A Thankful Hair Day

This is a silly reason for a thankful day but it led to many other "thankfuls" as I played in the mirror.

I have had 3 brain surgeries in 9 months. I have had hair that at best looks like the back end of a raccoon. I mean it has not been good folks. Well today my super fun friend Gayle and I are going to breakfast and on a whim as I was drying my hair, I pulled out a brush and tried to sort of roll under the bottom (which is maybe 1 1/2 inches long by now) which couldn't possibly roll under. 

But you know what?  It sort of.....rolled under....sort of and the rest sort of layed down.....and behaved!! 

 I sort of....have a hair style like a bob!!! 

I sort of....look like a girl!!!   

I am so happy!!  Yay me!

I ran and woke up the girls in my house and they were thrilled. Then I showed my twin 12 year olds and they pretended to be thrilled because they love me. I then dialed my husband and being so excited, scared him to death and he just wants to kill me because he thought I was dying or something. Ooops.

I can't wait to show Gayle when she shows up. I mean I am actually as cute as I can get at this point (which is not anything resembling cute but I don't care I have a style) !

I am seriously sick of having clippers anywhere near my head. After these surgeries I thought I was in the clear but nooo. I have had a few shunt malfunctions so they just shave a hole where the shunt is to do nuclear testing on it. Really??? Yeah, a nice hole on the side of my head. Grrrrr. So my nice husband fiddles with my hair to cover this up. He loves me that way.

So Oh Happy Day.  I have stumbled upon a style......

~Blessings~

Lisa

A Wedding Dress......Scary!

I don't know if you know this but you can put an expensive, fancy, older wedding dress in a washing machine! Holy cow!

Oh my gosh can you believe it?  I think my Mom is going to have a stroke when I tell her. Mom is the garment guru of the world. I was going to consult her when I began this process but she and Dad were in the middle of moving and I didn't want to bug her so I was brave. Oh my gosh I conquered it!

From the beginning. When I was getting married way back when, the dress I really loved was very expensive. I tried it on a hundred times but put my chin up like a good little soldier and my sister-in-law to be and I set out to find another beautiful dress just as wonderful but not so expensive. We found one almost as wonderful, totally different in style but quite lovely and for a great price so I bought it on the spot. I wanted it a bit more sparkly so did some beading and sequins and it was so pretty and I was happy.

Well, my Prince Charming in the mean time had gone to the original store and bought the first dress for me......sigh. I love that man. It was so stinkin' beautiful. He didn't know about the second dress.  Neither could be taken back. That was 1984.

Now, here we are in 2013 and our daughter-in-law-to-be is going to wear the second dress I never wore! Isn't that awesome?? Well, I thought it was safe all this time in a garment bag.....

NOPE. 

It was horribly yellowed and the lace was even BROWN. I couldn't believe it when we opened it. I thought it was ruined until I started researching it on the internet. I found out that because it was not stained from food or body stains and that  the discoloration was from the acidity of garment bag I had a chance of restoring it.  This picture was taken by my daughter to show a friend. I wish I had thought to take one that really showed the discoloration. It was terrible. That dress had been snow white.

I went to multiple dry cleaners around town and all of their reactions were bad. They shook their heads and said,"No way, it's ruined". I was not discouraged.

My first attempt from all my all reading was to soak it in BIZ the non- chlorine bleach soak product. I have used this for more than 25 years for kids stains and it is awesome and works well on  delicates too. I dissolved it in the tub in room temp. water. I submerged the gown but strangely, after about 1 minute a super strong ammonia odor appeared. It was awful and I was worried. Actually I was alarmed! BIZ has no ammonia in it and I could think of no evidence chemically why this was happening. I was concerned it was damaging the fibers of the fabric so I quickly got it out. 

I read several accounts of folks actually putting gowns in the washer on the super delicate cycle as long as they were not silk. I thought, "What the heck, it's in such bad shape from the acidity, all the dry cleaners I consulted told me no way, so what harm is there in trying??"

I took a Q-Tip with very diluted bleach and on the underside of the bodice lace, dabbed it on the brown part. It instantly turned snow white!! Good sign. So I put a very small amount of bleach in the washer. I ran the load and rinsed it a few times worried the gown would come out in shreds. 

It came out BEAUTIFUL!!!

It didn't damage it at all!! Let me tell you I prayed hard. I really wanted her to be able to wear that dress and she just loves it so the prayers were heard!  She's going to change it a bit taking off the sleeves and some other small changes. We have a seamstress who is going to do a bit of this and that and make it perfect for her. I am busy this evening putting more sequins and beads on it so it is just lovely. The day is going to be wonderful.  Whew!

~Blessings~

Lisa

But, But....You're so Pretty.....

I write that title with tongue in cheek totally!  

