Why Our Kids Get 3 Gifts for Christmas...

This post has roamed around my head awhile because I don't want to use a million words and I have told this story a million times when asked why our children "only" get 3 gifts from Ed and I. I just have so much to say about it like I do everything...sorry folks I'm a wordy girl. I'll try hard to keep it as short as I can. There are many details that will get left out but here goes.

 It begins with both of us being raised in divorced families where our Moms made our Christmases wonderful, never lacking anything.  In my house this meant easily 10-15 presents to open on Christmas just from my Mom. It was lovely as a child but my Mother certainly did not make a lot of money and I still have to ask her how she did it. She worked very long hours and we for some years when I was small, were quite poor. I'm sure she went without. Thankfully things got much better for us as the years went by!

You know I am not sure where to even start. I am a frugal shopper so even way back when, when I only had a few children I started early. When I saw this or that on sale I would put it away for Christmas. It might be as little as a 2 or 3 dollar item I found on clearance so there was not a great deal of money spent at all. There were items that were bigger that the children wanted but nothing extravagant. I would be done with shopping and wrapped by Nov. 1 usually so Advent could be enjoyed without the stresses of shopping and wrapping. (Sort of silly after you read this whole thing). When we put the tree up, as was the case at my house as a child, there were around 15-ish gifts under the tree for each child and with a big family this was no small scene! Please remember some things were small and very inexpensive, still, it looked like a Norman Rockwell postcard except that Norman Rockwell painted during some very rough financial times in our history but it was quite beautiful! Because I was an only child of a Mom who worked very long hours, these scenes were so very, very important to me. All the Traditions of Christmas were/are.

By the time of the "revelation" we had 5 children and we had a lovely neighbor, Vinay, who was Hindu. She and her family had never experienced Christmas and she asked if she could help me and was all excited to help me "do" Christmas on Christmas Eve.  I absolutely loved her and we were like little kids waiting for that evening to do this together.

Christmas Eve was always spent with the Grandparents on both sides giving and receiving gifts.....lots of gifts. Again, this was just how things were done and we didn't think about it. When the wonderful night with family, eating, visiting and gift-giving was over, we literally put 2 huge bags (you know those black lawn and garbage bags) filled with gifts into the trunk of the car and headed home.

After we got some very excited kids into bed I headed over to get Vinay and put Midnight Mass on T.V. She was absolutely enthralled by the Pope and all that was going on with that. She was like a child, always excited about everything new since her family was not from the U.S. Her family was Hindu so I explained our Catholic/Christian customs and WHO this Baby was and why He came. She was genuinely so interested in everything. 

Then she was anxious to begin the more secular traditions of Christmas Eve.

Then the...revelations......began.

I took her upstairs to where the gifts were hidden and we started to take them down to the tree. We made trip after trip...after trip......after trip..........after trip. It was fun at first, then she seemed confused, then she was in shock that ALL OF THIS WAS JUST FOR OUR CHILDREN. 

I was seeing all of this through the eyes of someone who had never experienced Christmas. At all. Ever. Remember..... I had just explained what it all meant in the Christian Tradition.......Ugh.

 I was disgusted, I was sad, my eyes were wide open. And when she left I cried. How had I missed this?  How had I fallen into this trap when my faith meant so much to me, to us as a family? 

I am truly not saying anyone who buys for their children is wrong or in a trap. This is about our family and that we were doing this in excess...truly. It was ridiculous. We had pledged to live a simple life when we got married. When I saw this through someone's eyes who I had just explained my faith to, who had NO IDEA about Christmas and the Christian practice of it....it was so....well....distasteful...is all I can say. No Black Friday Sale, no buying 6 months ahead of time, no excuse mattered that night through her eyes.....it was stuff and the night was about our Baby King.

 Ed and I talked about it and decided we would talk to the children and kindly, explain it to them. They played with Vinay's daughter daily and knew their family well. We wanted to know what they thought about this. Our faith was a lived, daily thing and these kids knew it. We wanted their opinion.

Anyway, the next morning, I had to pretend to have fun and I did well even as deflated as I felt. When it was all done and paper was everywhere and they were calmer we told them what happened. No guilt on them, no, none of that. Their eyes though were wide open too, like mine were the night before. I don't even know now who's idea it was but the whole family came up with the idea that Baby Jesus got three gifts on His first Christmas, gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Why should they get more than He?

That's how we came to the Tradition in our home and it has stuck ever since. They get gifts from grandparents, friends, etc. They do not need more than 3 from us. We love our tradition and it has so much meaning because of Christ and His revelation to us even if the origin looked and was so terribly selfish. It was a very good lesson learned and it will be passed down for generations I hope. I hope it is also passed down that we were not spoiling our children those years ago, but that we just let it get out of control because we loved them and that's just what was done at the time where we lived and the families we lived in. We weren't paying attention. The lesson learned though is more valuable than anything we could ever purchase and the fun is that 

the story is told over and over and that is a Tradition in itself. 

~Blessings~

Lisa

This Mom Just Won't Quit part 1

This is not my title but one I read this morning. 

Home Schooling With A Limp

I say part 1 because this one is one will be having to do with school the next will be adjusting to not being perfect in life in general. A bit harder and raw.

It is one though that I know well and one I that means a great deal to me because I have beat myself up many a time. I have multiple health issues and have finally learned over the years to live with them after having been a 100 MPH gal.

Just last night a wrote an email to one of my daughter-in laws-to-be asking for ohhhhh probably 8 things I needed help with today. Good Gracious that would NEVER have happened 10 years ago. That would have been screaming defeat in my homeschool world and that would have been unacceptable. 

