Re-Post ~ Just SAY It.....Or Not?

I have been blessed by an introverted husband and 6 introverted children out of our 8. However, this presents a challenge for a gabby girl like myself.  It literally took me years to recognize that being happy was not, as I perceived, about talking and laughing all the time.

I had a very special friend, Mary, who was herself quite introverted. She taught me well, that allowing shy children to hang onto my leg while we went to visit would ensure that they let go much sooner than if I was incessantly telling them to go play with the other children, pushing them away from me.  She was always so good at giving advice without me realizing I was being instructed.  Well, her advice worked and I learned that to let them be themselves, as different from me as that was, made them more secure, more confident and led to more good times for them.

This lesson carried over to my husband.  I learned that the very situations that exhilarated me, caused him to be acutely stressed.  People are just too fun to me. All kinds of people from all kinds of places talking about all kinds of things......yippeee.  For him that meant too much noise, too many people at one time, too much effort at trying to talk to people he didn't even know. Stress. We came to a middle ground early in our marriage with things like big events. I would go by myself or with friends since it really was just torture for him and I would spend my time worried about him or stressed that he wasn't having a good time. When we each finally accepted who we were, doing our own thing was FINE. Accepting our opposite personalities was key to being happy.

I recently read an excellent book that I recommend highly to anyone who loves an introvert. And, by the way, the word "introvert" is not necessarily the same as "shy" according to the author. The book is called Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.  It's by Susan Cain and is meticulously researched.  I learned so much about my children, my husband and all people who are not extroverts and those who are in- betweens.  It explains the strengths of introverts in a world that overly values extroverts or extrovert impostors.  Excellent read.

Here is a wonderful Ted Talk by the author regarding her book. It's wonderful.....
Susan Cain TED Talk

As to the title of this post....Just SAY It.  This is what I consistently wanted to say to the introverts in my life. However, it isn't that easy. My extroverted kids and I tend to say too much. The results many times requires an apology.  The fact that the introverts in our family cannot just spit out what they want to say when they want to say it is foreign to me. I, of course, cannot even fathom this as I am a big mouth and love to talk to anyone. However, I also find myself having to apologize not infrequently (although it's less and less as I age). Sometimes my words come out so fast they bypass my intellect completely. It's lame and I hate it. Sigh......   This is not a problem for most of my family. How nice for them.

The opposite is true in our family of introverts they all tell me; at times they have much to say but do not or cannot say it. This causes problems as you might imagine. Feeling they are not heard, that their opinion is not respected, even anger as they push down what apparently needs to come out.  It takes time for them to form their thoughts and words. BUT when they do....they are almost always eloquent, thoughtful and meaningful.

However, feeling unable to say what one wants to say is frustrating.  We cope with this on a daily basis here and I try and teach my children that it is only in communication that they might hope to get what they need or want. Also to be able to convey something meaningful.  Not an easy job folks.  It's like them asking me to be totally quiet for a week...won't happen for me.

One of the most amazing things that happens every time we have a houseful of people is after everyone leaves, our introverts who appear to have not had a very good time AT ALL, will be able to tell you about all the conversations that were going on between everyone for the whole darn day!!  They can give you the run down on everyone, their emotional state, their ups, downs, etc.  It is seriously amazing! They ALL have this ability. They have radar. They really are people people just not directly.  Very interesting.

  

Another difference in the two can be seen in decision making actions that are carried out. (I hate to generalize because there are certainly those who have mixed personalities and of course better or worse work practices.)  Many extroverts can be quite impulsive, quick, prideful. Decisions come fast and are made without forethought or consultation with others. On the other hand an introvert will ponder, think over all sides, ask other's opinions and wait until the decision has been weighed carefully before handing over an answer.  You can easily see in this situation the value of an introvert in the work setting.

There is a large percentage of Fortune 500 companies run by introverts because of their ability to delegate. They are able to be calm, quiet and watchful and see who can handle what in which situation and this is key in a successful company. That whole charismatic, big smile, big personality CEO thing is not necessary to run a successful corporation, store, family, or anything else. This is a societal lie. It is perpetuated in pre-schools, schools, camps, universities.  It is forming the self esteem of children and it isn't good.

