I want to write this post in a sort of vacuum. I would like it written and read not as a finger wagging post nor as a "look how terrible these parents are" post. I really am still trying to find out why a certain behaviour is so common among parents in this country yet so ineffective.
What drives it? What compels parents to believe it works? Why is it acceptable within a family yet not in the workplace or in society? Why is it legal one day and considered assault the next? Is it defended by Holy Scripture? Is it always wrong? Is it always right?
Hitting.
Not spanking a small child on the bottom.
Hitting an older child or teen or young adult.
Hitting. Shoving. Badgering. Insulting.
Are you angry yet?
Many of you are.
Is your heart beating faster? Is it because you are the hitter? Or is it because you have been hit? Is it because this wounds you or because you feel justified in striking another person because they "belong" to you?
This interests me because I grew up with a parent who has never yelled at me even once. I was never hit by my Mom who had amazing self control always. I have many other posts about speaking to children if you're interested. I am truly interested in this subject because I don't "get it". I do not wish in this post to criticize per se. I am not going to address all the questions above, only some. I will not get into the Biblical issues regarding spanking as that is a never ending mess. I will address more later but today I talk about the self control exerted at will. I use the word "child" here to mean around
8-18 years. So here we go.
If you sit on the outside like a spectator and watch the last confrontation you may have had with your child that ended in a slap or push or hit, what did that look like? What did it sound like from the outside in your new observer seat?
How would it have sounded to a kind, older neighbor? How would it have sounded to your pediatrician or Pastor? How about your child's teacher?
What was your demeanor that day? Were you having a good day or bad? Were you over booked, over worked? Were you in a hurry? Was your confidence low, your self esteem attacked by someone else? Was there something or someone else who already had your blood boiling? Remember..... turn off your defensive mode as you read.
Does this child "push your buttons"?
In this same day would you have spoken to your spouse the same way? Would your spouse have also been hit? Would your Mother-in-law have been hit? Your best friend? Your boss? Your neighbor? The idiot on the road who cut you off? The old lady in the store who's cart was in your way?
The family is getting ready for church on Sunday and there is chaos. Suzie cannot find her shoes, Johnny is fighting with Ben and your husband can't find his belt. You look like Attila the Hun and you're all late. Now the child who pushes your buttons says something rude that sets you off and you are DONE. What happens next?
What is so very interesting is......
When that happens at work there is no slap. When it happens within members of the family that are not your children there is no hitting. When you get seriously mad, when you are so darn frustrated and angry you could just spit there is no slap.
Why?
I want to know this answer. It is an interesting sociological phenomenon.
But when you have had it, have been running all day, dinner is late, Johnny has said the wrong thing and you are in your own home with no prying eyes a slap or insult is easy.
Does it work? Do you get the result you want?
Does the child smile and say, "Okay, No problem" and skip off and do just what you wanted in the first place?
Then I suppose in theory it would be worth the hit or shove or slap. But does it?
I really, really want folks to sit back, put on different eyes and see the situations when this happens and ask different questions and see if this behaviour works and if it doesn't, what does it produce? What would it produce in you if it happened to you today?
Do you know you can slap, shove, hit a 17 yr old kid and it is perfectly legal as long as you do not leave a mark, but on the day of their 18th birthday it is a crime? It's assault and rightly so. Now does that make any sense at all?? Behaviour that can get you arrested one day is acceptable the day before? Hmmmm. Something to think about.
For this moment, don't get mad, don't feel guilty. Think logically about if this works and if it does not. Think why you do it to your child and why you do not do it to everyone else you know. That you have self control for everyone else but not them. Is there common sense in this to an outsider from another planet who is watching this behaviour? That we would hit, shove, slap those we love the most, those who we would NEVER allow anyone else to harm?
What IS this mechanism?
It is a very interesting thing to ponder.
~Blessings~
Lisa
This interests me because I grew up with a parent who has never yelled at me even once. I was never hit by my Mom who had amazing self control always. I have many other posts about speaking to children if you're interested. I am truly interested in this subject because I don't "get it". I do not wish in this post to criticize per se. I am not going to address all the questions above, only some. I will not get into the Biblical issues regarding spanking as that is a never ending mess. I will address more later but today I talk about the self control exerted at will. I use the word "child" here to mean around
8-18 years. So here we go.
If you sit on the outside like a spectator and watch the last confrontation you may have had with your child that ended in a slap or push or hit, what did that look like? What did it sound like from the outside in your new observer seat?
How would it have sounded to a kind, older neighbor? How would it have sounded to your pediatrician or Pastor? How about your child's teacher?
What was your demeanor that day? Were you having a good day or bad? Were you over booked, over worked? Were you in a hurry? Was your confidence low, your self esteem attacked by someone else? Was there something or someone else who already had your blood boiling? Remember..... turn off your defensive mode as you read.
Does this child "push your buttons"?
In this same day would you have spoken to your spouse the same way? Would your spouse have also been hit? Would your Mother-in-law have been hit? Your best friend? Your boss? Your neighbor? The idiot on the road who cut you off? The old lady in the store who's cart was in your way?
The family is getting ready for church on Sunday and there is chaos. Suzie cannot find her shoes, Johnny is fighting with Ben and your husband can't find his belt. You look like Attila the Hun and you're all late. Now the child who pushes your buttons says something rude that sets you off and you are DONE. What happens next?
What is so very interesting is......
When that happens at work there is no slap. When it happens within members of the family that are not your children there is no hitting. When you get seriously mad, when you are so darn frustrated and angry you could just spit there is no slap.
Why?
I want to know this answer. It is an interesting sociological phenomenon.
But when you have had it, have been running all day, dinner is late, Johnny has said the wrong thing and you are in your own home with no prying eyes a slap or insult is easy.
Does it work? Do you get the result you want?
Does the child smile and say, "Okay, No problem" and skip off and do just what you wanted in the first place?
Then I suppose in theory it would be worth the hit or shove or slap. But does it?
I really, really want folks to sit back, put on different eyes and see the situations when this happens and ask different questions and see if this behaviour works and if it doesn't, what does it produce? What would it produce in you if it happened to you today?
Do you know you can slap, shove, hit a 17 yr old kid and it is perfectly legal as long as you do not leave a mark, but on the day of their 18th birthday it is a crime? It's assault and rightly so. Now does that make any sense at all?? Behaviour that can get you arrested one day is acceptable the day before? Hmmmm. Something to think about.
For this moment, don't get mad, don't feel guilty. Think logically about if this works and if it does not. Think why you do it to your child and why you do not do it to everyone else you know. That you have self control for everyone else but not them. Is there common sense in this to an outsider from another planet who is watching this behaviour? That we would hit, shove, slap those we love the most, those who we would NEVER allow anyone else to harm?
What IS this mechanism?
It is a very interesting thing to ponder.
~Blessings~
Lisa
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