Peace and Schedlues

Kids like to know what's going on.

Mom's get tired of answering a million questions a day about what is happening next.

One word.....Schedules

I know, if you aren't a Type A who thrives on lists and schedules this may sound daunting.  I promise it is not. Even a loose schedule results in less whining, better behavior and less real-time thinking for Mom! 

Kids do better knowing what is going on and when. If breakfast is always at 8:00 they know what to expect. If the kids always go outside at 11:00 they know after they come in it's time for lunch. If they take their daily nap after lunch you will get far less whining if it's always after lunch. My Grammy used to always say in response to a "why" question, "It's the law of the land"!  I used that so often when my children were younger and it always satisfied them. The attitude of, "oh well, it's just how it is" helps kids to shrug and accept.

One perk to a schedule is it allowed me to know when I would get a bit of time to myself to read, get something done or time for a phone call to a friend. I could look forward to that time each day and the break it offered. Some days it was my lifeline!!

As a natural scheduler, I always followed a daily schedule with pretty firm nap times. I had friends who were not schedule types and they frequently struggled with daily meltdowns as kids got over-tired.  If naps are in stone, kids will accept them much better. Some of mine would even ask to go night-night and I would always know it must be close to 1:00PM.  When kids get rest they are much more pleasant for the rest of the day.

Meals at our house were pretty much on schedule too. Once the kids could tell time it saved me answering, "What time is dinner"? 101 times a day! I also posted a menu so when they asked what was for dinner I could refer to it. When they learned to read they could just go look for themselves.

Setting up your day not only helps children, it helps Mom when the old brain feels like mush. By the middle of the week it's pretty hard to keep your brains on track if you have little ones. My menus and schedule helped me stay cheerful when I didn't always feel very cheerful. 

Another thing that helped my children's behavior a lot was not over scheduling our day. I pretty much kept to an activity either morning or late afternoon (after naps) and maybe something for the family at night. Never all 3 or behaviour issues would inevitably arise. I think this is a huge issue for families now. Kids are booked like executives. Morning, afternoon, evening then falling into bed.  I really think this fosters being overwhelmed and family strife as members rush around trying to meet time deadlines.

We have always had "quiet time" in our home. Every weekday the children who didn't nap had their "quiet time" where they could read, do puzzles, draw, their choice of activity as long as they were quiet. Many years ago I read a Mother Theresa quote that spoke of quiet. She felt we all needed quiet to find God and peace in our days. I know for myself, I need quiet time to re-charge and organize my thoughts. It keeps me from getting too high strung and too fast paced which results in tension with the kids. This "quiet time" worked beautifully in that all our children to this day enjoy quiet with no music or T.V. needed. This is super important in our media saturated world.

If you cannot abide schedules and they make you feel like a prisoner, maybe just scheduling naps for the same time each day will help behavior issues. Maybe just easing off on overly busy schedules will bring more peace to your home and life. Just being together is a priceless endeavor that doesn't seem to be valued as highly as achieving many things per day. 

Value it.

Treasure it.

It disappears too quickly as children age and go off on their merry way.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Speaking to a Child

Our children are assets, not liabilities, yet so often we treat them as possessions and not persons by the way we speak to them.

How we speak to our kids is one of the most important things we practice in parenting. How something is said to a child, whether 6 yrs. or 26 yrs. is critical in what their reaction will be. This puts a lot of weight on our speech and manner.  Probably more than we like or are comfortable with.

Have you ever been ready to be helpful or compliant or cheerful only to have someone give you instructions in a condescending or sarcastic tone and you find yourself acting or speaking in an ugly way?  I have.  Minutes before, you were ready to do whatever was asked, now you are snotty, belligerent and not communicating very well. 

This is exactly what happens with parent/child communications so often. It is also the number one question I'm asked by young mothers, "How do I get the kids to listen to me"? One of the things I found to be simple and effective, is to..... 

speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Most folks would never speak to a friends' child the way they speak to their own. It's destructive in the long run because we are not giving the children we love and nurture the same consideration we give those outside the family. It's so simple really and not very hard if we can remember that little sentence.....

I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Trying to overcome a habit of speaking critically or sarcastically or condescendingly to a child is a noble thing. Because we rarely examine how we speak to our children the negative speech becomes normal and then we cannot figure out why we aren't getting compliance. Think about how you give an order....is there an invisible "stupid" at the end of the sentence?

