Character

"Character is not something you teach, it is something you observe at home"  

This is a close quote to something I read today and so true. 

Can you teach good character? I don't think so. 

Can it be done in a lecture, a class, a sermon?  What about in discipline?

Nope.

I observed good character traits in my Mother during my formative years and in her speaking about her own years growing up in a good home. She spoke frequently of how she was raised and I always loved hearing about that, but it was her actions that spoke louder than any lecture or book or lesson on character building ever could.

She had/has a gentle, calm, serene way about her. She has strict boundaries, used in a gentle way  that allow her to be at peace and know where her strengths and weaknesses are. She knows when to say yes and when to say no so she neither hurts herself nor anyone else. I admire this in her and she has taught me well. I hope I have taught my children this as well.

I read a book once on character building and it was good. There was one thing in particular I remember from it and it was this.....

Every "bad" trait has an opposite good trait and vice versa. Or, in religious terms, every vice has an opposite virtue. This is a wonderful thought when training up children to know that this opposite trait business can be used for the good. Let's face it, to have an argumentative, never-let-it-go sort of kid doesn't sound too appealing to a parent but if guided properly you may have an attorney in training right???  If we can take their natural traits and teach them to use those for the good we foster character building.

Do you have a little Jane or Johnny who takes apart your doorknobs, your DVD player, maybe even your computer? You may be very aggravated but you may also have an engineer in your midst. It's helpful to learn to look at what our children can do with the things that may annoy us. If we give them the freedom to use their talents with something they cannot hurt then we teach them their talents are needed. That they are needed in the family fosters character.

We had some plumbing problems. We decided that we would let one of the older boys (meaning a 12 year old!) try and fix it. We would have had to call the plumber anyway so why not let him read up on it, give it a whirl and do his best? He was our guy who took everything apart.

He did a great job!! He had a bit of help and we did not have to pay a plumber and to this day does most of our plumbing!! He got so much confidence from that and this does so much for a child's character as a man-in-training. 

Do you have a show off, a real people loving child?  Take them to the local old folks home and let them chatter away. We have one of those and she frequently goes and plays piano and sings to them. She has read stories and just sits and talks to them. One little old gal thinks Mary is her old school chum so Mary plays along with the game. This is our people person and she brings great joy to these people who are often forgotten. This fosters great character in a child.

We have a son who is also a people person and he too likes older people. His friends his own age used tease him because he "hangs out with old guys". Sheesh. Yeah, he had several "old guys" in their 70's who he loved to visit with, hunt with, work for, be teased by and tell jokes to. They loved him and bossed him around and were thrilled someone his age cared enough to hang around with them. We don't really live in a world like that anymore. We encouraged his friendships. Mike's character was formed by these "old guys" and we are thrilled they took the time to "hang out" with him. This was good old fashioned character building.

We have mostly introverted children out of our 8. Everyone strives to get them"out of their shells". They do not want to be "out of their shells".  They are happy right where they are and we love them just the way they are.  They are polite, they smile and say "hello" appropriately and are not "shy". They have solid characters.

I know it's shocking but do you know that one half the population is INTROVERTED. Yes, I'll say it again ONE HALF of the population is introverted. 

And being quiet (this is not the same as shy) is not a negative character trait folks.  It is not a pathology nor is it something to conquer.  

There is a wonderful book I have mentioned here before and I highly recommend if you know, love or are an introvert. It is called "Quiet, The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Meticulously researched, with dozens of studies and real life stories, this book is excellent. Susan herself is an introvert who was a high powered attorney. It tells how up until the 20th century so called "advice manuals" on character spoke in terms of attributes like...

Duty

Work

Golden Rule

Honor

Morals

Integrity

Manners

These are easily had by both introverts and extroverts alike. 

However, by the 1920's the words had dramatically changed to....

Magnetic

Fascinating

Stunning 

Attractive

Dominant

Forceful

Energetic   

(the above lists are from the book "Quiet")

It is no coincidence that in the 1920's Americans had become obsessed with movie stars.  How many movie stars come across as introverts?  The time for introverts was over and it had become a pathology to be an introvert, something to be "overcome". A character trait to be rid of.

I myself have had to learn the value of this trait. It is one I now see as important to society as it's foundation because of their ability to wait, watch and listen before doing anything. To ponder, to keep things in one's heart. Introverts are wonderful, I am married to one. Extroverts are pretty special too. Both types of people are wonderful. The character traits they each possess compliment each other and both are necessary. Buy that book and study it. It's exceptional.

Character building begins the very day a baby is born when they begin to watch their parents interact with one another and the world around them. It's everything we do as parents when we are not thinking about it that matters. The way we speak when we don't know the children are listening, the way we talk to each other when company is not around. 

It's returning to the store when the change is incorrect and the 8 year old has seen you count it. 

It's giving back the extra fry in the McDonald's bag even though you know they will throw it away.

It's not talking on your cell phone in the car, not because you have checked and you know it's safe but because the LAW SAYS IT IS NOT and if you get to decide which laws you get to follow then SO DO THEY WHEN IT'S THEIR TURN.

This list can go on for eternity.

Character is never doing what you do not want your children to do. And of course always doing what you want your children to do.

In a perfect world this would be easy and of course we all know this is not a perfect world. But a great deal of effort pays off big time. Seeing our kids do the right thing is beyond rewarding. Watching them do the wrong thing is coming too and forgiveness must be there.

This parenting business is exhausting but we did sign up and we have to run the race until it's finished which Ed and I have recently figured out is NEVER......sigh. Ugh.  We sort of thought this 8 kid thing would be done when they grew up but it isn't turning out that way....exactly.

We still worry. We still care. We still feel ill if they get really sick. We still stress when they are stressed. Geez.....

But God is good and they are all smart, make pretty good decisions, they all have good characters and we all laugh a lot. My Mom is proud and I am thankful. This big family business is fun if nothing else.

~Blessings~

Lisa