An Army WIfe

This is a re-post. On this Memorial Day my friend is still in her race as a military wife but now she is in the middle of her husband's FIFTH deployment.  She is still running in marathons , still supporting the soldiers and their families and still fighting for Jeremy and his service dog. Please get a cup of coffee and read about my lovely friend and her family who have lost many soldiers and in their wonderful way support the dependents left behind.
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On this Memorial Day morning I awoke at 4 AM from medical mumbo going on and finally gave up sleeping and turned on the computer to Facebook. The first post I saw was from my friend who is the organizer for a run in her hometown of Yelm, WA, called Wear Blue Run to Remember. It honors those soldiers fallen in defense of our country. It's held today on Memorial Day and she was up at 3:45 AM preparing.

She has been running all week for the fallen soldiers she and her husband were honored to know and love and for those they never knew. That's the military life. They stick together to remember.

Wear Blue To Remember 2014

The friend above I have known for many years. She's an Army Wife. I capitalize that because I consider it a title. A title difficult to possess. She would not agree. She would say it was her choice, her honor, her duty and her Call from God.

This is what is on her blog.....

Lord grant me the greatness of heart to see,
The difference in duty and his love for me.Give me the understanding to know,
That when duty calls he must go.Give me a task to do each day,
To fill the time when he is away.And Lord, when duty is in the field,
Please protect him and be his shield

When I met Amanda she was our new next door neighbor with 4 little boys and a handsome, tall, quiet, soldier husband, Paul. We became fast friends being Moms of many boys, Christians and both deeply committed to family life. The kids played, we visited, had coffee and we shared the bond that we had, big families and children with serious medical issues.

Then came 911.
Then Paul was deployed to Iraq on the front lines with a Stryker unit. Deep breath. We watched how the family prepared. How they had to get their affairs in order just in case.....  My husband shook Paul's hand the night before he deployed and told him we would watch over his family. We shared a tiny part of their sacrifice. 

That year was so stinkin' hard on them. She was amazing, the kids missed their Daddy terribly but their lives went on. Amanda took on things I am sure she never thought she could. She endured. Sitting nights making a beautiful scrap book for Paul and not sleeping.  She waited for the knock, knock, knock sound on her computer to tell her Paul was online and therefore alive.  She took care of and schooled 4 little boys alone. She kept house, paid bills, made meals, went to church....
 and endured some more.

I am not an army gal but have grown up around the military all my life having been born in a town with a large army base, Fort Ord, then moving to another state and town with another base, Joint Base Lewis McChord. I have always loved military families but not living on the inside, cannot ever understand their unique lives.

I'm writing because I admire the transformation of my friend from a young, green Army wife to a warrior. Yes, her husband, after now 5 deployments...yes FIVE of a year or more since the war began, is definitely a warrior but she too shares that title. Through those 5 deployments and the joy and difficulty of him coming home, she is now someone who has run the family support groups, been in charge of home coming celebrations, funerals and supported other wives during their grief over losing their husbands and much more. She embraced this military life and gives back.

Amanda has grown into a rock for other wives and families. She knows the ropes and shares the way. She mentors and hopes the young wives will "get it" and learn to be strong through their fear and worry and sometimes grief.

I think of her often when I see anything patriotic. Our family has prayed a bazillion prayers for their family while Paul was deployed. I have just random thoughts from a non-military brain that don't fit into paragraphs......

* How on earth do you say goodbye and watch your spouse leave for a war zone?


*How do you tell the kids he's going AGAIN?
 

* How do you deal with your children's fears and insecurities and anger when you yourself are trying to do the same?
 

*How do you wait, wait, then wait some more for the computer to tell you he's online waiting to communicate? The waiting.....
 

*How do you hear the T.V. news and the always negative garbage spewing from them regarding our military without becoming resentful?
 

*How do you see the other families in church with their Daddys and keep smiling?
 

*How do you raise 4 little (now BIG) rambunctious boys with all their dirt, toys, arguing and markers on the wall, (now driving and college apps) alone?
 

*How do you sleep when you know there could be a knock on the door anytime with no warning?
 

