discipline issue if you are forever arguing over things and they come to expect this with each request. We train them by our actions and reactions.

Sometimes it's how a parent presents the request. If the request is delivered with that sing-song "and I-don't-want-to hear-anything-about-it" at the end, you can count on a response you don't like. Kids know what you expect and if you expect non-compliance you'll get it. I rarely got a grumpy kid after giving them several choices then telling them it was a great choice. 

We even had nurses do this many times in the hospital. One of our sons was repeatedly in the hospital as a small child. The wonderful nurses would give him choices about how he could help them. Important choices that mattered. This took his fears away because that's what most stresses patients out in the hospital....lack of control over what is happening.  He would always choose to flush his own I.V.'s and that helped him be calm and compliant. Those gals knew what they were doing.

Give them choices. It's a great trick, and it's a win/win effort. Try it!

~Blessings~

Lisa

Rising to the Call.....

You know,  as parents we often wonder if we are doing okay in this parenting endeavor. In fact it can be an all consuming fear that we are not doing it right.  I can go along just "doing" life and then it hits me ,"Am I really doing any good with these kids", "Do they love God and their neighbor?"?  "Am I getting anywhere with teaching them how to get along in life", "Do they appreciate all we do for them"?  and on and on.  I really can't tell you how many hours I have spent thinking I didn't do enough, didn't provide enough, been creative enough to raise good, holy, thoughtful, patriotic children.  My whole life has been dedicated to this and it matters to me....a great deal, so to dwell on what I might be doing wrong is acutely painful.

One of my closest friends, a Catholic priest, can tell you how often I have had a meltdown that I am not doing very well in this Mothering business. He tells me always that yes, we are doing fine. But I don't think we as Moms can see this because we are too close. We don't see how they might be when we are not over their shoulders giving direction. I think this is common for all Moms once your children get beyond the toddler years and into the world. When you see them make mistakes, or maybe not do what you would do in a given situation or treat someone in an unkind way.  When you try and instill a kind spirit, or a sense of responsibility and you feel like you just do not see any fruit.

We have a strange life in that we live in a medical circus. Our lives are intricately interwoven with medical problems, appointments, surgeries, equipment, meds, etc. We are used to our odd life. It is normal for us. But I can sometimes step back and look at it and feel a sadness at a lack of the normal normalcy (as opposed to our normalcy) that many others enjoy.  I feel guilty that we don't do what other families do or go where other families go. There is a whole book waiting to be written on this but what I want to share in this post is the wonderful thing that comes out of this mess.

We have seen over and over that when we have an emergency or extended medical trip for neurosurgeries, our older children rise to the call like champs. I want to make it clear I am not bragging. I hope to encourage you that at the times you really wonder if you've raised a self-centered ax murderer......you probably have not simply because you care enough to wonder about it! 

I was cleaning out my school stuff from this last year and ran into two essays from two of the younger boys. I assigned the topic from the hospital in NYC after having another surgery. We were supposed to be gone about 10 days but it turned into a month when my hospital stay extended to 2 weeks.  The essay was on what they thought of being left behind again while Mom and Dad were gone. This was not new to them. Since they were toddlers they have experienced this difficult phenomenon. It has not been easy. The essays were so funny, sad, wonderful and telling that I felt a bit better after reading them.

The essays included being thankful how the older kids took them to the park, to Costco for hot dogs, on walks on the bird trail, and many other things. They also wrote of being bored and sad. They missed us yet both essays stated that they, "Were not worried about Mom because she has lots of surgeries and it's normal now."  This makes my heart warm and a little less guilty.  I never want them to worry about me to excess.

The essays also told about who did not do their chores, who did not pick up their things etc.!!  I thought that was funny because the younger boys picked up after them!  They wrote of the house just not being the same without Mom and Dad.

 We recently were gone for 2 months on a medical trip including 3 brain surgeries on 3 different people in this family!  Our older children took care of our home and anything that needed to be handled so darn well. Even their girlfriends cleaned our home, watered my plants, etc. They all pulled together for the good of the family and we returned to a spotless home.

What strikes me as lovely when I look back at these many trips is how the house still operates daily as if we were there. That's because we have a daily routine that rarely wavers. Our routine each morning comes before anything else including school. What I like about this is that the kids don't think twice about their daily work and they understand how it matters to how our days progress. When you begin the day behind in chores the whole day seems to be more stressful. The older ones have known this routine their whole lives, so to get up and get things done comes naturally to them. When we are gone, I believe this produces a security for the younger kids that things go on even when circumstances are a bit different. 