 If a child wants to sit in a corner with a good book, this is just as valuable as the child who wants to hit a baseball out in the ballfield with the loud screaming kids. BOTH are okay.

Introverts have many qualities that were highly valued in the 19th century. This book tells the unfortunate story of how 20th century society made introversion a pathology. It is terrible really. But, the book also gives great hope and understanding regarding this personality type and it is well worth the time to read it. If you love someone who is an introvert it will give you GREAT insight into how they think, what gives them energy, pleasure, stress and the riches inside those quiet exteriors.

~Blessings~

Lisa

An article by Susan Cain the Author of the book mentioned above.

Why Our Kids Get 3 Gifts for Christmas...

This post has roamed around my head awhile because I don't want to use a million words and I have told this story a million times when asked why our children "only" get 3 gifts from Ed and I. I just have so much to say about it like I do everything...sorry folks I'm a wordy girl. I'll try hard to keep it as short as I can. There are many details that will get left out but here goes.

 It begins with both of us being raised in divorced families where our Moms made our Christmases wonderful, never lacking anything.  In my house this meant easily 10-15 presents to open on Christmas just from my Mom. It was lovely as a child but my Mother certainly did not make a lot of money and I still have to ask her how she did it. She worked very long hours and we for some years when I was small, were quite poor. I'm sure she went without. Thankfully things got much better for us as the years went by!

You know I am not sure where to even start. I am a frugal shopper so even way back when, when I only had a few children I started early. When I saw this or that on sale I would put it away for Christmas. It might be as little as a 2 or 3 dollar item I found on clearance so there was not a great deal of money spent at all. There were items that were bigger that the children wanted but nothing extravagant. I would be done with shopping and wrapped by Nov. 1 usually so Advent could be enjoyed without the stresses of shopping and wrapping. (Sort of silly after you read this whole thing). When we put the tree up, as was the case at my house as a child, there were around 15-ish gifts under the tree for each child and with a big family this was no small scene! Please remember some things were small and very inexpensive, still, it looked like a Norman Rockwell postcard except that Norman Rockwell painted during some very rough financial times in our history but it was quite beautiful! Because I was an only child of a Mom who worked very long hours, these scenes were so very, very important to me. All the Traditions of Christmas were/are.

By the time of the "revelation" we had 5 children and we had a lovely neighbor, Vinay, who was Hindu. She and her family had never experienced Christmas and she asked if she could help me and was all excited to help me "do" Christmas on Christmas Eve.  I absolutely loved her and we were like little kids waiting for that evening to do this together.

Christmas Eve was always spent with the Grandparents on both sides giving and receiving gifts.....lots of gifts. Again, this was just how things were done and we didn't think about it. When the wonderful night with family, eating, visiting and gift-giving was over, we literally put 2 huge bags (you know those black lawn and garbage bags) filled with gifts into the trunk of the car and headed home.

After we got some very excited kids into bed I headed over to get Vinay and put Midnight Mass on T.V. She was absolutely enthralled by the Pope and all that was going on with that. She was like a child, always excited about everything new since her family was not from the U.S. Her family was Hindu so I explained our Catholic/Christian customs and WHO this Baby was and why He came. She was genuinely so interested in everything. 

Then she was anxious to begin the more secular traditions of Christmas Eve.

Then the...revelations......began.

I took her upstairs to where the gifts were hidden and we started to take them down to the tree. We made trip after trip...after trip......after trip..........after trip. It was fun at first, then she seemed confused, then she was in shock that ALL OF THIS WAS JUST FOR OUR CHILDREN. 

I was seeing all of this through the eyes of someone who had never experienced Christmas. At all. Ever. Remember..... I had just explained what it all meant in the Christian Tradition.......Ugh.

 I was disgusted, I was sad, my eyes were wide open. And when she left I cried. How had I missed this?  How had I fallen into this trap when my faith meant so much to me, to us as a family? 

I am truly not saying anyone who buys for their children is wrong or in a trap. This is about our family and that we were doing this in excess...truly. It was ridiculous. We had pledged to live a simple life when we got married. When I saw this through someone's eyes who I had just explained my faith to, who had NO IDEA about Christmas and the Christian practice of it....it was so....well....distasteful...is all I can say. No Black Friday Sale, no buying 6 months ahead of time, no excuse mattered that night through her eyes.....it was stuff and the night was about our Baby King.