*How do you pay bills with the ridiculous salary the army pays, yet you are giving your all to them?
 

*How do you sit in the hospital with a child having seizure after seizure without his Daddy?
 

*How do you get ready for Christmas, birthdays and summer BBQs without him years at a time?
 

*How do you both live life in the now yet constantly live for his homecoming?
 

*How do you deal with the husband who returns who is not the man who left? War has changed him and you have been warned.
 

*How do you let go and do it all again and again and again?

    I could go on and on. I do not know how military wives do it. They are a special breed of brave, those who do this well and stay in and keep intact families. They, too, deserve our patriotic cheers and thank yous and support. I couldn't do it. Therein lies the secret.  I am not asked to do it. It is their Call. God has called them to a very unique and difficult life that is many times not their own. But He is there to support and hand out bravery, grace, confidence and see the tears.

   The gal I met 13 years ago is so darn far from the woman who now stands confident and sure and graceful. She has endured and grown and laughed and cried and stood by her soldier. She is the All American Wife and Mom. If you care to go through the last couple deployments you can read  Amanda's blog.  It's rough and lovey at the same time.

So....today on Memorial Day I am so, so thankful I do not have to mourn with her. After/during  five long deployments and losing many buddies and his own men, Paul is still with us, along with several Bronze Stars. He is a man his sons are proud of, a man with an impeccable military record. He wouldn't like me writing that, but oh well. We are honored to know a family like this because they are what America stands for....why America stands at all. 

~Blessings~

Lisa

Charity

   One of the things that is so special about being here at Ronald McDonald House of Long Island is the constant charity we get to witness. Every day a different group comes and cooks or serves dinner. On holidays, folks come and decorate or do crafts with the residents. There are wonderful treats given to residents as they become available from a wide source of generous donations to the House. For example, Steven and Ed were invited to throw out the first pitch at a Mets game at Citi Field!!  That was no small treat let me tell you!!   It was right after our daughter's brain surgery and such a welcome distraction for the guys. 

The next trip, Ed and the three youngest boys were given tickets for the 1st row....behind home plate....of the Yankees!!!  Those beauties were donated to Ronald McDonald House by Make~A~Wish of New York.  What a day they had. It was also Old Timers Day so it was especially wonderful for Ed.  Notice the shirts below ~

                                                                 Pretty cool huh??

    While we were here for St. Valentine's Day this trip, several groups came to the House to help us celebrate. One group brought all the makings for cut-out sugar cookies. There were a couple adults and several teens. They made stations for the kids (and grown-ups too) to cut out the cookies, and another to cut out fondant for the tops.  There was a third station to create a decorative box to put the cookies and Valentines in and a fourth to craft beautiful St. Valentine cards..  Here is my amateur photo shoot !

 

    

 

 

   See all the snow in the background? The volunteers ventured out after that crazy blizzard we had!!

   It was a lovely morning of making cookies, boxes and cards.  There was also a group there making cupcakes to decorate. The goodness of people abounds here. That others want to serve us simply because we are far from home with a sick child/children and would enjoy doing something "normal" is such a blessing. 

  Volunteering your time has profound meaning. If you don't already, think about volunteering to do something. If you are sad, down, feeling unappreciated, this is a great way to solve those problems. Service is never a waste of time and it will help you to be thankful for what you have.

   Thank you Ronald McDonald House of Long Island for sharing your gifts with us. Thank you to all the donors of things like baseball tickets! Thank you to all the volunteers who made our holiday brighter and fun!! 

~Blessings~

     Lisa

A Crowded Nest is Best?? Really?

                                   

     Is it really best?  For us it sure is.

    I am reminded since we’re here in New York again, that we have a large family. It isn’t as if the fact escapes me, but Ed and I are certainly used to the size of our brood.  Whenever we are here in New York for a medical trip, it surprises me again and again how well New Yorkers respond to the size of our family. It is a real treat to hear over and over, ”Really, eight children? You are certainly blessed” and they mean it.  We get a far better reaction here than anywhere on the west coast. This seems strange considering the pace of New Yorkers. But we always notice too, New Yorkers tend to be family oriented folks.