I am NOT little miss pretty at all but you'll see why I wrote it shortly and why it is so funny.

A few years ago, well quite a few years ago because I am getting old, we lost our last baby. We have lost 8. Yes, 8 precious souls in miscarriage. I had pituitary issues along with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome that went un-diagnosed for many years leading to hormone problems. Thankfully, we also had 8 healthy babies!  

After we lost Emmaline we were at the funeral home picking out a headstone. They were so gracious and donated a plot as they do for all babies. I thought that was the nicest gesture. It is in a beautiful part of the cemetery with a large heart stone where all the babies are. As we searched the catalogues for the perfect stone we were visiting with the gal who was lovely but quite the talker. It was fine but as we talked a light bulb came on. 

She was asking us how many children we had and we told her 8. As her eyes popped out of her head (not an unusual reaction for us) she said, "You know, I have this family on my loop where I live that take a walk every day and they all sing. We call them the Von Trapp Children. They carry sticks and chase each other around and scream and yell. They're all so cute." 

I hit Ed's leg under the table and asked where she lived and she said, "Oh, in so-and-so on such-and-such street". I smiled and told her where we lived and she said those are YOUR kids??? 

BUT.....BUT....YOU'RE  SO....P...P...PRETTY!    AND.....HE's....SO HANDSOME!  

All of this with an incredulous face!  It was the most hysterical thing EVER!  For such a sad reason to be there, it made our day. It was so darn funny. This poor woman, I mean what did she expect? A toothless, insane, ratty lady with a pot-bellied old ugly guy and snotty ragged kids?  I don't know. I don't think she did either. 

We had a lovely conversation, picked our stone with a beautiful picture of Jesus and an inscription. We put all our babies' names on it because we did not get to have all of their remains when each of them died. It was a true blessing. 

The other blessing was that we got to share with this gal that there are happy families and good men. She did not know we knew who she was in our neighborhood. She had terrible challenges, terrible things that had happened to her.  There are wonderful, holy, sacrificial men out there. Men who cherish and protect women and do not hurt them.  I happen to have one. She watched him. 

This was why she was incredulous as to why we would have so many children. Why would a woman put herself at such risk? This was all over her face. She had trusted and it had not gone well. It was why she was so prying and why we were not defensive towards her. She was wounded...badly.

 I am so glad it turned out to be so funny. And we really did laugh heartily together, we were there for 3 hours that day. I still just smile so big when I think back on it. It is still a really good memory of Emmaline's passing. The gal is not in our neighborhood anymore, the many scars on her face will always be there, the husband is in prison. I hope she is doing well and is blessed with a good life.

God is so good.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Boundaries

I have had a tough week....a very tough week.  This week has been the roughest week since the three week span in which we had three brain surgeries on three of us earlier this year.

Among a long and distinguished list of diseases I already have, another was added. This is not such a huge deal but the medicines for it certainly are. They are not benign drugs. In many ways they do more harm than the disease but there is no choice so they must be taken.  I have had to set up some boundaries so I can get through the several month period of adjustment to the meds. This makes me crazy because I want to just keep going, but this old body cannot push through this. The extreme fatigue, nausea, insomnia, brain fog, balance problems, and on and on will be here awhile plus there is a new cardiology problem that won't be ignored, so I have to rearrange life to run my large family.
Boundaries.

We have our first wedding coming and it is a wonderful, joyful, happy, busy occasion but with my health, my lovely husband has put boundaries on it for me. Blah....I don't want boundaries. I want to plan and plan and plan and make lists and more lists. He knows me though, and he knows I don't have the strength or stamina to do it right now so I have to enjoy watching the kids do it. 

Boundaries.

When I was growing up my mom worked for psychologists.  I learned about boundaries on behaviour early on. They are very, very important for our well being on many levels. They help us to be safe emotionally, physically and psychologically.  They give us space to think and to act appropriately.  They keep us safe after acting. Even Scripture has many, many passages on boundaries.

It's not always easy to recognize their need and they can also be difficult to construct. If you are a person who struggles with confrontation it may be difficult for you to put boundaries on other's treatment of you. There are many books, lectures, etc out there on this subject. Pick one up. Pick up a Bible and browse through the Psalms. When you learn to use boundaries there is far more peace in your life. Even when peace is disturbed, boundaries bring it back rapidly when you act to to put them up. 

Boundaries help you organize your life

Boundaries help stay calm

Boundaries help you control anger

Boundaries can help control other's anger

Boundaries help you protect yourself from those who would harm you over and over

Boundaries help you manage your time

Boundaries help you have self control

Boundaries help you help others

Boundaries help you not to be taken advantage of

The list is endless.