 Ed and I talked about it and decided we would talk to the children and kindly, explain it to them. They played with Vinay's daughter daily and knew their family well. We wanted to know what they thought about this. Our faith was a lived, daily thing and these kids knew it. We wanted their opinion.

Anyway, the next morning, I had to pretend to have fun and I did well even as deflated as I felt. When it was all done and paper was everywhere and they were calmer we told them what happened. No guilt on them, no, none of that. Their eyes though were wide open too, like mine were the night before. I don't even know now who's idea it was but the whole family came up with the idea that Baby Jesus got three gifts on His first Christmas, gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Why should they get more than He?

That's how we came to the Tradition in our home and it has stuck ever since. They get gifts from grandparents, friends, etc. They do not need more than 3 from us. We love our tradition and it has so much meaning because of Christ and His revelation to us even if the origin looked and was so terribly selfish. It was a very good lesson learned and it will be passed down for generations I hope. I hope it is also passed down that we were not spoiling our children those years ago, but that we just let it get out of control because we loved them and that's just what was done at the time where we lived and the families we lived in. We weren't paying attention. The lesson learned though is more valuable than anything we could ever purchase and the fun is that 

the story is told over and over and that is a Tradition in itself. 

~Blessings~

Lisa

Unconditional Attention

"I sent her a note thanking her for being so ‘there’ during our lunch. I didn’t know how else to express my joy. She wrote back, ‘I was there, fully there, because I wanted to be.’ It was wonderful. And maybe it was a silly thing to thank someone for, but to me, today, anyone’s time and attention feels like such a huge gift."

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes.”

These are two short excerpts from a favorite blog of mine,  Hands Free Mama.

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes."...... and maybe the same thing. I run into conditional attention often....so often. I see it in public, I experience it with my adult children, my husband and I can get my feelings hurt by friends who divide their attention when with me. I only give a certain percentage of my attention depending on what I may be doing.This is a new cultural phenomenon. It is not a good one.

Being a Mom of a large family and especially one that homeschools, time with unconditional attention is precious. Time connecting with my children is what my life is about. Especially now.

In the days before I had multiple brain surgeries and went from a 100mph speedway gal to a school zone gal of a whopping 25 mph, I never stopped in the day except for my 10 minute power naps. I lived on a schedule, had goals and had more than enough to do each day for my children and husband. My life revolved around them and each day I served them with all of my heart and soul. This is what I had always wanted, then was blessed to be able to do. I tried my hardest (and sometimes failed) to stop and pay attention anytime any of them needed to show me something wonderful or tell me something important.  But I was always needing to get to the next thing so they did not get unconditional attention.

After my first surgery I spent a long time living in constant guilt and sadness that I was not the mom to my younger 3 that I had been to the first 5. This was something I had always sworn would not happen...that I would not poop out in the homestretch.  Now I was not able to do field trips or hikes or, for awhile, even go outside. In the wheelchair was how they saw me, not the always-walking-fast me from before. I couldn't just throw them in the van and go to the zoo for the day or spend time at friends' house on the spur of the moment like we used to.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

One day as I lay reading to them I realized with a bang that I WAS LAYING THERE READING TO THEM!  Big DUH.  I was thrilled. I was happy. I was shocked. It was okay that I was not doing things for them. I was with them....unconditionally.

How can a relatively smart Mom be so darn dumb? The forest was before me and I had been lamenting having no trees.These little boys had so much more of me than my older children. There definitely were things they were not getting to do, places they didn't get to go but they had my undivided, unconditional attention because I couldn't DO anything else!

Now that I can do a bit more, I choose not to DO too much, GO so much, get so much DONE. I see that efficiency may not be such a great thing all the time. Sitting, talking, laughing, listening, sharing is what I have to offer now. It's different but it's awesome. I still at times, long for the days running around being efficient, but I now do not have to regret not spending quantity or quality time not only with my youngest 3 sons but with the older kids as well. I have time to listen to their very important adult problems, struggles, achievements and bad jokes. I concentrate and stop everything to give these older guys unconditional attention. It can be exhausting but is ALWAYS worth it.

