Expectations

   As I grew into a teen who knew everything, I recognized I had expectations of my Mom. As similar as we are/were in personality and temperament, we were also completely opposite in other ways.

    Mom was a beautiful, thin, fashionable, gracious, intelligent, hardworking, popular, modern woman.  I wanted a stay-at-home Mom who sewed my clothes, came to every school activity with cupcakes, gave me brothers and sisters, would buy me a dog and drive a station wagon.  You know, the caricature of an American Mom of the 1950’s.  I think I watched too much Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best and Bewitched.  I created a picture that I thought was perfect and as I grew, I resented more and more I did not have this.  Because I was raised properly, this rightfully created tremendous guilt.

     A little background…..Mom had married someone who represented himself as a person he was not. Things went downhill quickly and for our safety she divorced him when I was 5.  She was left with tremendous debt he had mounted up in the small businesses in our town.  Although they told her to forget the debt because they knew and trusted her, she paid each of these businesses as little as $2.50 per paycheck to repay them because it was the right thing to do.   Never, ever, even once did she say an ugly thing about my Dad.  She did not place upon me her pain, disappointment and even fear that was part of her life during that time.

    Mom always provided everything I needed, miraculously on a single parent’s salary.  Christmases and birthdays were never sparse but abundant, she was home every night, our home was beautiful and spotless and I’m sure she went without to provide this for me.
   
    Although Mom and I always got along, as I got older and got married I continued to secretly resent what I believed I had missed and deserved; the perfect American Family dream.  Even as a child I knew she did not plan how things had happened with my Dad, I knew she was a decent, honest, hardworking person, that would have liked things to be different but I grieved over the perfect childhood. 

    It didn’t take long after becoming a Mother that my heart finally softened because I saw that the life I chose to lead as the stay-at-home Mom, sewing my and my children’s clothes, crafting, etc. would not have made my Mother happy.  It wasn’t who she was.   I began instead, to appreciate in a new adult way the many wonderful qualities she possessed. 

   I have an unproven theory that every other generation is similar to one another. It’s almost as if each decides they will be different than the previous.  My Grandmother was like me, my Mom totally opposite of her Mom.  As I pondered this as a young adult I saw that I could be the old fashioned kind of Mom I wanted to be, yet could integrate all the wonderful, modern, intelligent, deeply held convictions of the modern city girl my Mom had become after growing up and leaving her lovely Midwestern home.  I began to see God had a plan that I could never have thought of myself; that He was in control and that I was blessed to have the best of both worlds. 

                                                            
                                                        Me in my delusional mind !

                                                               Mom

   I consider myself an old fashioned Mom yet I practice a type of mothering that has all the benefits of modern thinking and respect for the personhood of a child.  I don’t mean to say we have children who are equal to us because we certainly do have a hierarchy here, but to say that they deserve respect as persons, as children of God and they are not our possessions but are on loan to us.  This is how I was raised. I am deeply thankful, deeply sorry, deeply appreciative now.  I see well that the “high road” that she so often spoke of need not belong to a certain type of person, a certain type of Mom or political party, or race, or religion.  She always took the high road and taught me the same. The qualities she imparted went beyond my unfair expectations of her.

   Now when I go home to visit, I step into her world and we shop and talk about fashion.  We ride in her fancy vehicle, have our nails done and eat out; everything so different than my world, but I now LOVE doing this with her. I love the person she is because she molded me into who I am and I rather like myself.  She is responsible for the way we parent and I am beyond grateful for this.

   This realization has made it clear to me that I must see all things in life whether I perceive them positive or negative as God setting me up. Setting me up for a revelation that no, I do not know everything, that what appears hard may be a great blessing in the future; that what is difficult is character building, that what seems unfair is, in time, a gift.

~Blessings~

           Lisa

My Favorite Coffee Drink

My friend Tracy is one of those adventurous gals who makes up recipes at the drop of a hat. She has some dietary restrictions so one day when she was over she made up this awesome coffee drink and it's my fav so I thought I'd share it.  It has no real dairy, but uses coconut milk which I thought I would dislike intensely because I do NOT like coconut.  She just threw things in the blender and out came this foamy, cold, coffee drink.  It has no coconut taste at all.

1 can ( 13.5 fl.oz) coconut milk
2 cups water
10 ice cubes
4 tsp. instant coffee
4 Tbls. sugar or Splenda
1 tsp. vanilla

Throw all this in the blender and blend until smooth and foamy.  I love it and if you are lactose intolerant it is perfect.   I leave it in the blender and store in the fridge.  When I want some I throw it on the base and blend for a couple seconds to re-create the foam.  If you use Splenda the carb count is only about 2 grams per cup !!

Enjoy !

~Blessings~
                 Lisa

Planning Ahead for Christmas ~ A Few Things

 I am not one of those folks who starts the Christmas season in October but this particular post requires a bit of planning before the season arrives so I am writing it in November so you might choose a new tradition.