The older kids step into our roles with no problem at all. They do the shopping, chauffeuring, bed times, keep our rules intact. They get the house work organized, the many appointments handled, etc.  They put the younger kids first!  They fix balanced meals and provide fun treats. They make sure the many meds are taken and once our son Joe stayed up all night to observe, take stats and take care of one of the younger boys who has a rare metabolic disease and was having a metabolic crisis. He miraculously kept him out of the hospital!  It was amazing to experience this from across country where we were for surgery. He kept us up to date all night long on Frank's status. After this we knew we were doing okay.

It's funny that the same wonderful responsible, caring, even heroic kids that take care of everything when we're gone go right back to being kids when we return!  But it does give us a glimpse of how they will be out on their own when the rubber hits the road. It also shows us they are capable of caring for others first and themselves second. So important. 

I guess my point is....keep it up. Don't despair because they really do hear what we say over and over, as well as absorbing our actions. They internalize it whether they know it or not. When they have the chance to step up to the plate they'll use all those things you've taught them.  Have faith!

~Blessings~
      Lisa



   

Just Sit Down.....

Have you ever had one of those horrid Mom days where everything goes wrong? No matter how hard you try, the little ones are either screaming, crying, spilling, whining or following you around hanging on your leg?  How about bopping each other on the head? Or stealing a beloved toy from one of the little ones and hiding it?  Then there's the teaser who gets everyone going then laughs?  Yeah.....

It is beyond frustrating and can get you in a nasty mood quickly. I have found over the years that the only cure for one of those days is to give in and sit on the floor. Yup, just for a bit. Turn off the T.V., no electronics, just Mom on her rear end.

Really, plop yourself down and I promise everything gets calmer. The kids will bring you a book or a plastic tea party treat or a ball and will immediately calm themselves. They may even just sit down next to you and stare at you!

Sometimes they just need us right there.

Is this giving in? I don't think so. As Moms and particularly if you have a large family, we are always on the go. Yes, it's for them and about them but it isn't usually with them. We talk at the kids so much of the time. It's inevitable and doesn't make us bad Moms. Giving direction, instructions, etc. is a necessity to having an ordered life, but on a bad day it can get the kids all out of whack. Sometimes we just need to be with them at their level doing nothing.

I know you're probably thinking that's too simple, but it works and I always felt better too after sitting on the floor playing Lego's or tea party or reading 8 books!!  This isn't an everyday thing. It's for those days you are close to losing it, when all heck is breaking loose and you know you are reaching a breaking point.

Just STOP...then breathe. Then give in.

We homeschool. There have been days where I woke up and felt behind from 6 AM on. Those days always seemed to have one or more of the kids acting out too, so it would all escalate. I have called for a recess day many times and they turn out to be great days because we are all giving in and doing something different to change the mood. It was fun, unexpected and the kids loved it.

So on those days you're just DONE, have a seat on the floor. Give in. Wave the white flag. Even if you're exhausted and haven't gotten anything done on that To-Do List....give up and sit down.  The kids get creative, stop arguing and the mood lightens considerably. I guarantee the kids will be so much better and you will get those To-Do things done after your little pow-wow.

~Blessings~

 Lisa

A New Blog for Moms

Hey, I found a new blog that is just awesome. The first post I read was so similar to the way we think at our house that I was instantly interested. It's called Hands Free Mama and she expresses herself so well. Hop on over and check it out if you're still in Mommy boot camp !

http://www.handsfreemama.com/

~Blessings~
Lisa

Or Else.....

Do you think threatening a child to comply works?

I don't think so and it is destructive to you both.

If you are going to say," Blah, blah, blah, or else I'm going to....." You better mean it and instantly get up and do whatever your blah, blah, blah meant! Every time.

I have visited with many, many Moms over my 8 child career and they always want to know how to get children to behave.  My first answer is ALWAYS say what you mean and FOLLOW THROUGH.  That is much of the battle of well behaved kids. Consistency!

When you are consistent when they're 2 you will not have to be saying "or else" when they're 7. I promise.  I am not Super Mom and my children certainly have never been perfect but it has worked for me for 27 years with 8 buggers so I have time on my side!

I have watched countless times, a Mom sit and say to little Suzy-Q, "If you don't put that down I'm going to take it awaa-aaay (you know that sing-song oh-so-irritating way Moms give a warning). But rarely and I mean rarely will they actually get up from what they're doing to GO GET IT when Suzy-Q doesn't put it down.  It is a lot of effort to get up or walk over every time.