Thankfully it is pretty simple to make the effort to change this. Try to keep remembering your children are more important to you than other children and should be spoken to as such.  I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child. Write it down, put it on your mirror, on your cupboard, in your car. It doesn't require any methods or certain kinds of words, or anything complicated. Pretend you are speaking to your best friends' child and you're there!

It is instant gratification too. You will be proud of your ability to stay calm and cool when the kids may not be.

This requires self control obviously. One of those very difficult things to practice because individuals are so different in what they believe control is.  When a child isn't speaking to a parent properly, it is then that we need control of our face and voice and speech. They must see the parent in control at all times if a child is to learn self control.  It is not as hard as it sounds, but consistency is the key. Every time, any place, regardless of circumstance. 

Arguing back at a child is a major no-no if you want compliance. You are not on their level, you are trying to teach them to be on your level eventually.

There are those who would say a sassy child deserves to be spoken to in a harsh way. I disagree. Again, how would you deal with your best friends' child if they were to be sassy to you?  The calmer you are, the more in control you are the better your message is heard. You can be firm and kind at the same time. You are the adult, you are ultimately in control, but the way you gain control is the teaching moment for children.

After all, our children are our most precious assets, they should know we value them as much as any other people in our lives. Children can feel disrespect from adults. They can feel when they are being spoken down to. This does not encourage compliance.

When they feel valued, they want to please.

When they are complimented they want to do more.

If they are understood and comforted when they fail, they experience mercy.

When they see we do not over react and judge, they come to us willingly.

~Blessings~

Lisa

When Pain Produces.....

Can unrelenting, blinding, throbbing, life changing pain produce anything positive?

Oh yes.....

 Ballade of the Stars

Mon Coeur

 Austin Pruitt, takes his pain and produces something beautiful. He chooses to do good with what he is dealing with. It's always a choice no matter how hard, no matter how unfair. And sometimes something beautiful appears.

Did you know many musicians suffered?

Robert Schumann suffered terribly.
Ludwig Von Beethoven was deaf!
Ravel suffered a degenerative disease of the brain.
  Felix Mendelssohn suffered multiple brain aneurysms.
George Gershwin had a brain tumor.

This young man suffers from Intracranial Hypertension (also called Pseudotumor Cerebri). www.ihrfoundation.org/

Both Stevie and I have this. Bobby has also had a bout with it. Only 1 in 100,000 people have IIH. It is high cerebrospinal fluid pressure in the brain. It has a host of symptoms, identical to a brain tumor....all unpleasant. We have brain shunts, more specifically ventriculo-peritoneal brain shunts that take fluid from our brains via a tube and drains it into our tummies. I have had 3 brain surgeries for IIH and Steven has had 1. All 3 of us have had multiple spinal taps. However, it isn't near as a big of a deal as the decompression brain surgeries as far as recovery and it sure does help. Steven came back to life so to speak after his was placed! We are so grateful.

As well as our VP shunts work, we still have days where they either malfunction or get clogged causing issues with pressure and this can be pretty nasty. Nothing can do artificially what our bodies should be doing, but we are grateful for our surgeon Dr. Paolo Bolognese and his expertise at fixing us!

Please watch this amazing video and listen to all of the others he has written also. They are absolutely breath taking. We try so hard to be positive around here with our medical mumbo-jumbo. It's inspiring to me to see someone at this age do something wonderful with his pain to bless others.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Unconditional Attention

"I sent her a note thanking her for being so ‘there’ during our lunch. I didn’t know how else to express my joy. She wrote back, ‘I was there, fully there, because I wanted to be.’ It was wonderful. And maybe it was a silly thing to thank someone for, but to me, today, anyone’s time and attention feels like such a huge gift."

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes.”

These are two short excerpts from a favorite blog of mine,  Hands Free Mama.

"Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes."...... and maybe the same thing. I run into conditional attention often....so often. I see it in public, I experience it with my adult children, my husband and I can get my feelings hurt by friends who divide their attention when with me. I only give a certain percentage of my attention depending on what I may be doing.This is a new cultural phenomenon. It is not a good one.

Being a Mom of a large family and especially one that homeschools, time with unconditional attention is precious. Time connecting with my children is what my life is about. Especially now.