   Ed and I wanted a large family from the beginning. We are both from divorced homes, raised by mothers who worked hard and raised us well. But we wanted something different than the family of the 70’s we grew up in and we knew it would require real sacrifice and hard work. We freely chose to give up material things so we could have a large family.  We knew we would do without sometimes but it was worth it to us. We have been blessed abundantly with 8 living children and 8 in heaven. 

     We don’t live a life like many others. We are what might be called Traditional and we like it that way.  We eat at the dining table all three meals of the day, we have Sundays as our day of church and rest with the whole family and any significant others over for the day and evening, we pray before meals, and we laugh a lot.  We have had years and years of noise, messy Lego floors, lots of laundry and love.  We also have significant medical issues and suffering.

   The noise, fights, laughter, playing….all those things that come with a huge family are still so wonder filled for me. I am an only child so it’s all like winning the lottery in my mind. I still sometimes can’t believe I have this many children!  It was a dream from the time I was little and I have been blessed by it coming true.  I watch them often, hoping they appreciate each other and the size of their family.  We have never had any of them say out loud they wished the family was smaller. In fact after we lost our last baby girl, the kids were all devastated. Mike, 12 years old at the time, was really hit hard by that loss and would say Rosaries and Novena’s asking God to send us another baby. It was one of the most precious memories in my parenting. Never in all the new pregnancy announcements to the kids, was anyone ever unhappy, they  were over-the-moon happy every time.  That is a blessing that nothing can be compared to, especially since 6 of the children are boys.

   I have recently witnessed things I had no idea about since I was an only child. Our three oldest boys are grown and in the last few years had grown apart going their separate ways, after having been the 3 Musketeers their whole lives.  It was a natural process I was told but I wondered if they would ever be friends again. All of a sudden they are there for one another during hard times.  I don’t always understand the sibling thing because I never had it, so it is quite foreign to me.  The fact that they had grown apart was really hard for me but the sheer joy of watching them now support one another is very special. They would groan if they heard that, but I’m the Mom and I don’t care!  

    I have watched the girls do the same. As the oldest grew and left home she and her sister were far apart because of personality and age. However, in the last couple of years they have found common ground on many things and both make a huge effort at a sister relationship. It is so lovely to watch.  Ed and I are truly blessed. Blessed because it didn’t just happen, there is real effort at family ties.

   The one thing that is painful for me as a parent is discovering that the family changes as it grows and we are not the same family now that we were 10 years ago. I have not experienced this since I was the only child in my family. This is particularly hard for me because of the medical challenges I have. I feel I am not the same Mom I was to the older ones and this just kills me.  I went 100 miles an hour for years with always a new baby or toddler in tow. I always had a new project going, could stay up ‘till 1AM and still be up at 5:30 AM for my walk, then homeschool the kids during the day.

   I am reminded by friends however, that the younger boys have a Mom who is not quite so busy because I cannot be physically, has more time with them than the older ones got because there are no more new babies, and that nothing stays the same.  Each child is born into a different family than the one before them.

   We once had a service man at the house with his wife and they just marveled at the size of our family and wanted to know what it took to make breakfast. I obliged, telling them that it required 2 dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, 2 pounds of bacon, close to a loaf of bread, and 2 cans of juice.  They just thought that was hilarious!  That was at the height of having everyone home. It was great!

    Those days are not so far gone as we still have 12 yr. old twins as the youngest, but they seem so long ago now when everyone was at home and little. I have all good memories and do not think about the things we didn’t have materially because we always had enough. If any of the kids felt they didn’t have enough, no one has ever said so.  Even now the oldest ones who live in their own homes get lonely for the family and drop in frequently.  I love this.  Whenever someone’s car is having trouble, there is always someone to call, always someone to help, no one in this family is ever alone. I love this.  If someone is down, another family member is there to invite them to a movie, or out to dinner or ice cream.  There is always someone to talk to or talk at as the boys frequently do !  Ribbing siblings is an art form in our home.