This revelation has also taught me that unconditional attention is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Whether it's my children or my husband , a friend or even the checker at the grocery store. Giving unconditional attention to anyone matters and boy do people notice. Our society is so stinkin' fast paced now, that giving a bit of decent attention is a real...well...attention getter!  I can see someone's demeanor change when I just take the time to really listen or ask a question..... stop and pay attention.

We can all feel when we do not have someone's attention...right?  Let's make it unconditional and we all benefit.

This goes for my relationship with God too. 
It is a struggle to give Him unconditional attention. 
Unconditional.
Rough word. 
Just being with God. 
No "conditions". 

I have fallen in love with this wonderful phrase. I have always tried to pay attention to people but the additional word, unconditional, is just something special.

Thank you Hands Free Mama

~Blessings~
Lisa

Act As If

Are you negative? Impatient?  Wouldn't it be lovely to adopt someone's positive attitude toward life or perhaps patience?  How about thoughtfulness, kindness, being a good listener? 

There is a way to adopt these traits without becoming discouraged.

Act as if.

Being a Catholic, I like to refer to the Saints because they have been-there-done-that.  They are not perfect folks, just ones who persevered in good with "heroic virtue".  Many of them give instructions on how to do just what I am writing about, change some quality we don't like about ourselves or adopt one we'd like to have. They say to "Act as if".

Are you moody? A brooder? Act as if you are in a good mood, even when you are not. What does that look like to you? How do people who are naturally cheerful look? Behave? It's a proven fact that if you smile, even a fake one, it will lighten your mood.

Are you grumpy and impatient? Act as if you are happy-go-lucky.... Say "Hello" to a passing stranger. Say "Thank You" and "Have a nice day" with a big smile.....or a little smile.  Smile and wave someone through a stop sign instead of yelling.  Look for ways to do good, step outside your comfort zone. Fake it until it is natural.

Let's take positivity (insert the characteristic you want). Yes, you act as if you are someone positive even if it doesn't quite feel right. Try it on strangers before trying it on folks who know you (obviously they'll fall over since they know you too well!). Only you know it isn't your natural state so strangers work better at first. You don't have to do it all the time, just keep trying when it comes to mind. Perhaps a little at a time.

Try it on.
Wear it awhile.

Do it more and more and you will become positive. I know this because I did it years ago. People comment to me all the time how positive I am ......little do they know I was Negative Nellie for my first 25 years. It was a trait my Mom gently tried to train out of me my whole childhood, but it took me seeing how unattractive it was in me to work on it myself.  It really didn't take long at all. I was surprised that after "faking" it for awhile I began to THINK like a positive person....it was awesome!!  Then I tried it on some other virtues I wanted to acquire and gosh darn....if it didn't work again!

It's so simple it seems ridiculous, but it works. Try it!

~Blessings~
Lisa

Perfection and the Quilts

I was born a perfectionist and it has plagued me all my life. But recently I was shown that maybe, kinda, sorta, I have come a long way out of perfection into reality. Something in life has come full circle.

When I was in 8th grade I wanted to make a quilt for my Mom. At that time in the 70's rust and navy blue were popular colors so off to the fabric store, Beverly Fabrics,  I went. I remember pouring over a million fabrics to get just the right ones my mother would love and that would compliment each other.

I spent a lot of time with a paper grid arranging and rearranging the pattern.  I spent a lot of time measuring, cutting and piecing her quilt together. When it was done it had hundreds of pieces; squares and even some triangles (not the way to start a first quilt!).

This quilt was sewn by hand....all of it. I was 13 years old.

When I finished it and then put it together my Mom loved it. I did not. She showed it to anyone who walked in the door. I pointed out all the mistakes. They were all I saw when I looked at it. No matter how lovely anyone thought it was, I made sure they knew it was not good enough.

Not good enough. The scourge of perfectionist.

One day when I had pointed out the imperfect parts of her quilt, My Mom took me aside and was angry. Well, as angry as she ever got which wasn't much. She told me it was wrong to point out all the imperfections of her quilt. She said it was beautiful and specially made for her and that there were no perfect quilts. I never pointed out those imperfections again to anyone but I thought it every time she brought it out.