In the days before I had multiple brain surgeries and went from a 100mph speedway gal to a school zone gal of a whopping 25 mph, I never stopped in the day except for my 10 minute power naps. I lived on a schedule, had goals and had more than enough to do each day for my children and husband. My life revolved around them and each day I served them with all of my heart and soul. This is what I had always wanted, then was blessed to be able to do. I tried my hardest (and sometimes failed) to stop and pay attention anytime any of them needed to show me something wonderful or tell me something important.  But I was always needing to get to the next thing so they did not get unconditional attention.

After my first surgery I spent a long time living in constant guilt and sadness that I was not the mom to my younger 3 that I had been to the first 5. This was something I had always sworn would not happen...that I would not poop out in the homestretch.  Now I was not able to do field trips or hikes or, for awhile, even go outside. In the wheelchair was how they saw me, not the always-walking-fast me from before. I couldn't just throw them in the van and go to the zoo for the day or spend time at friends' house on the spur of the moment like we used to.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

One day as I lay reading to them I realized with a bang that I WAS LAYING THERE READING TO THEM!  Big DUH.  I was thrilled. I was happy. I was shocked. It was okay that I was not doing things for them. I was with them....unconditionally.

How can a relatively smart Mom be so darn dumb? The forest was before me and I had been lamenting having no trees.These little boys had so much more of me than my older children. There definitely were things they were not getting to do, places they didn't get to go but they had my undivided, unconditional attention because I couldn't DO anything else!

Now that I can do a bit more, I choose not to DO too much, GO so much, get so much DONE. I see that efficiency may not be such a great thing all the time. Sitting, talking, laughing, listening, sharing is what I have to offer now. It's different but it's awesome. I still at times, long for the days running around being efficient, but I now do not have to regret not spending quantity or quality time not only with my youngest 3 sons but with the older kids as well. I have time to listen to their very important adult problems, struggles, achievements and bad jokes. I concentrate and stop everything to give these older guys unconditional attention. It can be exhausting but is ALWAYS worth it.

This revelation has also taught me that unconditional attention is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Whether it's my children or my husband , a friend or even the checker at the grocery store. Giving unconditional attention to anyone matters and boy do people notice. Our society is so stinkin' fast paced now, that giving a bit of decent attention is a real...well...attention getter!  I can see someone's demeanor change when I just take the time to really listen or ask a question..... stop and pay attention.

We can all feel when we do not have someone's attention...right?  Let's make it unconditional and we all benefit.

This goes for my relationship with God too. 
It is a struggle to give Him unconditional attention. 
Unconditional.
Rough word. 
Just being with God. 
No "conditions". 

I have fallen in love with this wonderful phrase. I have always tried to pay attention to people but the additional word, unconditional, is just something special.

Thank you Hands Free Mama

~Blessings~
Lisa

Summer Time

I often marvel at how different things are in the last 20 years or so.  I had 2 of the boys at the orthodontist's office the other morning and as I was making their next appointments I looked around the waiting room. That waiting room was full of parents and children staring at their phones. There was no visiting, no stories being read aloud, no parents exchanging words with one another.

Twenty years certainly doesn't seem very long ago. I remember my Grandmother and Mother saying those same words......I am definitely getting older!

Technology, communication in general.....is so very different in such a short time. Things have changed dramatically.

However......

Summer is still Good Ol' Summer Time! Some things just don't have to change in 20 years to be great! Like....

 Our County Fair

Ball Games

Beaches

Gardens

Popsicles

Clear blue pools

Sprinklers

The wonderful smell of sunscreen

Picking strawberries

 Picking our raspberries, blackberries and eating watermelon!

Independence Day

Picnics

 Daylight until almost 10:00 PM here in the Pacific Northwest

Hot days and cool nights

Hot dogs, hamburgers and corn on the cob

Flip flops

Being tan

Days on the lake

All these things are so simple, so timeless, so wonderful. I look forward all winter to these lazy days and they are exactly the same as they were 20 years ago.  No technology can make any of this better!

It is just lovely that some things just cannot be improved upon!

~Blessings~
Lisa

When You See A Special Needs Child

This very special post was written by my friend and fellow medical Mom. She and I met because we shared a brain malformation and spinal cord problem in ourselves and our children. While talking we also discovered we shared another even more rare disease...Mitochondrial Disease. We both have 8 children AND homeschool!  God was at work. 

 I admire Amy so much and now even more after reading this.....