I was Super Woman you see...oh I knew God, I had great Faith and used it daily but I didn't NEED help....not really. I could do everything, I had the ability to do everything, I had the desire to do everything. God allowed me to go on my merry way thinking it was me, me, me all the way......

When I could no longer do everything and 100 MPH turned into a school zone of 25 MPH, and everything was now in slow motion, my sense of self was upside down. I had always believed that every person's worth was from God and just being born a child of God made them infinitely worthy.  But I now didn't feel that way about myself because I felt useless not doing anything or getting anything done. I then realized my worth had depended on what I was getting done not who I was......very dangerous indeed.  It was really a crisis of faith and a deep disappointment in myself as a Christian. A heavenly 2 x 4 had smacked me right on the head you might say.

I now saw in real time the value of those who were very sick, paralyzed, in rest homes, dying. It was a whole new world. To talk about it was one thing. To teach my children about the charity of loving those folks was one thing. To BE one of them....oh boy...THAT was a whole new ball game.

But today I write about homeschooling, running a home and having an illness or chronic physical problem.

I learned to let things go. I learned everything could not be perfect. I learned to combine subjects like history and literature. I read horizontally and we watched many documentaries and had discussions. I bought math programs that corrected themselves. Our schooling took on another dimension of togetherness it had not had before. It was different. At first it felt D-fficient because it wasn't as E-fficient. But I finally figured out it wasn't...it was just different and it was what God had planned and nothing I could have done would have changed this course. 

But what was wonderful...what IS wonderful is this next set of kids of my 8 gets MUCH more of my time because I cannot be running around like a crazy woman anymore. They have more attention, more of ME. The first 4 had my creativity and energy and youth but I was so BUSY. They had a different Mom. These last 4 have a very different Mom and it's finally okay. 

The first kids had all their food from scratch, nothing was from a box, everything was old fashioned and with a deliberateness I had missed as a child of divorced parents. I was living my vocation with everything I had and I loved it. Was it hard? Yup, but I treasured it and I was exhausted each day, falling into bed late and waking up to do it all over again. I depended on the Saints to keep me going and daily Mass and older Moms to bolster me up when dishes and toddlers and laundry threatened to drown me. I had had twins by this time you see and about 28 loads of laundry a week! But still I was happy because I knew I was doing what I was called to do. 

Then the cards fell and after many diagnosis' and surgeries (not only for myself but for many of the kids) I had to evaluate not trying to be perfect anymore. Imperfection was glaring me in the face. Not being what others needed me to be was crippling for me.

For the first time I made muffins and brownies out of a BOX....gasp.  

I used paper plates.....oh my GOSH. 

I scheduled days of the week where different kids made their specialty dinner.

I had older kids correcting their own work for some subjects.
I quit my homeschool group...there was no energy for it.

The kids always had chores but each took on more now.....mine...guilt.
I turned down invitations to many things.
My husband had to do the field trip type things and many of the errands after his full day's work

So many things changed.

And guess what...nothing terrible happened !

I had some adjusting in my Norman Rockwell mind and frankly it's ongoing and I still do. There are days I still grieve for the old days but God changed it all and it isn't up to me to know better than He. I feel blessed to have accomplished it at all having grown up a latch-key kid with one great parent. 

Guess what else happened?

My already imperfect, great kids became even more awesome....they can all cook, clean, and do everything I could do before I became sick because they HAD TO.  God is awesome....guess that's why He runs the world and I do not....OHHHH that's why.  Sometimes Mom's don't get around to teaching the kids things not because we don't want to but because we don't think of it. This mess I was in forced them into learning everything quickly because of necessity and because they loved me and saw suffering, they literally never complained. I'm not exaggerating, never. They learned to serve without complaint.....

How could I have ever really taught that ??  They learned it through love.

Back again to school.... Things would fall behind on my end but the kids kept going. Instead of always written tests we would have verbal ones so I would know where they were and know they had mastered the material. I combined subjects for the three younger boys and just had the older one do harder assignments. They could do the same subject matter and it made planning much easier.

When I test them with the standardized testing as is law here in my state...miraculously they are above grade level...what the heck....how did THAT happen when I am imperfect and things are not what they are supposed to be here in a perfect world? When I am not running the world?

 I suppose as the old saying goes,"There is more than one way to skin a cat".

We still use paper plates sometimes. Our lives will never go back to what they were pre-illness but I have times when I can do more so I do whip up things from scratch again and I love it. Those days are wonderful and I cherish them. When they whip my behind at the end of the day, I do not get mad or feel defeated anymore. I am profoundly thankful now because I know what it is not to be able to do those things for months on end. I remember doing dishes for the first time in months and being so happy and thankful just to stand at my kitchen sink and look out the window, then to load the dishwasher. It was so awesome. I never take it for granted anymore....ever.

Sometimes I do the kids' chores for them and they try to stop me. I tell them I like to give them a break when I'm able. They appreciate it so much and they don't like to see me work, but it feels wonderful and is such a blessing. It's why it's hard to see people complaining about working. Resting is not at all what it's cracked up to be folks :)

~Blessings~
Lisa

Changing the World Through Your Daily Duty

Think about your daily duty. Do you know what it is or has something else taken it's place?Are you happy? Do you feel a sense of peace and joy? Do you feel you are doing what you are meant to do?  This is not necessarily what you want to do but what you should be doing from the gut....not the same thing....at first. Until acceptance takes over. The world may be telling you one thing and your gut may be saying something totally different and you may not even understand and you may feel confused. Have you ever had that happen?
Listen to it ......the gut.

Daily Duty you ask? What's that?