Recently my son's girlfriend Lilly made an amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, king size quilt for my son Joe for his birthday. It truly is beautiful and her first attempt!!  It had to have taken so much thought and time and love. 

When he opened it we were all oohing and aahing and she began to point out where all the imperfections were!!!  Okay God....I finally get it.....35 years later!  I get it. That quilt I made for my Mother and Lilly made for Joe is nothing but love. Love for a person and work for that person and thought about that person and perhaps prayer for that person. No imperfection can change that.  None. Ever.

What is with this perfection thing? It's horrible. My best friend is a serial perfectionist too so we have tried hard to encourage each other OUT of perfection. Because we are in our 40's we can laugh now at how ridiculous it is to be a perfectionist because of course you cannot attain the unattainable. We commiserate about all the times we were like hamsters on a wheel trying to attain perfection in every part of our lives. It's a drive, a compulsion, an inborn trait. It stinks. We've spent hours talking and laughing and shaking our heads at ourselves then sharing how far we've come.

There is also a positive side to this. Being a perfectionist also drives a person to want the best for others and to do the best for them. I have been afflicted my whole life but I have never demanded perfection from others....Thank You God...really. That would be a nightmare for my family.  What's really funny is I am uber understanding of the imperfections in my children. It's always been important to me to make sure they felt loved just as they are. That their imperfections are marks of a human, a lovely unique human. Why I cannot apply that to myself is beyond me.

 I can tolerate imperfections much better now. I can make a quilt, a dress, some curtains and although things are pretty regulated as far as measurements etc. I am much more relaxed.  Yay me!!  When things are stressful however, I can revert back to being a crazy person but I try really hard to control it.

I have several children who are perfectionists. I now know it's not my fault because these children were born that way and so was I. No matter what I say or how much I compliment them they have a standard to which they cannot measure. All I can do is share my own struggles and how much nicer it is to accept things that are not just so. 

I can even rejoice in the imperfect now. It has character, uniqueness, it's special. Perfect is not special.

~Blessings~
      Lisa

1,2,3,4,5..... Yes, They're ALL Ours.

I could write a book on what I have learned having 8 children. I decided it's confession time and I want to tell you about a time of bad manners, judgment and an apology.......

When Ed and I were expecting our twins, numbers 7 & 8, we were out shopping with all the kids (I had been on months of bed rest so was illegally up). A young couple was staring at us and with fingers bobbing up and down and silently mouthing/counting how many children we had.  This was not uncommon anywhere we went even though the kids were well behaved. It was simply the number that attracted attention.

I was having a hormonal, over protective , grumpy day and I said very loudly," SIX there are SIX, and more on the way!" I huffed off, shaking my head, feeling very angry at having to defend a family no one except my husband and God had to provide for. 

Not a pretty moment.

Now, this is definitely not my normal reaction to even the rudest people. It is quite the opposite, very unusual. Even my poor husband was shocked and said nothing as I walked away.  I am normally Little Miss Manners, attempting to show how wonderful a large family is. Occasionally, when I receive a rude comment, I give some sly, sweet, tongue in cheek answer that may slap someone in the face, but they wouldn't know it until 5 minutes later with a puzzled look on their face. But still, delivered with honey!

Only minutes after my rude outburst I walked quickly (well as quickly as a mother pregnant with twins can walk!) to find them. I apologized profusely and they broke into huge smiles, telling me they were newlyweds and were both from large families and couldn't wait to have as many as we had.

Mea Culpa.  Big Time.

Bad person alert.

Jerk of the year.

Crazy pregnant woman. 

Ill mannered, ill tempered wench. 

You name it, I felt it.

This encounter shows-to-go-ya we do not know what folks are thinking when we are noticed out in public (which is constant). The reactions have been super varied over the years and they are quite different in different regions of the country. In a nutshell (with exceptions), on the west coast, children are a liability to the green attitude. You know, making our carbon footprint waaaaaay too deep.  Whatever. We use and reuse things far more than most folks.

On the east coast, in particular New York City, big families are far more appreciated.  We have never had a negative comment in NYC, on the contrary almost everyone says, "Well, God bless you!! Big families are a blessing!". That still surprises me because I always thought New Yorkers were more material oriented. Nope. They are family folks big time. Much better reactions out of New Yorkers than anywhere we've ever been. No wonder we love New York!