We have a ridiculous legal situation going on that is taking time and brain space. It is a sad spectacle of untruths and money grabbing. People suffer in this life. Everyone will suffer at some point or for long periods. Sometimes God allows it from medical reasons, a death, sometimes from accidents. Why should one get paid many thousands for so - called "pain and suffering" for one type of suffering and not the other?? A pretty profound question don't you think?? I'd like to ask that question of the many families we have lived with at Ronald McDonald House whose children suffer daily who will NEVER be paid for their pain and suffering.  Geez.....  Don't even get me started on THAT one.
Those who get paid for pain and suffering need to learn some serious Boundaries.

My tough week I hope is almost over. I have regained my peace because of God, my boundaries and because my huge family of children and their fiance's and girlfriends and my wonderful husband have come to my emotional rescue. They have been there for the difficult physical/medical week for my meltdowns and we have also laughed like crazy. They are my knights in shining armor!

~Blessings~

Lisa

Suffering at the Hands of Family: A Personal Invitation and a Gift

This is the title of a new post on one of my favorite blogs this morning. See it Here. Very appropriate. It's a must read, please take the couple minutes to read it.

Why do familes hurt one another?  Why do we as family members treat each other in a different way then we would treat a friend? (Perhaps because a friend can walk away permanently?) Why do family members feel they have the "right" to tell another in their family how or in which manner they ought to run their lives, raise their children, conduct their business, live out their faith?  Huge subjects even without someone's judgment breathing down our back eh?

How about if you are a young adult and are being judged?  So, so damaging. What if you are a young adult who is different than your parents? Oh boy.....fireworks.  What if you are a young adult and you are different, and you are being judged and you see things VERY differently?  Now it's a real mess. Are you any less of a person who has any less dignity? Are you worth less in the family?

Why must there be this sort of conflict? The problem is as old as human beings. The solution is as old as Christ. Forgiveness, understanding, trying to walk in another's shoes. 

We are not all the same. We do not all think the same.  Outside the objectively moral realm, what is right for one is not right for another. This sounds so obvious yet we try and put our idea of what we think someone's life ought to be squarely on their shoulders with the weight of a boulder. It is unfair and unkind at the least. It is full of pride.

Think about how we can make another person miserable. It does not have to be anything big. Small jabs, little criticisms, a nasty face when our approval is sought. Withholding our approval, our kindness, our love. This is serious and cruel and it certainly achieves it's desired effect.

We do not have to love everyone as in being their best friend, but we do have to love everyone in that we should not be making them miserable and we should be ready to help if necessary. Love means wanting the best for another person, wanting them to get to heaven in the end, but "the best" is not necessarily what we think is best but what God thinks is best.....keeping our own opinions out of it.....therin lies the problem within families.

Why can a family member's decisions not be respected even if they are not our own?  If they are totally different than what we might do?  Does God not achieve His mission with all different sorts of folks?  He did create all these different kinds of people after all. Is one member so much better than another that they are always right? Silly.

Okay, even if we think our opinion is the best and most important (and it is not being followed), is that worth losing relationships over? Obviously for many, many people it is. I see this often, I have done this often...too often.

So let's get this straight (insert confused face).....being RIGHT is more important than being HAPPY?   REALLY? 

Losing the happiness and peace in a family over being right is more important than accepting someone's decisions that are different than ours?  Okay...got it. Makes sense right?   NOT.

Think about it. Pray about it. Are you the perpetrator or the one judged? Or both? 

Remember you and I will spend eternity with some of the folks who either inflict this pain on you and I or on whom we inflict this pain. Oh boy.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Peace and Schedlues

Kids like to know what's going on.

Mom's get tired of answering a million questions a day about what is happening next.

One word.....Schedules

I know, if you aren't a Type A who thrives on lists and schedules this may sound daunting.  I promise it is not. Even a loose schedule results in less whining, better behavior and less real-time thinking for Mom! 

Kids do better knowing what is going on and when. If breakfast is always at 8:00 they know what to expect. If the kids always go outside at 11:00 they know after they come in it's time for lunch. If they take their daily nap after lunch you will get far less whining if it's always after lunch. My Grammy used to always say in response to a "why" question, "It's the law of the land"!  I used that so often when my children were younger and it always satisfied them. The attitude of, "oh well, it's just how it is" helps kids to shrug and accept.

One perk to a schedule is it allowed me to know when I would get a bit of time to myself to read, get something done or time for a phone call to a friend. I could look forward to that time each day and the break it offered. Some days it was my lifeline!!

As a natural scheduler, I always followed a daily schedule with pretty firm nap times. I had friends who were not schedule types and they frequently struggled with daily meltdowns as kids got over-tired.  If naps are in stone, kids will accept them much better. Some of mine would even ask to go night-night and I would always know it must be close to 1:00PM.  When kids get rest they are much more pleasant for the rest of the day.

