You know, as parents we often wonder if we are doing okay in this parenting endeavor. In fact it can be an all consuming fear that we are not doing it right. I can go along just "doing" life and then it hits me ,"Am I really doing any good with these kids", "Do they love God and their neighbor?"? "Am I getting anywhere with teaching them how to get along in life", "Do they appreciate all we do for them"? and on and on. I really can't tell you how many hours I have spent thinking I didn't do enough, didn't provide enough, been creative enough to raise good, holy, thoughtful, patriotic children. My whole life has been dedicated to this and it matters to me....a great deal, so to dwell on what I might be doing wrong is acutely painful.
One of my closest friends, a Catholic priest, can tell you how often I have had a meltdown that I am not doing very well in this Mothering business. He tells me always that yes, we are doing fine. But I don't think we as Moms can see this because we are too close. We don't see how they might be when we are not over their shoulders giving direction. I think this is common for all Moms once your children get beyond the toddler years and into the world. When you see them make mistakes, or maybe not do what you would do in a given situation or treat someone in an unkind way. When you try and instill a kind spirit, or a sense of responsibility and you feel like you just do not see any fruit.
We have a strange life in that we live in a medical circus. Our lives are intricately interwoven with medical problems, appointments, surgeries, equipment, meds, etc. We are used to our odd life. It is normal for us. But I can sometimes step back and look at it and feel a sadness at a lack of the normal normalcy (as opposed to our normalcy) that many others enjoy. I feel guilty that we don't do what other families do or go where other families go. There is a whole book waiting to be written on this but what I want to share in this post is the wonderful thing that comes out of this mess.
We have seen over and over that when we have an emergency or extended medical trip for neurosurgeries, our older children rise to the call like champs. I want to make it clear I am not bragging. I hope to encourage you that at the times you really wonder if you've raised a self-centered ax murderer......you probably have not simply because you care enough to wonder about it!
I was cleaning out my school stuff from this last year and ran into two essays from two of the younger boys. I assigned the topic from the hospital in NYC after having another surgery. We were supposed to be gone about 10 days but it turned into a month when my hospital stay extended to 2 weeks. The essay was on what they thought of being left behind again while Mom and Dad were gone. This was not new to them. Since they were toddlers they have experienced this difficult phenomenon. It has not been easy. The essays were so funny, sad, wonderful and telling that I felt a bit better after reading them.
The essays included being thankful how the older kids took them to the park, to Costco for hot dogs, on walks on the bird trail, and many other things. They also wrote of being bored and sad. They missed us yet both essays stated that they, "Were not worried about Mom because she has lots of surgeries and it's normal now." This makes my heart warm and a little less guilty. I never want them to worry about me to excess.
The essays also told about who did not do their chores, who did not pick up their things etc.!! I thought that was funny because the younger boys picked up after them! They wrote of the house just not being the same without Mom and Dad.
We recently were gone for 2 months on a medical trip including 3 brain surgeries on 3 different people in this family! Our older children took care of our home and anything that needed to be handled so darn well. Even their girlfriends cleaned our home, watered my plants, etc. They all pulled together for the good of the family and we returned to a spotless home.
What strikes me as lovely when I look back at these many trips is how the house still operates daily as if we were there. That's because we have a daily routine that rarely wavers. Our routine each morning comes before anything else including school. What I like about this is that the kids don't think twice about their daily work and they understand how it matters to how our days progress. When you begin the day behind in chores the whole day seems to be more stressful. The older ones have known this routine their whole lives, so to get up and get things done comes naturally to them. When we are gone, I believe this produces a security for the younger kids that things go on even when circumstances are a bit different.
The older kids step into our roles with no problem at all. They do the shopping, chauffeuring, bed times, keep our rules intact. They get the house work organized, the many appointments handled, etc. They put the younger kids first! They fix balanced meals and provide fun treats. They make sure the many meds are taken and once our son Joe stayed up all night to observe, take stats and take care of one of the younger boys who has a rare metabolic disease and was having a metabolic crisis. He miraculously kept him out of the hospital! It was amazing to experience this from across country where we were for surgery. He kept us up to date all night long on Frank's status. After this we knew we were doing okay.
It's funny that the same wonderful responsible, caring, even heroic kids that take care of everything when we're gone go right back to being kids when we return! But it does give us a glimpse of how they will be out on their own when the rubber hits the road. It also shows us they are capable of caring for others first and themselves second. So important.
I guess my point is....keep it up. Don't despair because they really do hear what we say over and over, as well as absorbing our actions. They internalize it whether they know it or not. When they have the chance to step up to the plate they'll use all those things you've taught them. Have faith!
~Blessings~
Lisa
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