So, I was a judgmental jerk and it taught me a valuable lesson. Thankfully that couple was so kind and warm hearted!

Okay, that is my 1,2,3,4....now there are EIGHT confession.

~Blessings~

 Lisa

Are They Asking?

Well intentioned advice (or maybe not so well intentioned). We've all received it. We've been helped or maybe even been offended by it. There is a serious over abundance of those who know everything and are willing to share with us....whether we want to hear it or not.

 I have run into this in so many ways from breastfeeding to birth control to schooling to medical issues to nutrition to spiritual matters and everything in between...and before ....and after.

I was recently having a conversation with one of my children about their concern for a friend heading in the wrong direction. She was concerned and afraid for her friend. She wanted kindly to set her straight. Noble. Kind. Lovely. Probably unwanted....

Young adulthood is a noble time for most young folks. It is a time for high ideals, righteous behavior, critical thinking, and all the things that come with youth.......but not a lot of life experience.

I, too, wanted to save the world. I wanted to convert the world for Christ. I wanted to convert the world back to the value of family and children. I cared, still do. I gave my oh-so-lofty opinions freely. Therein lies a problem. I was also at times perceived as judgmental and although that was not my intent, if the person was not asking my opinion or for my infinite (insert sarcasm here) wisdom it was judgmental because I was not walking in their shoes. By giving my opinion it conveyed what they were doing was not correct.

Not nice.

www.thiswebguy.com

Because I have been on the receiving end of someone's unsolicited advice many, many times, I learned how painful it can be.  To be judged by someone who sees only moments of my life is a deep jab. I would ultimately end up avoiding them. I learned from my Mom who is the most non-judgmental person I know, to refrain from giving an unsolicited opinion or advice. She has always held her tongue unless asked and practices that skill to this day with me and she is one of the first people I will go to for advice because of it!

 After many years and some not so pretty consequences I have learned to shut up in the advice giving business unless asked. And believe it or not I am asked frequently for an opinion because I don't give it freely.  I look back and feel bad at all the times I thought I could "fix" someone or their problems. I should have carried a sign reading: Humility Needed.

I like being 48. I would not go backward in time for anything. I love that I am finally getting it  (in some areas anyway). I am not so in love with the physical aspects however, but that's another post!  As my Dad says, "Every year I get shorter and fatter. Pretty soon I'll be 3 inches high and a mile around...like a puddle!!"  He's too funny. He also says he is chronologically challenged....me too.  But in that challenge is a bit more wisdom and verbal self restraint to keep my opinions to myself.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Expectations

   As I grew into a teen who knew everything, I recognized I had expectations of my Mom. As similar as we are/were in personality and temperament, we were also completely opposite in other ways.

    Mom was a beautiful, thin, fashionable, gracious, intelligent, hardworking, popular, modern woman.  I wanted a stay-at-home Mom who sewed my clothes, came to every school activity with cupcakes, gave me brothers and sisters, would buy me a dog and drive a station wagon.  You know, the caricature of an American Mom of the 1950’s.  I think I watched too much Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best and Bewitched.  I created a picture that I thought was perfect and as I grew, I resented more and more I did not have this.  Because I was raised properly, this rightfully created tremendous guilt.

     A little background…..Mom had married someone who represented himself as a person he was not. Things went downhill quickly and for our safety she divorced him when I was 5.  She was left with tremendous debt he had mounted up in the small businesses in our town.  Although they told her to forget the debt because they knew and trusted her, she paid each of these businesses as little as $2.50 per paycheck to repay them because it was the right thing to do.   Never, ever, even once did she say an ugly thing about my Dad.  She did not place upon me her pain, disappointment and even fear that was part of her life during that time.

    Mom always provided everything I needed, miraculously on a single parent’s salary.  Christmases and birthdays were never sparse but abundant, she was home every night, our home was beautiful and spotless and I’m sure she went without to provide this for me.
   