I don't know if that's just a Catholic term or not but since I am a Catholic girl that's where I learned it. Daily duty is our daily vocation from God, what we DO each day that forms the rhythm of our life. I am a wife and mother so my primary daily duty is the care of my husband and family and all that goes with that. That is where I find my joy, peace and where I work out my salvation in this life. It isn't the only realm in which I do these things but it is the primary realm.

One of the things that sticks out in my mind regarding this and how simple yet big it is, is when I think of Mother Teresa. She had a call. Her call was not to pick up and care for thousands of dying people in the streets of Calcutta and then all over the world. It was to pick up one on that first day....and every day thereafter.

 It was doing her daily duty each day, one day at a time. 

This is how lives are changed. 

This is how families are changed.

This is how the world is changed.

It is my thought that people don't like the ordinariness of daily duty anymore. The mundane thought of daily duty over and over is just too boring. Years ago a week of work or chores took on a rhythm that played out over and over and over. This repetition had a security, a familiarity that was lovely. It is in the mundane, in simplicity that God can show us a person or situation that may need us or our attention and skills. In this God also shows us Himself.

Our work is where we interact with people, have challenges, meet goals, press ourselves to do more, be more. Hopefully push ourselves to be our best. I always hope, because I am a mother, that Moms out there consider their job a career because it is. We form the hearts and minds of our children. The future citizens of this country and of heaven. This is a high calling. In whatever work you do, be it at home or place of business or on a roof or underground, you are called to do your best whether you like your job or not. It isn't what you do it is how you do it.

There is a wonderful encyclical "On Human Work" written by Pope John Paul II that is fantastic.  He was a worker. That man worked his tail off and was the working man's pope. Working is a GOOD thing people....it is NOT something to get out of, not something to escape from, not something to look forward to getting away from constantly. This is the wrong attitude and it is so prevalent now. We have a society obsessed with playing 24 hours a day.

Playing is NOT a vocation, not a daily duty. This is a large part of the general unhappiness of our times.  Playing is a part of the daily rhythm of life, but it should not hold the importance it does in the times in which we live. It is rather silly.

When people walk around bemoaning that they cannot "find themselves" it is can often be  because they do not generally work hard at doing their daily duty. They muddle through, try to get it over with in order to get to the real business of playing. In working hard and well there are abundant opportunities to serve others which can lead one into seeing a path to something real and important. This is how God works.  He doesn't just drop notes out of the sky on what to do next in your life.  I wish!  He will present ways in which you can change people's lives or your own for the better in any number of ways. It is in our daily duty that God opens doors and shows us our path.

It is in our daily duty that we do good for others. When we are not endlessly entertaining ourselves we see the nuances in life, we see others in need. In fact today I had a batch of children at the grocery store (part of our daily duty) and we came across several elderly people in wheelchairs or scooters who needed help. Since I too was in a wheelchair this presented several teaching moments for me, kind, charitable moments for the kids and thankful moments for these old folks who many times are invisible in this fast paced, technological world. The kids helped them reach things and pick up products. I chatted with each of them for quite a while and we discussed several things, lamenting signs of the times and parting with a smile and a "Well, I guess we solved some of the problems of the world!" It was lovely. It could have been 1950, or 1850.  We connected because we were not on phones, we were not in a hurry and we recognized that in our daily duty God uses us for others. This has been a theme in our family since our children were little. It is part of our Catholic faith.

We have tried to teach our children it is in the small things in our daily duty that we change the world. St Therese is one of the most popular saints in the church because she says it is enough to do small things with great love because some of us cannot do great things. I am only a mommy of 8 children. I have no big, important job as an attorney in New York city, defending corporations. I am not Mother Teresa feeding thousands. I am not a clergyman bringing comfort to a church full of people. I am a nobody......but I am one person and God has given me a vocation to do something great for Him. It is my job to do whatever that job is with great love. No matter how small my job is, no matter how unimportant the world may think my job is, I am called to do it as well as I can and with the greatest amount of love I can muster....everyday.

This is daily duty.

If I do this. If I do this well. If I do this day in and day out, I will be happy, I will be joyful, I will be content. Period.

It doesn't matter how much money I make (or do not make). It doesn't matter what I wear. It doesn't matter where I live or what people think of what I do. If I do what God calls me to do I will be happy because I am fulfilling what I was born to do.

Life is short. People are important....money and stuff is not. Playing constantly is not. Working hard is a really good thing. Doing small things with great love is a really great thing and in small way I change the world.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Our Thankful Tree

I just got back from yet another surgery, this one being an emergency for my brain shunt and having to fly across country to NYC with 24 hours notice. We were able to do it so quickly because of the generous donated help of others. That's why there have been no posts. This post is important to me and I want your help to spread it around because I am feeling very blessed and thankful.

I am doing a post on just our Thankful Tree today because in the past it has been intertwined with my Fall posts. I think it's so special that I want it to stand on it's own. Everyone who comes into the house always comments on it or wants to join in so I really want to get the Tradition out there. It is so darn simple, inexpensive and a really special gift to give others.  

Because I think we are living in a time where the spirit or even habit of being thankful is a bit lacking, I am going to try and spread this all over the web and I hope you do too. I really am convinced being thankful, grateful, seeing things as a gift is one of the keys to happiness, so please share this in whatever way you can. Here goes....

1.  I get one of those Dollar Tree clear vases that has a bottom heavy base.

2. Also at the Dollar Tree or any craft store I get 2 bags of those nice little glass or real rocks.  You can make this as natural or fancy as you like (i.e silver painted stones or real stones)

 3.  For branches, look in your yard, take a walk and find some interesting looking ones or if you're looking for a high end look, any craft store has all kinds of branches to buy. 