How about in the car, "If you guys don't stop I'm pulling over"......yeah...how many Moms do you know actually pull over and stop the car?  Not many.  It's these sorts of antics that train children to disobey or ignore you. They are not going to be compliant when they know nothing is going to happen except you saying it over and over. Big deal, say it over and over. They are experts at tuning you OUT. 

If you give some sort of order, command, lovely request, whatever you want to call it.....you'd better be prepared to get your rear off the couch and DO IT.  I'm telling you it's that simple. Irritating that you have to be a Jack-in-the-Box...yes, but simple.  You'll be shocked at how much better behaved your child is after trying it. If this is done consistently you will not have to do it later because when you say something or give an "or else" they KNOW you will do it.  Simple.

Doesn't it sound easy? Well it's not, because they only want to do naughty or unsafe things when you are writing your blog or having coffee with a friend or cooking dinner or for sure when you are on the phone!  You want to practice this new skill? Get on the phone. You know how that goes. No one cares what you're doing until you get on the phone. Even while on the phone, you must be willing to say ,"Excuse me for a second" to whoever is on the line while you handle the behaviour or you are training them to know it's a free for all when Mom's on the phone.

Simple, simple, simple.  But hard.

Moms often don't realize by their own behaviour they are training their children. If it's pointed out to them it's always a shock because normally their behaviour is a reaction not a thought-out way to handle their child's actions.  Think Moms. Do you want to be spoken to they way you speak when you need correcting?  If you are yelling, scolding, spanking because you're irritated that's not the right reason or time. By the time you are irritated the behaviour has been going on for a bit right??  It's because you've let it go and know you're ready to flip-out!

Handle it the first or second time and you won't blow a fuse ladies.

When a Mom remains in control she is much more efficient. The screaming, yelling finger pointing garbage just plain doesn't work. And if it does, it's only to shut you up.....how does that make you feel?

Follow through with instructions, commands, requests. Follow through EVERY TIME.  Your "or else's" better mean something so be careful what you say.

I promise 100% that this will help get better behaviour from your children. It just requires self discipline which is rough to come by as a Mommy of young children sometimes. Try. Try hard. It will make a difference.

~Blessings~

Lisa

The Dignity of a Child

Dignity, it belongs to everyone.  There are a 101 posts that are waiting to be written on this but one stands out for me this week.

The other night I was on the phone with a friend. He was sharing (in a friendly way) how when one of our children had not done exactly as they were told and inconvenienced another, had he been the parent, he would have jumped down their throat and gave them the "what-to".  He said he would have told them to get themselves out to that car and sit there.  Punishment.  Then, with anger, they would be made to see the error in their ways by letting them know how awful they acted. Humiliation.

That they may have deserved something of this sort didn't occur to me or my husband.  The perpetrator knew they were wrong because of how I made a phone call. The tone, the words carefully measured.  I told the friend I didn't need to yell, threaten or embarrass the child because their own guilt was obvious. That they didn't listen or pretended not to, that they ignored someone had taken the time to drive over and was waiting for them to take them home, that the time limit was grossly ignored.  These facts were well known by the person, why would Ed or I have to rub them in their face?  It serves no purpose but to drive them to anger and possibly words and thoughts that were not there to begin with.  It doesn't disciple, hence, discipline, so it has no place.

It won't happen again. They were apologetic. Discipline done.  Move on.

Now, are there events or behavior that are really disturbing or that the child is defiantly defending that may elicit a more, shall we say, serious talk? With anger and great disappointment apparent, I have been on the receiving end of and I have delivered such talks.  They work.  But it should not be the norm, it should be rare so it is effective.

Dignity is something God gives to every person and it is precious and should be guarded by parents I believe. When some one's dignity is preserved they want to do better. They want to serve.  I have seen it for 26 years of parenting so I know this is so.  To ignore the dignity of a child regardless of age is seriously wrong. To say what would never be said to a friend or neighbor's child...is this appropriate?  Think about it...really think about it.  Do you deserve to be spoken to in a lesser way by your husband than he speaks to his fellow workers simply because you are related?  Interesting questions.

How about the inevitable August exasperated outbursts of, "I can't WAIT until they go back to school!"  "Thank goodness summer is almost over so they will be gone all day!".  This is said in grocery store lines, at the park, on the phone with the children standing right there listening.

Comparative scenario:  How about the husband speaking to a co worker on the phone about his wife," I cannot WAIT until she's outta here to go see her sister" or "It will be awesome when my wife starts working nights again so I can have some peace when I get home". 

Really? Really?  Do we not know that kids hear the way Mothers talk about them and wonder how important they are?  I know if I heard the comparative husband scenario in my home I'd be a little worried about the relationship. 

How do we speak to our children? 