Meals at our house were pretty much on schedule too. Once the kids could tell time it saved me answering, "What time is dinner"? 101 times a day! I also posted a menu so when they asked what was for dinner I could refer to it. When they learned to read they could just go look for themselves.

Setting up your day not only helps children, it helps Mom when the old brain feels like mush. By the middle of the week it's pretty hard to keep your brains on track if you have little ones. My menus and schedule helped me stay cheerful when I didn't always feel very cheerful. 

Another thing that helped my children's behavior a lot was not over scheduling our day. I pretty much kept to an activity either morning or late afternoon (after naps) and maybe something for the family at night. Never all 3 or behaviour issues would inevitably arise. I think this is a huge issue for families now. Kids are booked like executives. Morning, afternoon, evening then falling into bed.  I really think this fosters being overwhelmed and family strife as members rush around trying to meet time deadlines.

We have always had "quiet time" in our home. Every weekday the children who didn't nap had their "quiet time" where they could read, do puzzles, draw, their choice of activity as long as they were quiet. Many years ago I read a Mother Theresa quote that spoke of quiet. She felt we all needed quiet to find God and peace in our days. I know for myself, I need quiet time to re-charge and organize my thoughts. It keeps me from getting too high strung and too fast paced which results in tension with the kids. This "quiet time" worked beautifully in that all our children to this day enjoy quiet with no music or T.V. needed. This is super important in our media saturated world.

If you cannot abide schedules and they make you feel like a prisoner, maybe just scheduling naps for the same time each day will help behavior issues. Maybe just easing off on overly busy schedules will bring more peace to your home and life. Just being together is a priceless endeavor that doesn't seem to be valued as highly as achieving many things per day. 

Value it.

Treasure it.

It disappears too quickly as children age and go off on their merry way.

~Blessings~

Lisa

Speaking to a Child

Our children are assets, not liabilities, yet so often we treat them as possessions and not persons by the way we speak to them.

How we speak to our kids is one of the most important things we practice in parenting. How something is said to a child, whether 6 yrs. or 26 yrs. is critical in what their reaction will be. This puts a lot of weight on our speech and manner.  Probably more than we like or are comfortable with.

Have you ever been ready to be helpful or compliant or cheerful only to have someone give you instructions in a condescending or sarcastic tone and you find yourself acting or speaking in an ugly way?  I have.  Minutes before, you were ready to do whatever was asked, now you are snotty, belligerent and not communicating very well. 

This is exactly what happens with parent/child communications so often. It is also the number one question I'm asked by young mothers, "How do I get the kids to listen to me"? One of the things I found to be simple and effective, is to..... 

speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Most folks would never speak to a friends' child the way they speak to their own. It's destructive in the long run because we are not giving the children we love and nurture the same consideration we give those outside the family. It's so simple really and not very hard if we can remember that little sentence.....

I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child.

Trying to overcome a habit of speaking critically or sarcastically or condescendingly to a child is a noble thing. Because we rarely examine how we speak to our children the negative speech becomes normal and then we cannot figure out why we aren't getting compliance. Think about how you give an order....is there an invisible "stupid" at the end of the sentence?

Thankfully it is pretty simple to make the effort to change this. Try to keep remembering your children are more important to you than other children and should be spoken to as such.  I will speak to my children the way I speak to my friends' children or a neighbor child. Write it down, put it on your mirror, on your cupboard, in your car. It doesn't require any methods or certain kinds of words, or anything complicated. Pretend you are speaking to your best friends' child and you're there!

It is instant gratification too. You will be proud of your ability to stay calm and cool when the kids may not be.

This requires self control obviously. One of those very difficult things to practice because individuals are so different in what they believe control is.  When a child isn't speaking to a parent properly, it is then that we need control of our face and voice and speech. They must see the parent in control at all times if a child is to learn self control.  It is not as hard as it sounds, but consistency is the key. Every time, any place, regardless of circumstance. 

Arguing back at a child is a major no-no if you want compliance. You are not on their level, you are trying to teach them to be on your level eventually.

There are those who would say a sassy child deserves to be spoken to in a harsh way. I disagree. Again, how would you deal with your best friends' child if they were to be sassy to you?  The calmer you are, the more in control you are the better your message is heard. You can be firm and kind at the same time. You are the adult, you are ultimately in control, but the way you gain control is the teaching moment for children.

After all, our children are our most precious assets, they should know we value them as much as any other people in our lives. Children can feel disrespect from adults. They can feel when they are being spoken down to. This does not encourage compliance.

When they feel valued, they want to please.

When they are complimented they want to do more.

If they are understood and comforted when they fail, they experience mercy.

When they see we do not over react and judge, they come to us willingly.

~Blessings~

Lisa