  4. Snuggle as many as you think look good down into your vase filled with rocks.  Make sure the branches you get have little tiny arms coming out from the main stem so you have lots of places to hang the leaves. 

 5. Next, cut out of construction paper, yellow, red, orange and brown leaves large enough to write on.  Now punch holes in them at one end and tie a circle of gold or brown yarn. I leave a bit of tail on the ties as they look woodsy.  The kids really enjoy helping with this. 

  6.  I put a pretty bowl of blank leaves on the dining table next to the tree and a pen. 

 We invite guests to add to it too. On Thanksgiving everyone reads them. Of course no one waits until then, everyday everyone checks to see who wrote what (and in my home of 6 boys they have to give each other a hard time about what they write....I've been blessed with sons....sigh)!   Guests always go to the tree and start reading. It says a lot to see that kids and families are thankful. People just love it. It makes their day. We as a nation, a family, a couple, or as a person need to start being thankful again even if we have little or are going through hard times....there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for and this little tree reminds us of that.

Find variations of your own but MAKE ONE, you'll love it and it makes Thanksgiving and the whole month leading up to it very special.  It's also a lovely and easy gift to give especially to someone going through a rough time. Buy the few things needed which is only a couple dollars, do all the cutting and tying, get the branches in the vase and give it to a family to get started. 
Voila!



This picture does not do the tree justice and this was one of our more pitiful ones because of a hard medical year, but it really is lovely in person and you can make it beautiful!

This leaf shows one of the children who wrote Make~A~Wish! They write all of their doctor's names, their Grandparents, their favorite priests, that they have food and a house, for their Hotwheels cars, there are wonderful, warm things, funny things, crazy things. It's really fun.  I have kept every single leaf for every single year. I have them all they are priceless.

May you have a blessed and thankful November.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Entitlement

Where have we derived the idea that we as a society are entitled to something? Why as a person does someone feel entitled to something?  

Have you ever read the book The Greatest Generation? I don't think there is a single word in that book that smacks of entitlement. Where did that attitude go folks???  Where did that git-er-done spirit go?

Why do we have so many whiny, depressed, pitiful, lazy, folks these days? People who think someone owes them something? They are everywhere. Sit somewhere sometime where you can just listen to people talk and you will get an earful. I was writing a blog on having a grateful spirit, a thankful heart but this one just sort of took over after several incidents. 

I grew up in a grateful home with a mother who literally preached gratitude. Gratitude for everything no matter how small or insignificant. I heard about my grandparents and how hard they worked, about the Depression, about the ration stamps and about the happiness they had in spite of it all because they persevered. Hard work, working together, sacrificing is what made them happy. Not running away from it like many folks are apt to do today. 

Today the goal of the day seems to be gratifying oneself even at the expense of others. That after a day's work one deserves to play, one deserves to have time to relax or be alone or do whatever one wants to. This was NOT the attitude in the days past. Not at all. I realize this is not everyone but it's a trend I'm talking about....self before others. The opposite of how things were just a couple of generations ago in this wonderful country.

I sat in a state office recently and listened to people tell one another how to work "the system". It was so disheartening. 

I was in line at the grocery store and watched someone who had a state card buying groceries. I am not judging that aspect as I know that it is certainly needed by some folks especially in this bad economy. What I wonder about is everything bought was pre-packaged and ready to eat and very expensive. I have a large family and could have fed my family for a week from scratch on what those few items cost. Maybe they were not taught to cook. Maybe they were tired and over worked. But I do see this all the time. I frequently see this when I have all generic food in my cart, things I cook from scratch so I can save money because my husband works so hard and I don't want to waste his hard earned money.

I listen to people complain they don't have enough yet have smart phones, have cable, have huge car payments. These are luxuries not necessities. If you make enough money to easily have them....great!!! If you do not they are NOT necessities folks. What the average American thinks is a need is not, it's a want, a luxury. 

We are a spoiled, entitled country. We have spent enough time in NYC with families from all over the world who know real need. They know real gratitude and are amazed by our lack of it here and tell us so. One lovely little girl from Afghanistan would get into the shower 3-4 times a day because she could not believe that water actually came out of the wall! This, from the child of a pharmacist....not a peasant.  We loved it and it reminded us how fortunate we are. They were constantly grateful for every little thing.

Today I was at physical therapy with the boys. When it was my turn Scott started laughing because he could see the boys in the car fighting. He thought it was hilarious because they are pretty quiet around him even though they've known him since they were 6 yrs old after their spinal cord surgeries. He kept staring at them then looked back at me and I couldn't help the tears running down my face. He knew why. He said," It's because they can fight now huh?" I could only nod. 

Eight months ago Bobby was laying in PICU on a ventilator after 13 hours in the O.R. I was standing next to his bed, bald, with stitches from my 4th brain surgery only 2 weeks earlier. His chest was artificially going up and down with that horrible sound. Ed watched from right behind me, helpless, because I had had no time to recover and he could not help me or his son. Steven was back at Ronald McDonald House recovering from his 9 hour brain surgery the week before.  The man had no control over his own family that he loves so much. He was helpless. It was the hardest night we have spent and it got harder as Bobby crashed and all the meds had to be turned off and he woke up with the ventilator still in, staring at us, so frightened. We had to be strong and peppy and in control for that boy. He was first...not our fear, not our held back tears....not our terror. We babbled happily like idiots, trying to be cheery as he tried to write on a notepad.....
"I'm choking".
 I still have that paper with the shaky writing.

