Boxes

In life there are many, many boxes.

In each area of our lives are boxes.

Within these boxes can be more boxes.

Boxes can be full of many things....

In the medical world in which we spend a large amount of our lives, there are so many boxes that it can feel you're wandering aimlessly through them, one stacked upon another, upon another like skyscrapers in New York City. That's how many boxes there are.

Boxes that contain ...

each diagnosis

information, information and more information

a new language for each disease

technology, medical equipment, meds, supplies

emotion of the child

emotion of the parents

siblings

finances

family

extended family

faith

psychological challenges ~ grief cycle of fear,anger, denial, acceptance

sociological ~ dealing with others' issues with our medical

time

nurturing others

the couple relationship

expectations

and on, and on....

When one gets the unwanted and unsolicited invitation into this skyscraper world of boxes it is so scary and lonely and confusing but after awhile you get to know your boxes and become accustomed to opening them when you need to and even accustomed to them being opened for you and how alarming that can be. They become normal...a new normal. There is a whole other post waiting to be written about these terrible, wonderful, challenging, grace-filled, inescapable boxes but today is just one little Mommy box.

Today I sit at Children's Hospital, a day like a million others yet not. Mary and I got up and on the road for the 1 1/2 hr. trip in the yukky Pacific Northwest rain like we always do. We have our usual appointments then 2 infusions in hem/onc, a whole day here. But something is different.

A few weeks ago Mary gently requested that she see her endocrinologist by herself. Because she knows me well, she knows this request carries box I have yet to be opened with her. Letting go completely.

I have easily let go of smaller things because she is awesome with her own care which is significant in quantity.

I have already done the completely letting go thing with two sons who have multiple medical problems and I survived. I even made it look like it was no big deal. IT'S A HUGE DEAL. Ahem...sorry for the outburst! I knew I could box up my emotion because letting them open that box of responsibility and their desire to handle their own stuff was far more important than my internal Mommy Meltdown. (That's another box...meltdowns.)

The boys, Eddie and Joe, have handled their medical beautifully and ask me questions when they need to. They do it all; insurance, appointments, supplies, even scheduling and planning surgeries! For a Mom who is continually feeling like I am not doing enough, these boys....excuse me, men, make me see Ed and I are did something right. They can take care of themselves.....and well.

So as Mary is in the back with her various providers, I am out here with a coffee, writing. I am proud of my children for dealing with their medical stuff. I am relieved in a way that some of it is off my plate. I am also freaking out folks. But then I have my husband who lets go of the medical a little easier than I, who will comfort me and remind me of all the things I won't have to handle for that particular child anymore. Sigh...... It's a good thing. Right?

Thankfully, Children's has trained not only Mary but Mom to let go because of the way they treat and speak to the youth here. She is asked pertinent questions. She is asked to check her very long medicine list. She is asked about whether or not a particular treatment will be good for her or not. We all discuss it but she has control and input. I can remember being a bit uncomfortable with that when it first started happening. It was un nerving for a 12 yr old to be asked what she would like to do about this or that even though at home we gave her a ton of control. (This too is another post. I think I may have to start a medical page on the blog.)

She is now graduating into the decision making world of medical without me there...a whole new world that she has been perfectly prepared for.....by God, her parents and Seattle Children's Hospital.

Maybe you can all pray for a sniveling Momma today.

Maybe I can have more babies? Maybe not.

Maybe I can get a sucker for being good.

Maybe I just have to muddle through.

~Blessings~
    Lisa