When You See A Special Needs Child

When you see a special needs child, do you know what to do?  Are you uncomfortable, not knowing whether to speak or look away?

When you see a special needs child, you can't help but stare.  You think the parents don't notice as you sneak glances, but they do.

When you see a special needs child, the best thing you can do is smile.  Smile really, really big at the parents and at the child.  Say hello.  Compliment the child's hair, or clothing, or smile, or even comment on how "cool" their medical equipment is.  Because it is!  It may be saving their lives, or giving them mobility.  And how cool is that!

When you see a special needs child, you see tubes, and a wheelchair, and birth defects.  But special needs parents see their child, their baby.  And he or she is beautiful, and unique, and very, very loved.  The parents are so used to the equipment that they don't even notice it anymore.  They know it's what you focus on, and that makes them sad.  So please try to look past it, and notice their child.

When you see a special needs parent, you don't know what to say.  Should you ask about their child's medical condition or avoid the subject altogether?  Parents spend countless hours researching medical information and they want others to understand.  Please show that you care by asking questions.  Maybe you've even done some research on your own, and that's good.  But do NOT suggest "cures" or treatments to the parent.  It's okay to humbly ask if they've heard of such-and-such, but please don't speak with authority on a subject the parent is truly an expert on.

When you know a special needs family, you wish that you could help.  But you don't know what to do, so maybe you don't do anything at all.  Short notes or email messages that simply say "thinking of you" mean the world to them.  Dropping off a dessert, or fruit, or a meal is always appreciated.  Gift cards in any amount, or a five dollar bill to pay for parking at the next doctor's appointment, ease some of the financial burden.  Joining them for walk-a-thons or special events let them know you are with them on their journey.  Every little thing you do is actually huge to special needs families.

When you see a special needs child, you think how lucky you are that your own children are "healthy."  What you cannot comprehend is that special needs parents are truly thankful beyond words for the biggest blessing they have ever experienced in this life--a gift from God--their very special child. 

"When You See A Special Needs Child"
Copyright 2013 Amy Boyd & The Dare to Hope Foundation, Inc.

The author of this post is Amy Boyd, mom to Little Miss Mollypop.  Permission is granted to reprint all, or any part of this post.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Making Friends With Illness and Pain.....Acceptance

I have had a lot of time to analyze my own experience, that of our children and to listen to other's stories of living with pain, disease and disability. I have watched how coping plays out during many months at Ronald McDonald House living with other families.

Long term illness and especially pain can break you. Strangely, it can also become a friend.  Not a friend in the friend sort of way....but something you get used to, are familiar with, know how to handle. If you have a chronic illness you may know what I mean.

It can shape who you are in a positive way if you let it.
At the same time, this does not negate the  many difficult, sad, heavy things about it.  It ain't easy to hurt.

I am writing of acceptance as a way of finding peace. Not waving a white flag and giving up, but deciding to embrace suffering and be happy anyway.

One of my first observations of this was many moons ago when I was a pediatric dental assistant. Every so often, because they required more attention then our average patients, we had a day we devoted to handicapped children. We would always remark how much we enjoyed these days because, first, handicapped children are so special and second, these were the best parents in our practice. We would marvel that they just didn't get worked up over anything. They had been through the ringer and came out better than when they went in. They were warm, friendly, never demanding and able to cope with a great sense of humor. They could see what really mattered in life and weren't distracted by things being easy.

You see, when things are easy, we don't appreciate the small things and the small things are what life is made of. Hardship can mold a person into something beautiful.

I see this as we move through life knowing so many who are sick and hurting. There is a real difference in how folks handle this difficult life that they have been dealt.  It can break a family, relationships, even one's own personality. It can be beautiful or tragic.  It's a choice.

This is not to say making a positive choice to learn to live with illness and pain is easy or that it isn't frustrating, heartbreaking, lonely and isolating......because it is very much those things.  But it is a choice to go on happily in spite of them. 

How do people get a diagnosis of something terrible and come out of it eventually smiling and with some style? 

We sat in the waiting area of a neurosurgery office across country, 3,000 miles from home. We were there for another consultation for another child. I had already had several surgeries/procedures myself and was in the midst of learning a "new normal". A woman was sitting there and had been watching us. She finally came over and asked about our diagnosis', wanting to know HOW we lived with these monsters called Chiari Malformation, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Tethered Spinal Cord Syndrome and were still smiling. She shared our diagnosis....and was not smiling.