In this hardship, were we entitled to anything? Maybe comfort from the awesome nurses we have known forever and were so good to Bobby that night and our wonderful friends at Ronald McDonald House. Maybe comfort from others who suffer and understand. We cannot even afford counseling to go through the process of that night. Ed and I still cannot talk about it without tears even though we have worked through it a hundred times. We have been in peds ICU so many times we've lost count. No amount of money, no material goods, no stuff, no houses, no cars, no salons, no vacations, NOTHING can be as wonderful as those two boys fighting and wrestling and riding bikes and being ALIVE after multiple brain and spinal cord surgeries even if they are not medically perfect......

And we are thankful and grateful and we are entitled to NOTHING except our choosing to be happy. Scott knew this today because he saw them before their surgeries. He knew what they had been and the pain they had been in and will always be in. He knows they will suffer always but they have the guts and the determination to keep going because we have trained them since they were little to suffer well and not to take prisoners. Things happen in life to make you a better person.

Is it easy?? Nope. But we hope it will serve them and others well. We have watched others take prisoners and it isn't pretty. If we do nothing else for these kids, that is what we want to accomplish. We never want them to feel entitled since they have so many disorders/ diseases. We want them to know many people suffer and theirs isn't any worse than someone else's. God has made them just the way they are and they must do the best they can with the circumstances they have been given...period. 

I hope, I wish.....I pray this could be another Greatest Generation but with the entitlement mentality going around it ain't lookin' pretty.  It's funny how when we have a natural disaster and folks don't have their "stuff" everyone seems to get nicer and helpful. The pretenses fall away, the competition with the Joneses is not quite so important. This happens too in the hospital when we're there. That is one of the blessings of a medical life.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Suffering...Grab the Red Cape

You know, suffering is one of those things you will just not escape from.  You can certainly try hard. Americans are masters at trying to escape from anything hard, anything painful. Just check the rate at which anti-depressants are taken. (This is not to negate those who need them for true bio-chemical needs) Then check the rates of alcoholism and drug abuse.

Why the title Grab the Red Cape? Because charging towards your suffering like a bull will often alleviate it and if it is more minor take it away all together. It may take some time and work, but facing pain and suffering will make you an awesome human being. If it is physical it can bring you freedom from resentment and keep you in the game of life. If the pain and suffering is not physical in nature it can actually put it behind you forever!  This is freedom.

If you do not...it will not be pretty. Not for you or anyone around you. You can hide it, you can stuff it way down deep, but it will stay there and rot and fester. It will pop up when you least expect it and in ways you do not recognize.

It must be dealt with and embraced. Suffering is okay....really.

Believe or not I have a right to say this. My family and I have some experience here, some serious down and dirty suffering. Twelve brain surgeries on 7 of us in 6 years. Seven spinal cord surgeries in that same time frame and throw in multiple other surgeries we call minor but that's only in our world compared to brain and spine. It's easily been 40 surgeries. We've spent months in ICU and collectively 2 years across country away from our home for medical reasons leaving children and family. It's been tough.

We have watched children suffer in many different ways.....you parents out there know how many ways your heart can be torn apart. My husband and children have watched me suffer and continue to do so.  This could turn into a book if I write about my family alone. I just wanted to give some credibility to my knowledge of, battle with and overcoming (most of the time) of pain. This is not a silly, flippant blog post. I care, have knowledge of and want to help in the realm of suffering.

I once was on retreat with a wonderful priest who said something so interesting. He said this country is one of the few where when asked ,"How are you?" we respond ,"Fine" whether we are or not. The question isn't really a question. It's a nicety, a greeting. We rarely share what is real.

We seem to feel that suffering is, in some way, a failure. That suffering is going to make us a lesser person or permanently scar us somehow.  It doesn't have to.

Another pathology that is deadly to the soul and mind is the need to somehow retaliate for suffering, to make whomever caused suffering pay....and pay big if possible. We feel something is owed to us if the suffering was caused by another human being or corporation or even God.

I beg to differ on all accounts.

I am certainly glad I do not say this in person or I  might get hurt.

Cases in point....

1. I have watched parents go after physicians because their child came out better after surgery but didn't come out perfect when they knew this was a possibility (especially in neurosurgery) and no mistakes were made. They wanted perfection and there is no perfection on this earth.

2. We had a landlord once who lost a beloved husband early on. She was so angry at God that this shaped the rest of her life and she aimed that anger and resentment at everyone. That one incident of suffering (a terrible one of course)...that one shoving down of anger and hurt at God re-shaped her whole personality. We met her years after the incident and it was not pretty. She actually would tell us why her life was ruined and point to the day and time God took her husband and how he had ruined her life and that it was all his fault. Sad.

3.I have seen and experienced law suits over accidents multiple times. If there is no intent then it is just an accident.  We were hit and our car was totaled on the way home from Children's Hospital. I had children in the car who had multiple spinal cord and brain surgeries as did I. Her insurance company hounded us about what we were going to do. It was so shocking to me, then it dawned on Ed and I because of an unjust lawsuit against us, that they expected us to go after her. Finally they handed it off to a big wig at the company (who ended up a lovely gal) who actually came to our home and told us we could easily get $500,000.00 or more without going to court because of the rare diseases/disorders the kids and I have and the nature of the accident. Geez!  I asked them again, like I did the day of the accident, if there was anything illegal she had done that day....

 She was not drunk
She was not texting
She was not on her phone
It was bad weather
It was just getting dark
It was terrible traffic
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

She did not wake up that morning intending on hurting me or my children. We told them it would be morally wrong for us to demand money for an ACCIDENT and we did not.

To us lawsuits are for bad intent or broken laws such as drunk driving or texting while driving or in the case of a physician, operating while under the influence or without a license. The other types of lawsuits cause more suffering and they alleviate nothing. The money gained will not help suffering at all it only lengthens it's stay and thickens the resentments. I have watched it in friends pursuing lawsuits that went on for years. Yes, they received a tidy sum but no amount of cash can be worth that garbage in your soul.