    Although Mom and I always got along, as I got older and got married I continued to secretly resent what I believed I had missed and deserved; the perfect American Family dream.  Even as a child I knew she did not plan how things had happened with my Dad, I knew she was a decent, honest, hardworking person, that would have liked things to be different but I grieved over the perfect childhood. 

    It didn’t take long after becoming a Mother that my heart finally softened because I saw that the life I chose to lead as the stay-at-home Mom, sewing my and my children’s clothes, crafting, etc. would not have made my Mother happy.  It wasn’t who she was.   I began instead, to appreciate in a new adult way the many wonderful qualities she possessed. 

   I have an unproven theory that every other generation is similar to one another. It’s almost as if each decides they will be different than the previous.  My Grandmother was like me, my Mom totally opposite of her Mom.  As I pondered this as a young adult I saw that I could be the old fashioned kind of Mom I wanted to be, yet could integrate all the wonderful, modern, intelligent, deeply held convictions of the modern city girl my Mom had become after growing up and leaving her lovely Midwestern home.  I began to see God had a plan that I could never have thought of myself; that He was in control and that I was blessed to have the best of both worlds. 

                                                            
                                                        Me in my delusional mind !

                                                               Mom

   I consider myself an old fashioned Mom yet I practice a type of mothering that has all the benefits of modern thinking and respect for the personhood of a child.  I don’t mean to say we have children who are equal to us because we certainly do have a hierarchy here, but to say that they deserve respect as persons, as children of God and they are not our possessions but are on loan to us.  This is how I was raised. I am deeply thankful, deeply sorry, deeply appreciative now.  I see well that the “high road” that she so often spoke of need not belong to a certain type of person, a certain type of Mom or political party, or race, or religion.  She always took the high road and taught me the same. The qualities she imparted went beyond my unfair expectations of her.

   Now when I go home to visit, I step into her world and we shop and talk about fashion.  We ride in her fancy vehicle, have our nails done and eat out; everything so different than my world, but I now LOVE doing this with her. I love the person she is because she molded me into who I am and I rather like myself.  She is responsible for the way we parent and I am beyond grateful for this.

   This realization has made it clear to me that I must see all things in life whether I perceive them positive or negative as God setting me up. Setting me up for a revelation that no, I do not know everything, that what appears hard may be a great blessing in the future; that what is difficult is character building, that what seems unfair is, in time, a gift.

~Blessings~

           Lisa

Thanksgiving ~ Do What You Can Do

 Happy Thanksgiving from our house to yours.  It is such a lovely holiday, so full of good things.

I wanted to write and make a confession....I make fake Thanksgiving dinner.  Yup...fake.  I am a perfectionist by birth and it is something I fight all the time.  God decided to try His very best to cure me of this terrible scourge with a few brain surgeries, a couple incurable diseases, a bunch of hardware and devices in this old body and the loss of much of my intelligence. 

After all that you'd think I would be nice and humble huh? Ummmm nope.  I try but it's sort of like pedaling a stationary bike I'm afraid!  What I did learn were limits. Limits on everything.  I learned that doing something is better than doing nothing even if it isn't perfect.  Hence the fake Thanksgiving dinner that I am finally comfortable with and proud of.

I  have always attempted the Hallmark commercial holidays with all the trimmings, but my physical health won't allow some of it anymore.  I am fortunate that I have a house full of males and they really don't even see the details which we gals work so hard at getting....perfect.  This is truly a blessing though because they are happy with anything I create for the holidays as long as there are few vegetables involved.   The family just likes to be together, play games, laugh, give one another a hard time, throw the football and watch "It's A Wonderful Life"while eating pie.

So why write about this?  Because I have joined those out there who are just getting by and want it all to be lovely anyway. 

I Cheat.....
I cook a very large turkey because we have a very large family. I use those turkey bags because my mom used those turkey bags and the bird comes out moist every time.  I do very little to the turkey except rub his outsides with butter which is what my mother in law has always done.  Can you tell I value tradition?  I never put the stuffing in the turkey because my mom has made me a little paranoid about making folks sick if it wasn't cooked properly.....besides I cheat with the stuffing.