How do we treat them?  Like our friends' children?

Do they KNOW they are the most important thing to us?  

Do they know we would move heaven and earth to help them? 

Do they think we speak well of them to others?

Dignity and a Dr. Seuss saying.....     "A person's a person no matter how small"

~Blessings~
     Lisa

I think I have a chef...

My son Bobby is a blooming chef.  If I am in the kitchen he is in the kitchen.  I decided to write this momentous post because this is the kid who loves to stay home instead of going anywhere....ever.  He is just our homebody. These two unrelated facts will make sense later.

At our house Saturday morning is always pancake morning.  I make homemade pancakes on the griddle. Not the stuff out of the bag....the kids will not eat that stuff, I do not know why.  I have tried to trick them on multiple occasions but as soon as the first bite hits their mouth all eyes are on me. Sheesh.  So one Saturday morn Bobby comes and asks if he can help me !  I was thrilled. I let him measure out all the ingredients and stir. 

Week after week he'd ask to do one more thing until he now makes the pancakes as well as our home made waffles on Sunday!!  Then one evening as I was planning dinner he saunters in and asks if he can make our home made spaghetti sauce! Really?  You're an 11yr old boy !  Okie dokie...and he was awesome.  Now tacos are on his menu as well.

Letting the kids in the kitchen has always been a tradition in our family. My mom always let me try to cook and bake and so did my favorite friend Rita. She was my Mom's best friend from the country, and I was just a kid but she made me feel I was important and grown up. Both felt kids should learn to be in the kitchen regardless of the annoyance it might be, the mess that might be made or the sometimes sketchy results.  I am thankful for this, so it was natural for me to have my children follow the same tradition.

All of our children can cook.  It was just lovely and nice until it became needed.  With several pregnancies spent on bedrest (actually I called it couch jail) and then brain surgery and then another, these kids kept the house going for extended periods. And they did it well. Dad had to go to work and there were many children here that needed 3 meals a day.  My children were absolutely awesome and we made schedules of who was making what on what days.  They also did all the chores, laundry and helped with school work.  I soon learned that what was a nice tradition was a vital skill in a world that values other things.  This house went liked clockwork during more than one difficult time. 

Back to the chef.  This fine Saturday morning, the boy who never wants to go anywhere asks if WE are going grocery shopping today for Thanksgiving.   He was beaming and wanted to know exactly when we were going.  I just love it!!  I don't know why but it has made my day.  Normally he stays at the house when I go or I have to insist he go.  I'm not sure what has inspired this adventurous change.

I have to hurry and get my shower while Bob makes the pancake batter then we'll get breakfast going and off to the store....

~Blessings~
Lisa

On being a Mom

   What happens if we view being a Mommy as a privilege and not a grind?  What if we begin to see the daily maintenance work we do (that perpetually gets UN-done) is not meaningless but in the end really does matter?

   I am at a different place in my Mommy life now. With our youngest two turning 12 soon, it is still sometimes strange to me to not be totally exhausted at the end of every day and covered in either playdough remnants or the last meal I fixed or spilled milk.  As much work as those days were, they are so precious to me. Because I tried my best (and many days failed) to make each day important. Because I tried like a crazy woman not to lose my temper or use my words in a hurtful way, I look back on those days with gentle pride at a huge effort fairly well done.  

   At the time they were all young, I remember thinking I wanted to be able to look back and be proud not regretful of my vocation.  I was blessed with several older women who shared how important the days with all the children young and at home were. I tried to keep their words in front of me even on the days nothing went right. One gal in particular who had successfully raised a family of 9, once told me how damaging it is to yell at children. She said when I was angry my voice should get more and more quiet and they would listen. Do you know that works???  

    We had 8 children in 14 years and lost 8 to miscarriage.  I am so proud of the size of our brood! I know some will gag when they read that but it was our goal. It was a need, a want, a sacrifice, a vocation from God that we have a large family and I was always continually thankful because I am an only child !!  Yes, an only child.  When the kids were little I recall sort of looking into my life from the outside thinking how cool it was, this big, huge, loud family!  It was so foreign to my upbringing. How did I even know what I was doing?  Don't have a clue.  God knew. God blessed us with this huge family and we have a lovely, loud, boy heavy gang.  Our poor girls have lived with 7 males for a long time.  No man bashing here but that is quite a feat you know.

   We have had so many forts built, trees climbed, bones broken, Legos scattered, toilets clogged, and everything else that you might imagine in a large family....but it has been cool!!  I had no brothers. Watching my boys build blanket forts, make creative costumes, use anything and everything for a sword, amazed me. It was just cool!  The girls are both girly girls and always had home made dresses and cute hair with bows and ribbons.  No wonder I was a picture taking fool...still am.