Have you ever met someone who has suffered a lot and done it well? Have you ever read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom?  Wonderful book. She was a Holocaust survivor who forgave completely.  She found many blessings in a situation that would seem to have none. There are many people who suffered in history like her, who were far better for having been through the fire and came out in the end as fine, polished steel.

All the Saints suffered and could tell you that they came far closer to God through their suffering than they did through any other means. There are endless books out there of folks who have suffered. Pick one up, heck pick up ten if you suffer. You will see it can be done well....and maybe even with some style and humor! When you suffer in this way you keep and gather even more friends and family! People are drawn to those who suffer well.

When you think about the lessons you have learned in your life they are generally learned through hard knocks or sickness or death or suffering of some sort. Rarely are deeply meaningful lessons learned through fluffy life situations. They just aren't. When you take a step back and view suffering without the emotion it is a helpful tool for us. We grow tremendously through it. It is acutely uncomfortable no doubt, but if we can step back from the anger or sadness or whichever emotion is dominant we can see God working to change us.

Don't you pray for ....

Patience?

Temperance?

Kindness?

Joy?

Happiness?

Forbearance?

Wisdom?

Peace?

Be very careful what you pray for because God will give you reasons to USE those and suffering is the reason folks! You have to exercise virtues in order to be good at them and suffering fits the bill....sorry. 

If you fight against suffering, if you hate, if you want someone to pay, if you want others to suffer because you suffer, how exactly do you attain the above virtues? Yeah...it stinks.

There is a learning curve of suffering. You learn to separate the emotions and the intellect. You do feel the intense emotions of suffering but your intellect must tell you God allows this for some greater good for you or others or both. You must listen to this and it has to be the primary driving force of your actions NOT emotions.  It's learning to accept. 

The emotions are too fickle. They are acceptable, they are okay and we need to accept them as real because they are ours, but they cannot be in the driver's seat because they can be destructive. They are childlike.  They want to throw sand in the sandbox of life. The intellect has to drive the spiritual and intellectual bus and our minds and conscience should be well formed.  This tells us we forgive, we accept suffering as a gift from God, we use it and go on without fanfare, without complaining and without compensation, be that a pat on the back, an apology or cash.

God knows and the rewards are later in Heaven. We should use our suffering to serve others. And this red cape business again? Yeah, we must learn in some way or other to walk towards our fears and anger or hurt like a bull charging that red cape. Running away always makes things much worse always. The emotions fester, multiply and get uglier.

If we stuff suffering down deep we cannot get rid of the emotions that come with it. If suffering comes in the form of old hurts we may need to work on forgiving. If it is conflict we may have to write a letter or have a conversation as hard as that may be. If it is being walked on or abused by others, maybe some boundaries are in order. If we are doing the walking or abusing we may need to learn some self control. Find someone who is healthy to help you find the ways to do this.

I realize it is easy to write that paragraph and it is not easy at all to carry any one of those out. Any one of those can provoke intense anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. Even if you pick just one and work on  thinking about it then maybe making a plan of action or talking to a friend or counselor about how to do it, I guarantee some of your emotions will be defused. Taking any sort of positive action at all will always take the air out of a balloon of emotional garbage....always.

Action towards the good is so helpful. Action towards the negative just perpetuates the negative and you stay in the garbage. Period.

Do a comparison. Have you ever known someone who suffers well? Who smiles and laughs despite difficult circumstances? I know many of those kinds of folks and they are amazing. We have spent a great deal of time with families who suffer daily and will continue to for a lifetime....with no end. They inspire me. Now, do you know those who are bitter, complaining and feel they are entitled to something because they suffer?  Oh boy....they make you want to RUN.  You tune them out because they have nothing to give....they take.  They feel justified in their pain and suffering.

Letting go helps you.....hanging on hurts you...period.  Even if you feel justified. Even if you feel you are in the right. Looking good in your justification and pride gets you where?  For how long? Until the next drama?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want to be at peace?

Have you ever looked at a crucifix?

'Nough said.

This is not real life. This is the waiting room for Eternal Life where there is no suffering. Suffering is preparing us for the Party folks. It prepares us to shine. It prepares us to do good for others and put them before ourselves if we can endure and be kind and smile (even when it hurts, even when it's hard). It refines us, rounds our sharp corners. It slows us down, helps take the scales from our eyes if we allow it.  Run towards it, do not hide. You will be a better person if you face it squarely and head on. Get out from under the covers.  It really is a skill, you can get good at.

Suffering is okay. Really.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Fall.....Again!

I absolutely, positively love Fall so am I reposting last year's post including some new pictures......

  We love Fall at our house. I have to admit I go waaaay overboard having grown up on the coast of Northern California where the weather is the same 365 days a year.  When we still lived there I had to create the seasons inside and outside our home with decorations. You'd think I would have let up a bit once we moved to beautiful Washington State where there are definitely 4 seasons but I just couldn't let it go. 
I think I need therapy.





 I have passed my weirdness down to my children who on August 31st asked if they could get the Fall boxes down from the barn attic. It didn't take me long to cheerfully say, "Okay go git 'em!!"  So, on September 1st the festivities began. The mantle is always first then the kitchen with our wonderful pumpkin bowls I got at Michael's for a nifty $1.00 each!  They are so, so cute. There's the oh-so-orange pumpkin cookie jar and the orange cereal bowls too. I then hang my fall themed towels on the stove, put the runner I made down the length of the dining table, which at our house is no small length.  Next is the kitchen window sill. Amongst the various things that sit there, there are two Fall miniature bread crocks always filled with that NASTY Brach's candy corn and Fall mix.  I'm sorry, but that stuff is just plain wax. Candle wax I tell you, and my family loves it. Especially the husband. This is his big treat of the year :)  There is much more decorating but we don't want pages and pages of this right?