My stuffing is good ol' Stove Top Turkey Stuffing because it literally takes maybe 5 minutes to prepare.  It does take a bit longer on Thanksgiving though because I first fry up mild Italian sausage, then add the water, butter and breading mix.  Even with that addition it's still only about 10 minutes.  I then put a couple cans of corn into a sauce pan and heat. Maybe 5 minutes??  The mashed potatoes are Hungry Jack Instant Potatoes....yup...instant potatoes.  It gets even worse....canned gravy.  Then I slide the cranberry sauce out of the can, heat the ready made rolls in the oven and we're good to go!  I do use my best linens, goblets, silver and lovely serving pieces.  We always have candles on the table and music in the background.

I'd say excluding the turkey time, it takes 20-30 minutes to make Thanksgiving dinner here. I should/did feel bad that I don't make everything from scratch but compared to a few years ago when I couldn't even do the cheater dinner, I am a 4 star chef !!

We also make cheater pies. Frozen or ready made crusts, canned pie filling, blah, blah, blah.  I add my own little things to them to make them a bit more home made, but again, the family doesn't seem to notice. Thank You God.

 I have finally learned to be thankful for the ability to make things the easy way, the cheater way, any way at all. I have a friend who has her own take on an old cliche, "If a job is worth doing it's worth doing half way".  That is SO hard for a perfectionist.  But it's ultimately healthy when you have any sort of disability or have had a baby, surgery, a crisis, etc. 

So if you did not make your stuffing from scratch or your pies from scratch or your potatoes from scratch....maybe you used the time to play board games with the kids or sat and listened to an elderly relative. There are precious things out there waiting for our time and traditional or not, my cheater Thanksgiving makes those things possible for me.

~Grateful on Thanksgiving~
Lisa

Just SAY It....

I have been blessed by an introverted husband and 6 introverted children out of our 8. However, this presents a challenge for a gabby girl like myself.  It literally took me years to recognize that being happy was not, as I perceived, about talking and laughing all the time.

I had a very special friend, Mary, who was herself quite introverted. She taught me well, that allowing shy children to hang onto my leg while we went to visit would ensure that they let go much sooner than if I was incessantly telling them to go play with the other children, pushing them away from me.  She was always so good at giving advice without me realizing I was being instructed.  Well, her advice worked and I learned that to let them be themselves, as different from me as that was, made them more secure, more confident and led to more good times for them.

This lesson carried over to my husband.  I learned that the very situations that exhilarated me, caused him to be acutely stressed.  People are just too fun to me. All kinds of people from all kinds of places talking about all kinds of things......yippeee.  For him that meant too much noise, too many people at one time, too much effort at trying to talk to people he didn't even know. Stress.

I recently read an excellent book that I recommend highly to anyone who loves an introvert. And, by the way, an introvert is not necessarily shy according to the author. The book is called Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.  It's by Susan Cain and is meticulously researched.  I learned so much about my children, my husband and all people who are not extroverts.  It explains the strengths of introverts in a world that overly values extroverts or extrovert impostors.  Excellent read.

As to the title of this post....Just SAY It.  This is what I consistently want to say to the introverts in my life. However, it isn't that easy. My extroverted kids and I tend to say too much. The results many times requires an apology. The opposite is true in our family of introverts; at times they have much to say but do not. This causes problems as you might imagine. Feeling they are not heard, that their opinion is not respected, even anger as they push down what apparently needs to come out.  I, of course, could not even fathom this as I am a big mouth and love to talk to anyone.  I also find myself having to apologize not infrequently (although it's less and less as I age). Sometimes my words come out so fast they bypass my intellect completely. It's lame and I hate it. Sigh......   This is not a problem for most of my family. How nice for them.

However, feeling unable to say what one wants to say is equally frustrating.  We cope with this on a daily basis here and I try and teach my children that it is only in communication that they might hope to get what they need or want or to convey something meaningful.  Not an easy job folks.  It's like them asking me to be totally quiet for a week...won't happen for me. 

 

Introverts have many, many qualities that were highly valued in the 19th century. The book tells the unfortunate story of how 20th century society made introversion a pathology. It is terrible really. But, the book also gives great hope and understanding regarding this personality type and it is well worth the time to read it. If you love someone who is an introvert it will give you GREAT insight into how they think, what gives them energy, pleasure, stress and the riches inside those quiet exteriors.

~Blessings~

Lisa