Speaking to a Child

Our children are assets, not liabilities, yet so often we treat them as possessions and not persons by the way we speak to them.

How we speak to our kids is one of the most important things we practice in parenting. How something is said to a child, whether 6 yrs. or 26 yrs. is critical in what their reaction will be. This puts a lot of weight on our speech and manner.  Probably more than we like or are comfortable with.

Have you ever been ready to be helpful or compliant or cheerful only to have someone give you instructions in a condescending or sarcastic tone and you find yourself acting or speaking in an ugly way?  I have.  Minutes before, you were ready to do whatever was asked, now you are snotty, belligerent and not communicating very well. 

This is exactly what happens with parent/child communications so often. It is also the number one question I'm asked by young mothers, "How do I get the kids to listen to me"? One of the things I found to be simple and effective, is to..... 

speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Most folks would never speak to a friends' child the way they speak to their own. It's destructive in the long run because we are not giving the children we love and nurture the same consideration we give those outside the family. It's so simple really and not very hard if we can remember that little sentence.....

I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Trying to overcome a habit of speaking critically or sarcastically or condescendingly to a child is a noble thing. Because we rarely examine how we speak to our children the negative speech becomes normal and then we cannot figure out why we aren't getting compliance. Think about how you give an order....is there an invisible "stupid" at the end of the sentence?

Thankfully it is pretty simple to make the effort to change this. Try to keep remembering your children are more important to you than other children and should be spoken to as such.  I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child. Write it down, put it on your mirror, on your cupboard, in your car. It doesn't require any methods or certain kinds of words, or anything complicated. Pretend you are speaking to your best friends' child and you're there!

It is instant gratification too. You will be proud of your ability to stay calm and cool when the kids may not be.

This requires self control obviously. One of those very difficult things to practice because individuals are so different in what they believe control is.  When a child isn't speaking to a parent properly, it is then that we need control of our face and voice and speech. They must see the parent in control at all times if a child is to learn self control.  It is not as hard as it sounds, but consistency is the key. Every time, any place, regardless of circumstance. 

Arguing back at a child is a major no-no if you want compliance. You are not on their level, you are trying to teach them to be on your level eventually.

There are those who would say a sassy child deserves to be spoken to in a harsh way. I disagree. Again, how would you deal with your best friends' child if they were to be sassy to you?  The calmer you are, the more in control you are the better your message is heard. You can be firm and kind at the same time. You are the adult, you are ultimately in control, but the way you gain control is the teaching moment for children.

After all, our children are our most precious assets, they should know we value them as much as any other people in our lives. Children can feel disrespect from adults. They can feel when they are being spoken down to. This does not encourage compliance.

When they feel valued, they want to please.

When they are complimented they want to do more.

If they are understood and comforted when they fail, they experience mercy.

When they see we do not over react and judge, they come to us willingly.

~Blessings~

Lisa