   In our crazy medical circus the kids are always there to help even with their own medical challenges. We frequently need someone to drop so-and-so somewhere because I am up at Children’s hospital. I have never heard a complaint about this. When anyone is down with a medical problem someone is there to make a run to the store, make a milkshake for the patient or get them a treat.  On our frequent medical trips the oldest take care of the younger ones while we’re gone and if the younger ones are with us, the older keep the house going perfectly.  We are blessed. We do have funny stories about, say, them having no toilet paper for days on end but we won’t go there J.

   In these years of parenting a large brood, I learned more than I ever thought I could. I learned to be organized, to know myself and nip anger or being overly tired in the bud so as not to take things out on the kids. I learned patience and self control. I learned to work hard on myself daily so I would be someone the kids might learn good habits from. In short, I am a better person because I have a large family. I am certainly a work in progress but the stakes are high when you have children watching your actions and words constantly.  Because of them I am a calmer, kinder person. 

  Children are a gift from God and ours were sent to us on loan to save our souls. Ed and I had to better ourselves for the sake of our children.  A crowded nest certainly IS best!

~Blessings~

       Lisa

Three Years Ago.....by Katheryn Cordes

                                                  
...we were matched with Verity's birthmother!

                 Verity,Matthew, Gethsemane, Katheryn and Bosco Cordes

The other day Verity and I were snuggling and she had her blankie from her birthmother. When I asked who gave it to her, she said, "Jessica."

"And do you remember who Jessica is?"

"In her tummy."

"You grew in her tummy?"

"Yes. 'Cause Mommy's tummy is broken."

Then, I hugged her tighter and praised her for remembering.
Later, I cried.

It is one thing to tell your baby she was adopted from day one. It is another to hear it from her own voice for the first time.

I've heard it is common for adopted children to wish they grew in their mother's tummy, around ages 3-5. That makes sense. You know what? I wish that too. I wish Verity and Gethey grew in my tummy. I wish I were with them every moment of their lives, been the one to nourish and protect them while they grew. I wish I had given them birth. I wish that their birthmothers didn't have to go through the immense pain that they did. Yes, these are crazy wishes. Its like wishing an In-N-Out burger has zero calories. The heart wishes some crrraazzzyyy things. If they grew inside me, they would not be them, with their special DNA, and oh, so stinkin' cute curls. And I would a million and one times rather have THEM then have had a biological child. When you think about it, that fact that WE ended up with THEM is a complete and utter miracle of astounding proportions.

Adoption is wonderful... of all the people in the world, I can pretty much guarantee you that I will sing its praises the loudest. But it is a blessing and a gift that is not without pain. The tears of longing of a not-yet mother, the tears of a birthmother's shattered heart...it is marked by loss and grief. It is a beautiful example, I think, of how God weaves magic in this broken world, to bring about an even greater good. Maybe in a perfect world, everyone who wanted a baby would have one, and only when they were ready. Maybe no parents would die. No mother would have to choose an adoption plan for the baby kicking inside her. Maybe there would be no need for adoption.
But this is not a perfect world. It is a world of broken tummies, broken hearts, broken families, broken...everything.

But it IS a world of strength. Strong hearts that long for, search for, and fight for the children that were meant to be theirs. Strong hearts that love their children enough to choose the best life for them, even when it feels like their own lives are ending. And most of all, a God of Wonder, who mends hearts, fulfills dreams, and entwines lives together in amazing and wondrous ways.

If we were not infertile, we would still have wanted to adopt. I didn't adopt my girls because I couldn't get pregnant. I adopted them because they were meant to be mine, and that was somehow written on my heart, theirs, and their birthmothers'. They are in no way "second" choices. They are the first and most perfect choices of all. My infertility was a small piece in our particular puzzle that led to our particular meant-to-be girls. Other people have different pieces, different arrows, different threads. But for me, my infertility was a big piece. The pain enlarged my heart, made me the mother I am. It caused us to prioritize financially for adoption earlier than we may have, had I gotten pregnant. It may have been a factor in our birthmothers choosing us in particular.

Maybe in a perfect world my tummy would not be broken. But in a perfect world I would not have my perfect daughters.

Thank you, God, for my brokenness.

