Re-Post ~ Just SAY It.....Or Not?

I have been blessed by an introverted husband and 6 introverted children out of our 8. However, this presents a challenge for a gabby girl like myself.  It literally took me years to recognize that being happy was not, as I perceived, about talking and laughing all the time.

I had a very special friend, Mary, who was herself quite introverted. She taught me well, that allowing shy children to hang onto my leg while we went to visit would ensure that they let go much sooner than if I was incessantly telling them to go play with the other children, pushing them away from me.  She was always so good at giving advice without me realizing I was being instructed.  Well, her advice worked and I learned that to let them be themselves, as different from me as that was, made them more secure, more confident and led to more good times for them.

This lesson carried over to my husband.  I learned that the very situations that exhilarated me, caused him to be acutely stressed.  People are just too fun to me. All kinds of people from all kinds of places talking about all kinds of things......yippeee.  For him that meant too much noise, too many people at one time, too much effort at trying to talk to people he didn't even know. Stress. We came to a middle ground early in our marriage with things like big events. I would go by myself or with friends since it really was just torture for him and I would spend my time worried about him or stressed that he wasn't having a good time. When we each finally accepted who we were, doing our own thing was FINE. Accepting our opposite personalities was key to being happy.

I recently read an excellent book that I recommend highly to anyone who loves an introvert. And, by the way, the word "introvert" is not necessarily the same as "shy" according to the author. The book is called Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.  It's by Susan Cain and is meticulously researched.  I learned so much about my children, my husband and all people who are not extroverts and those who are in- betweens.  It explains the strengths of introverts in a world that overly values extroverts or extrovert impostors.  Excellent read.

Here is a wonderful Ted Talk by the author regarding her book. It's wonderful.....
Susan Cain TED Talk

As to the title of this post....Just SAY It.  This is what I consistently wanted to say to the introverts in my life. However, it isn't that easy. My extroverted kids and I tend to say too much. The results many times requires an apology.  The fact that the introverts in our family cannot just spit out what they want to say when they want to say it is foreign to me. I, of course, cannot even fathom this as I am a big mouth and love to talk to anyone. However, I also find myself having to apologize not infrequently (although it's less and less as I age). Sometimes my words come out so fast they bypass my intellect completely. It's lame and I hate it. Sigh......   This is not a problem for most of my family. How nice for them.

The opposite is true in our family of introverts they all tell me; at times they have much to say but do not or cannot say it. This causes problems as you might imagine. Feeling they are not heard, that their opinion is not respected, even anger as they push down what apparently needs to come out.  It takes time for them to form their thoughts and words. BUT when they do....they are almost always eloquent, thoughtful and meaningful.

However, feeling unable to say what one wants to say is frustrating.  We cope with this on a daily basis here and I try and teach my children that it is only in communication that they might hope to get what they need or want. Also to be able to convey something meaningful.  Not an easy job folks.  It's like them asking me to be totally quiet for a week...won't happen for me.

One of the most amazing things that happens every time we have a houseful of people is after everyone leaves, our introverts who appear to have not had a very good time AT ALL, will be able to tell you about all the conversations that were going on between everyone for the whole darn day!!  They can give you the run down on everyone, their emotional state, their ups, downs, etc.  It is seriously amazing! They ALL have this ability. They have radar. They really are people people just not directly.  Very interesting.

  

Another difference in the two can be seen in decision making actions that are carried out. (I hate to generalize because there are certainly those who have mixed personalities and of course better or worse work practices.)  Many extroverts can be quite impulsive, quick, prideful. Decisions come fast and are made without forethought or consultation with others. On the other hand an introvert will ponder, think over all sides, ask other's opinions and wait until the decision has been weighed carefully before handing over an answer.  You can easily see in this situation the value of an introvert in the work setting.

There is a large percentage of Fortune 500 companies run by introverts because of their ability to delegate. They are able to be calm, quiet and watchful and see who can handle what in which situation and this is key in a successful company. That whole charismatic, big smile, big personality CEO thing is not necessary to run a successful corporation, store, family, or anything else. This is a societal lie. It is perpetuated in pre-schools, schools, camps, universities.  It is forming the self esteem of children and it isn't good.

 If a child wants to sit in a corner with a good book, this is just as valuable as the child who wants to hit a baseball out in the ballfield with the loud screaming kids. BOTH are okay.

Introverts have many qualities that were highly valued in the 19th century. This book tells the unfortunate story of how 20th century society made introversion a pathology. It is terrible really. But, the book also gives great hope and understanding regarding this personality type and it is well worth the time to read it. If you love someone who is an introvert it will give you GREAT insight into how they think, what gives them energy, pleasure, stress and the riches inside those quiet exteriors.

~Blessings~

Lisa

An article by Susan Cain the Author of the book mentioned above.