  Outside we go berserk and have wreaths, a gazillion pumpkins that have to be just the right shapes; tall and skinny, flat and squatty, perfectly round, the triangle, and the lumpy one. The gold, rust, burgundy and yellow chrysanthemums, and those cute little gourds and pumpkins sit all over the front walkway and flower beds. And cornstalks...oh the cornstalks...I love them. Gosh, I just LOVE Fall, did I mention that?

  Come October we add some Halloween decorations and of course costumes and Trick-or-Treating! This year we had a Duplo, a baseball player and a Pez dispenser! Pretty ingenious eh? The boys made their costumes from scratch and they were awesome. It's so funny to me to only have 3 that Trick-or-Treat. It wasn't long ago that getting 8 kids ready was an all afternoon event. Anyway, the boys made a haul in our neighborhood plus their Nonni always sends more candy money.....oh boy!

   On Nov. 1st, All Saints Day if you're Catholic, we start putting together the Thankful Tree.  I cannot remember where I first saw it or how many years we've been doing it but it's such a great tradition.  It is branches with home made leaves hanging from them. Each leaf has what everyone in the family is thankful for written on them. The kids think of some of the funniest things. The one I always remember is "That my Dad is a pushover".  My husband is always mistakenly thought of as "scary" when folks meet him. Why I do not know. Perhaps it's his size...he's well over 6 feet and very broad shouldered. In other words BIG (but not fat) which is one of things I love about him. He's big and safe and won't let anything happen to me or our family. After folks talk to him a bit they realize he's a big Teddy Bear and his family can get him to do anything. Hence "pushover".  He has a lot of bark and no bite whatsoever. I got off topic talking about my lovely husband.

Our Thankful Tree

   Okay now the tree!! I get one of those Dollar Tree clear vases that has a bottom heavy base. I also get 2 bags of those nice little glass or real rocks.  For branches, look in your yard, take a walk and find some interesting looking ones or if you're looking for a high end look, Michael's or any craft store has all kinds of branches to buy.  Snuggle as many as you think look good down into your vase filled with rocks.  Make sure the branches you get have little tiny arms coming out from the main stem so you have lots of places to hang the leaves.  Next, cut out of construction paper, yellow, red, orange and brown leaves large enough to write on.  Now punch holes in them at one end and tie a circle of gold or brown yarn. I leave a bit of tail on the ties as they look woodsy.  The kids really enjoy helping with this. 

   I put a pretty bowl of blank leaves on the dining table next to the tree and a pen.  We invite guests to add to it too. On Thanksgiving everyone reads them, even though everyone checks everyday to see who wrote what!  Find variations of your own but MAKE ONE, you'll love it and it makes Thanksgiving very special.  It's also a lovely and easy gift to give. Buy the few things needed, do all the cutting and tying, get the branches in the vase and give it to a family to get started. 
Voila!



This picture does not do the tree justice, it really is lovely in person.



     In this photo we didn't have the gold or brown yarn so a light yellow was used...yuk.

     The other great happenings are the 2 birthdays we have in October. On mine we go to Schilter Family Farm (www.schilterfamilyfarm.com) and pick pumpkins, go on a hay ride and do all those fun Fall things that make memories. I take a ton of pictures and the kids get very tired of me and my camera.  The next birthday is our son Mike and he has always wanted the same cake even though he's a great big boy now at 6'2" !

 It's cute and easy.

    Please pretend you don't see the pink candles for this boy's cake. Sometimes things just don't go right you know?  The characters are colored and cut out of a coloring book and laminated. Then we tape a Popsicle stick on the back and plop them into the cake. We've had these same ones for many years and just wipe them off  and pull off the sticks. The pumpkins are of course the Brach's Fall Mix or plain pumpkins. I normally

pipe green vines around the patch but I must have been rushed this year.

   That is my Fall blog for this year. Traditions, traditions, traditions. Hey isn't that from Fiddler on the Roof?

~Blessings~

Lisa

Standing Out.....by Katheryn Cordes

We get a lot of attention when we are out in public. Not an outing goes by without at least one comment on our family. I know we are visually striking: Caucasian parents, three African American kids ages 4 and under. I'm sure my kids being stinkin' cute doesn't help matters either . . . or maybe its the fact that they like to be heard as well as seen. What ever it is, we stand out. 

Growing up as the eldest of 12, I am no stranger to comments. My mom was consistently asked....

"Are they all yours???" 

"Are you done yet?"

and

 "Are you going to have MORE??" 

My mom always answered charitably and kindly, and because of that, it never bothered me. I was proud of my many siblings. Even though we only have three kids so far, I get my fill of comments too. I get all the adoption classics and then some:

 "Are you their real parents?" 

"Where did you get them from?" 

"Are they sisters?" 

"No, but are they REAL sisters?" 

"Did they cost a lot of money?" 

"What happened to her real mom?" 

"Are they adopted?" 

"Do you put makeup on their skin to make it dark?"

 Or my personal-not-so-favorite, "Is he (pointing secretly to Matt with a knowing look) the dad?" 

People are curious.
They want to make sense of an image that does not make sense.
Getting these comments didn't bother me when the kids were younger. I knew people meant well and offensive comments were usually just made out of ignorance. I am having a harder time with it now that my girls are getting older and are very aware of the comments we get.

The children of course know that they are adopted. We have talked about it openly from day one. But when their adoption and differences from us is the one thing pointed out over and over everywhere we go, it bothers me because I do not want that to be the thing they define themselves by. 