                         


This was written by a friend of ours. She and her husband Matthew are both the first born of huge families but were unable to give birth to their own children.  Ed and I were not surprised by their generosity of heart in adopting, but we have been so impressed by their dedication in now adopting three children in 3 years! They have jumped feet first into parenthood. Through their pain and disappointment has blossomed service, sacrifice and 3 lovely babies. 

I wanted to put this in the blog because I hear so often, the mistaken belief that folks who are prolife don't want to walk the walk of adopting children of Moms who might otherwise have aborted these precious souls.  We know multiple families who have adopted children out of their pro life heart.  My best friend and her husband adopted a family member's baby after they already had 8 of their own!  I lost a friend to cancer who with her husband adopted 11 children of many different cultures and races some with handicaps....but all cherished and loved.

I hope you enjoy the above thoughts by Katheryn as much as I did.

~Blessings~
       Lisa

On being a Mom

   What happens if we view being a Mommy as a privilege and not a grind?  What if we begin to see the daily maintenance work we do (that perpetually gets UN-done) is not meaningless but in the end really does matter?

   I am at a different place in my Mommy life now. With our youngest two turning 12 soon, it is still sometimes strange to me to not be totally exhausted at the end of every day and covered in either playdough remnants or the last meal I fixed or spilled milk.  As much work as those days were, they are so precious to me. Because I tried my best (and many days failed) to make each day important. Because I tried like a crazy woman not to lose my temper or use my words in a hurtful way, I look back on those days with gentle pride at a huge effort fairly well done.  

   At the time they were all young, I remember thinking I wanted to be able to look back and be proud not regretful of my vocation.  I was blessed with several older women who shared how important the days with all the children young and at home were. I tried to keep their words in front of me even on the days nothing went right. One gal in particular who had successfully raised a family of 9, once told me how damaging it is to yell at children. She said when I was angry my voice should get more and more quiet and they would listen. Do you know that works???  

    We had 8 children in 14 years and lost 8 to miscarriage.  I am so proud of the size of our brood! I know some will gag when they read that but it was our goal. It was a need, a want, a sacrifice, a vocation from God that we have a large family and I was always continually thankful because I am an only child !!  Yes, an only child.  When the kids were little I recall sort of looking into my life from the outside thinking how cool it was, this big, huge, loud family!  It was so foreign to my upbringing. How did I even know what I was doing?  Don't have a clue.  God knew. God blessed us with this huge family and we have a lovely, loud, boy heavy gang.  Our poor girls have lived with 7 males for a long time.  No man bashing here but that is quite a feat you know.

   We have had so many forts built, trees climbed, bones broken, Legos scattered, toilets clogged, and everything else that you might imagine in a large family....but it has been cool!!  I had no brothers. Watching my boys build blanket forts, make creative costumes, use anything and everything for a sword, amazed me. It was just cool!  The girls are both girly girls and always had home made dresses and cute hair with bows and ribbons.  No wonder I was a picture taking fool...still am.

    I want the world to start recognizing how incredibly important stay at home Moms are.  How did that change in such a short time?  How did such a high calling fall to the ground with a thud in the eyes of the world?  Maybe that's the issue....the eyes of the world.  How's it going out there?  Not so hot.  It will only change from within the family. By warm, loving, disciplined, sacrificial families who know God is in charge. 

   All you Mommas out there who work your tails off every day and night are awesome. You are the future because what you teach your kids, how you model goodness and yes holiness, is how the craziness is going to get better.  You have to persevere when you feel your education is being "wasted", when others think what you do isn't valuable because there isn't a paycheck, when you can't dress in the latest fashions because you are just happy to have gotten your underwear on straight!  You are one of the two most important people in your children's lives. You are the hero, the safety net, the party coordinator, the driver, the nurse, the chef, the story reader and the pillow for a sleeping child. You are everything to your children, you are important. 

   Try and sit back every once in a while and just watch them. Watch them be kids. Take a million and one pictures. Create a journal if your kids are older. Do what you have to, to create and keep memories of this wonderfully hard time :)

It's priceless.

Love ya Mommas~

Lisa