She said she had lost everything and everyone after being diagnosed. She shared how no one wanted to hear about her many appointments, struggles with pain, financial ruin and how terrible her life now was. After a long chat (the doctor was very behind) I began to see what was wrong, where her sadness and bitterness was coming from.
The acceptance was not there. The regret and mourning that rightfully accompany a difficult medical diagnosis had consumed her instead of her letting it happen then moving on, revisiting it only now and then on a hard day. A long process to be sure.

This is totally understandable right?  Doesn't a person have the right to feel sad, despondent even, longing for people to understand, have pity and offer assistance? Yes, I they do....but the attention cannot last forever. The disease progresses, things get harder and harder but the newness has worn off for those not living it.  It isn't fair but it's reality.

Friends and family get used to the way you may limp, or seeing you in your wheelchair or seeing you with no hair for the umpteenth time. They no longer blink that you have multiple doctor appointments every week, or multiple surgeries in a year, it's normal. It may not occur to them that all the things that come along with a diagnosis, cost money....a lot of it. They just do not understand all the facets. They do not, cannot understand because they have not been given this cross to carry....you have. And it isn't their fault.

Then there's the expectations we place upon ourselves. Those are the worst of all aren't they?  I know for me that's the hardest part. I want to try harder, push farther, make more plans, go 100 mph....but the body just won't let that happen. Frustration.

In our family, a medical life is the only life many of our kids have known. Regarding pain, we all have learned to live with it in our own ways. There is no complaining because it doesn't help. There is no attention seeking because everyone here has the same things.  Drama is not drama when it's normal. We try and make friends with the things in our medical life that can be so destructive and work around them.

There is a lovely mom and daughter we met through all this. They have the same diagnosis' we do. This kid has had 20+ brain surgeries and countless days in hospital. She suffers...a lot. Her Dad left as soon as the medical ball started rolling. The mom cannot work full time because she has to care for the child and her sister who also shares the same diagnosis'. The medical conditions they have are rare so she is constantly explaining and re-explaining to new doctors things they know little about. Few understand.

With all this, they never, ever complain. They smile, socialize, laugh and simply shrug their shoulders when asked, "How do you DO this?"  There are no excuses made, no blaming, no feeling sorry for themselves. All they want to do is learn to live with these conditions and be happy. Searching for a way for the girls to function in the best way possible.

Why such a difference in people's reactions to illness? I don't know. But I do see the results of both choices and there is no happiness, no relationships, no moving forward when it isn't accepted.

These are some of the questions I asked myself long ago and I ask others when they seek some answers.

*Does it help to blame?  Then why bother even if you want to know the answers?

*Does it help to complain, even if it is justified?   Nope, it drives folks away...far away.

*If you take your frustrations from pain and illness out on others, does it make the pain go away? Nope, pain is still there AND you are alone.

 *Do you realize always wanting to talk about it and having it validated makes you the center of attention?  If this is often then to outsiders it makes you look self-centered when you aren't.

Because something is always hurting or bothering you, must you make others aware of it?

 *Are there others who suffer more?

*What are the blessings in your life?

 Having a disease can make us very self centered not because we feel important like in narcissism, but because our bodies are always making us aware of ourselves. This is so annoying but something we have to learn to ignore. This is a skill.

I have seen over many years that the more acceptance I practice daily, the more peace I make with pain. It's still there, it can still drive me nuts, but it's okay (well, usually). I know this goes against the grain of many people. Like accepting defeat. But it is NOT. It is accepting something I cannot change. It is arranging my days to achieve maximum effort and get something done while appearing as normal as possible.

It really is a skill. Practice. If, when asked how you are, you smile and say, "Oh, pretty darn good. You know, the usual garbage that goes along with this lame disease. But I am thankful it isn't much worse." An Oh-Well sort of attitude, I guarantee you, will get more attention than you do giving gory details or the results of your last set of labs! The less you seek attention with your situation, the more folks will care.  When you are smiling, happy, asking others about themselves you become less self aware of the hard things your body is enduring.

Find a way to accept what is hard and unchangeable in your life. Try and make peace with what God has asked of you.

Do it with prayer.

Do it with style.

Do it with a smile.

Do it to gain self esteem...... it's an achievement.

And it works.....most of the time.

~Blessings~
Lisa