Yes, they were adopted.

 It is an important part of them that we honor and hold dear. 

But that is not all they are.

 Take my gorgeous son. Yes, he is adopted. Yes, he has very dark skin. Yes, you cannot believe he is from Michigan because he looks so ethnic he just MUST be from Ethiopia. 

But my son is also....

 curious

 charming

 intelligent

 a chatterbox

 with big opinions that

 he loves expressing

 and the biggest sweetheart who loves kissing his Momma. My children are so much more than where they came from. 

The most interesting thing about them is not the circumstances of their birth. 

I have come to realize that while I can't control the comments people make in front of my kids, I can control the response I give. My kids will watch me smile and beam with pride. They will see that I am comfortable with our differences and talking about them. They will hear me affirm that I am their real mom, that they are sisters, that we are their parents, that we love them and are blessed by them. They will hear that I find fulfillment in being their mom and that there is no where else I would rather be. That will mean so much more to them than what a stranger notices. 

The other day I realized that maybe there is more to this adoption curiosity than meets the eye. Maybe adoption is more tied to integral identity than I had realized. No, my children do not get their identity from the fact that they were adopted by us. But they do get it from the fact that they were adopted by God, just like you and me. God is their Father, and that is their beginning, end, and daily middle. That is where they will find the heart of their significance, their purpose and the sum of who they are. Who their biological parents are is a part of that. Who their adoptive parents are is a part of that. But who their Father is - IS that.

Now that is an image that does not make sense. That the Creator of the world would seek us, choose us, want us to be His sons and daughters. 

That stands out.

Katheryn Cordes is a guest blogger and has written here before. She is the stay~at~home mother of 3 beautiful children and wife of Matthew Cordes. Katheryn is a graduate of Thomas Aquinas College in California and is an accomplished artist in Iconography.

People Are More Important Than Things

I realize I am an old girl in a new world but ya know what????

Put the @#!*% phones down, there are humans in front of you....RECOGNIZE THEM.

 As often happens when I read one of my favorite blogs, my brain zooms into action on a topic that fires me up and boy is this one of them. PHONES....grrrrrrr.

Yes, it is partially because I am an old gal and partially because I am the mother of 8.

 This topic really gets to me because a am a big time people person and I love to connect. Try walking down the street or in a grocery store now.....too funny...or not. Actually I had a better observation picking up my lovely daughter from college. I was sitting in the car waiting for her and I watched as human after human literally missed smacking into a pole by millimeters as they stared blankly at their phones. Not one, EVER looked up to acknowledge another planet dweller. No smiles. No goofy guy nods. No sweet girl smiles. No males or females even looking for each other!  NOTHING...not one among many, many students.


Our daughter, too, is super people oriented and had been ready to whip the world beginning Running Start at the local Community College as a high school senior. She wanted to meet everyone there as she has spent the last years of her life in hospitals, doctor's offices, infusion centers, labs....well you get the gist. She is well spoken, mature.....ready to take on life.  She came home rather deflated telling us they were like robots attached to these phones in class and out. This, coming from a then 17 year old not an old lady like myself.

 My day waiting for her confirmed her tale.

This is hard for me as an extrovert. This short video below shows it perfectly. She sees how no one is wholly present to her. I find myself backing away now from those who do this, as my time is more valuable than those who want to divide my time with a technological instrument.

 Not just my time, But I am more valuable than this. I have taken the time to spend with you. 

 YOU, because you are important and valuable to me. I have better things to do than sit while you pull out an inanimate object.

Please take the short 2 minutes to watch this. It's good. She is fully present in her life....they are busy "catching" or "checking" it as it goes by.....

Being present is so, so important. Especially as fast as life is on this planet now.

I recognize no one wants the "phones are so terrible" speech. My goal is the "humans are infinitely important" emphasis. Recognize if even for an afternoon how often the phone takes you from the face or ears of a human. Any human even if they are not important to you. Maybe you are important to them and you may not know it. There are things I guarantee you are missing. Connections you are meant to have that you are not having. Moments that have gone.....looks that have passed you by because you're checking something "real quick".

God works in a moment.

People relay pain or messages or feelings sometimes in a brief look or body posture......you will miss it glancing at that THING.  You will miss the nuances of life. In some ways it's what we're missing right now in our culture...the little things.

Definition of Nuance:

1: a subtle distinction or variation

2: a subtle quality : nicety

3:sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings (as of meaning, feeling, or value)

a subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound.

"the nuances of facial expression and body language"

synonyms:

fine distinction, subtle difference;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The big things in life get our attention but it's the nuances that shape our life, shape a sentence, shape a day, shape an opinion, shape a mood, so many things. We are missing these nuances because of the glances...... the constant glancing over,  glancing down at those @#!*% phones.  Because a nuance is subtle. Subtle is soft, quick, small, you must be paying attention.  Hear that?

 You must be paying attention.

 Where is everyone's attention? Spend 15 minutes on a bench somewhere.

Maybe just spend 5 minutes less a day checking the phone. Maybe stash it away when the person you love most is talking to you, or the children you love most are telling you about their day. Instead of it being stuck to your palm, maybe put it in a in a drawer for an hour. Or turn off the sound all together??

 Anything is better and better is always good. Not perfect, better.

 People are always more important than things. Ask my kids. They can give you the old eye roll on that. They've heard it since they could walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, people are more important than things mom. It does however work in reverse guys....I have said it many times when I got the call.....

 "Mom...pause....I'm okay ,but....I just had an accident". My first words go something like..."It's just a car, people are more important than things".

~Blessings~

Lisa