    I want the world to start recognizing how incredibly important stay at home Moms are.  How did that change in such a short time?  How did such a high calling fall to the ground with a thud in the eyes of the world?  Maybe that's the issue....the eyes of the world.  How's it going out there?  Not so hot.  It will only change from within the family. By warm, loving, disciplined, sacrificial families who know God is in charge. 

   All you Mommas out there who work your tails off every day and night are awesome. You are the future because what you teach your kids, how you model goodness and yes holiness, is how the craziness is going to get better.  You have to persevere when you feel your education is being "wasted", when others think what you do isn't valuable because there isn't a paycheck, when you can't dress in the latest fashions because you are just happy to have gotten your underwear on straight!  You are one of the two most important people in your children's lives. You are the hero, the safety net, the party coordinator, the driver, the nurse, the chef, the story reader and the pillow for a sleeping child. You are everything to your children, you are important. 

   Try and sit back every once in a while and just watch them. Watch them be kids. Take a million and one pictures. Create a journal if your kids are older. Do what you have to, to create and keep memories of this wonderfully hard time :)

It's priceless.

Love ya Mommas~

Lisa

Babies

   

    Lately I have been unusually mindful of all the babies I see everywhere. Mary and I were at Children's yesterday in Hem/Onc and there was the most precious Indian baby with a beautiful tiny face and BIG lungs !  The head nurse came and asked if we wanted to be moved because of her ongoing crying and I told her I had 8 babies....what crying?  She cracked up.  I made sure I went over to the pod where the little gal was with her parents, being accessed for IV drugs, and told them to please not stress because she didn't bother us at all. They visibly relaxed.

    I remember acutely feeling people's stares when my babies were crying for whatever reason. My stress at those times did not come from an irritation with my baby, but from my perceived inconveniencing of others. Isn't that how we as Mothers feel so often? That we are bothering others.  This leads me to recall a most beloved priest from Poland who was at our parish.  He got up one Sunday and said," All you parents who are trying to keep your children well behaved, or who take them out constantly or even leave early are the ones who should be up front here in the first pews near me. Those children need to see what's going on and they will behave because they can see. If they are out of hand it is appropriate for you to take them out and discipline or speak to them but please bring them right back in and come up front to the first few pews because you are not bothering me at all. I want you here."  He told those who got irritated, that Sunday Mass was a family affair and if they were looking for silence they should go to Adoration. Children were to be welcomed as far as he was concerned. It was awesome!  It was wonderful. I felt I had a right to be there with our big brood.

   Isn't this picture peaceful? Our son Joe took this. Peaceful...... Good Gracious, NO. I was forever trying to keep kids quiet, amused, off the floor, turned around properly instead of staring at some poor soul behind us ! With Mary, as a toddler she had this shoe love and would take off under the pews and get away. We'd have to go get her from some unsuspecting lady with great shoes!!  It was work let me tell you.  I tell newer Moms all the time that I didn't hear a homily for 20 years. I have walked 6 million miles across the back of churches with babies and at the end with twins !!!  I have to admit it's pretty nice to now get to sit for all of Mass and not be hopping up and down doing Mommy calisthenics !  I always want to go tell the younger Mom's that they are doing an awesome job. That getting there is a miracle in itself and that it is awesome they care enough to wear themselves out just so the family attends Mass.

   So what is this almost 50 years old and seeing babies everywhere thing??  Is it the pre-Grandma business going on?  I don't even have any kids married yet so I have a long wait. Pout face. My husband is a baby guy. He is a toddler guy. He is a kid guy.  It's one of the most attractive things about him. This must be why we have 8 kids. Duh.  We both make the stupidest faces at babies in the store or at Children's Hospital. The parents probably worry about us.  I usually blurt out we have 8 children then they just think we're nuts instead of dangerous.

   I miss babies. I miss Pooh Bear. I miss how they smell when they're born...there is nothing on earth like it...nothing.  I miss snuggling in bed with them. I miss being up super early in the morning having quiet time before everyone else was up.  I miss high chairs and little spoons. I miss sippy cups, binkies and the way a baby beams when you walk in the door.  I miss bath time and how wonderful a newly washed toddler smells. I miss doing those wooden puzzles with them, counting on fingers and toes and singing Little Ducky Duddle.  I miss how my now 22 year old son would crawl into bed with us every morning at 4 AM and get cozy. 

I miss babies...sniff, sniff. 

Can anyone lend me one for awhile please?

HELP!!

~Blessings~

Lisa