One of my most favorite books is The Twenty-Four Days Before Christmas by Madeleine L'Engle.  It has been a family favorite for many, many years. We read it aloud over several nights and it is a special tradition at our house.  In the story, the family does something each day of December to celebrate the coming Baby and His birthday.  It can be something small like hanging a wreath to something big like decorating the tree.  We try and do something each day and in addition to it just being plain fun, it spreads the lovely season out slowly.

Here are a few suggestions. Of course, you will have your own traditions and activities you use in your family.

Day 1 ~  Put up the Advent Wreath and explain all it represents

Day 2 ~  Make a Jesse Tree

Day 3 ~  Have the kids help make a card list and if they are old enough address some

Day 4 ~  Put up Christmas lights outside

Day 5 ~  Watch one of the Christmas movies or shows. Also, before bed,  the kids put out their shoes by the fireplace for St. Nicholas'  Feast Day !

Day 6 ~  For Catholics this is St. Nicholas' Day and the kids wake to find treats left in their shoes by the fireplace.

Day 7 ~  Hunt for your Christmas Tree

Day 8 ~  Decorate the tree

Day 9 ~  Make sugar cookie dough and create lovely cut out Christmas cookies

Day 10 ~  Have the children make home made Christmas cards for a local old folks' home

Day 11 ~  Get Christmas coloring books out

Day 12 ~  Make a new tradition of reading a favorite Christmas book aloud in the evening when everyone is home

Day 13 ~  Set up the Nativity Scene

Day 14 ~  Make a Christmas treat like pretzels, peanuts, marshmallows dipped in chocolate

Day 15 ~ Have the kids make snowflakes for the windows.  There are a ton of great tutorials online on how to make these beauties out of coffee filters, paper, cupcake cups, etc.

Day 16 ~ Decorate the mantle

Day 17 ~ Have the kids create a red and green paper chain to hang somewhere as decoration or for the tree

Day 18 ~ Make a popcorn garland for either the tree or hanging above a window maybe with cranberries or red beads mixed in for color. We've even put them on a small tree outside for the birds.

Day 19  ~ Make candy houses (I have a very easy method I'll post soon)

Day 20 ~ etc, etc, etc

    You get the gist!!  Think of all the things you normally do, spread them out over days and days  then add some more by looking on line or asking friends for ideas.  Ask Grandma and/or Grandpa if there was something special their family did when they were little, adopt that tradition then invite them over for that day to participate.   There are so many ideas.  

Make it fun, stress free, simple.  Each day need not trump the previous days. Simplicity is lovely.

   We have had days in December when some sort of medical disaster strikes (like every other month!) but then whoever is home does something very simple.  Last year I had 4 mini strokes and was in the hospital for a short time but then I was banned from driving until January!!  I thought it was going to be such a nightmare but it was really one of the most wonderful Decembers/Advents I had ever spent because I was home every day and we did such fun things. 

   If you are a working Mom make it super simple by spreading out the decorating for a week or more.  Maybe doing more of the reading aloud or instead of making cookie dough buying it ready made then all that has to be done is roll 'em out and they can use the cookie cutters to their heart's content!   Cut out cookies are always a big hit here even with the kids who are grown up!

   Last but never least is the spiritual planning for Advent. There are many websites and books with ideas and How To's for the Liturgical Season of Advent. It is a very special time of waiting for the Christ child and realizing we owe all to Him who will come as a baby....simple, pure, wonderful.  It's a time for waiting, for penance in a different way than Lent. 

   In the middle of our Advent wreath we have a little wooden cradle and the children try and fill it up with straw for the coming Babe. A piece of straw (a small piece of yellow yarn) can be placed in the cradle every time they do a good deed, refrain from something naughty, do a secret thing for a sibling, scripture reading,  doing without a treat, etc.  It's their way of using their sacrifices to line the cradle with soft straw so Baby Jesus can lay in comfort on His birthday.  It's awesome to see the amount of straw grow each day as the kids try hard to do good, gain self mastery and avoid doing the sort of automatic sibling mean thing they do without thinking. This causes them to pause and think.

I hope there is an idea or two you can use. If you have any we can adopt, leave a description in the comments box !

  ~Blessings~
                    Lisa

  

Thanksgiving ~ Do What You Can Do

 Happy Thanksgiving from our house to yours.  It is such a lovely holiday, so full of good things.

I wanted to write and make a confession....I make fake Thanksgiving dinner.  Yup...fake.  I am a perfectionist by birth and it is something I fight all the time.  God decided to try His very best to cure me of this terrible scourge with a few brain surgeries, a couple incurable diseases, a bunch of hardware and devices in this old body and the loss of much of my intelligence. 

After all that you'd think I would be nice and humble huh? Ummmm nope.  I try but it's sort of like pedaling a stationary bike I'm afraid!  What I did learn were limits. Limits on everything.  I learned that doing something is better than doing nothing even if it isn't perfect.  Hence the fake Thanksgiving dinner that I am finally comfortable with and proud of.

I  have always attempted the Hallmark commercial holidays with all the trimmings, but my physical health won't allow some of it anymore.  I am fortunate that I have a house full of males and they really don't even see the details which we gals work so hard at getting....perfect.  This is truly a blessing though because they are happy with anything I create for the holidays as long as there are few vegetables involved.   The family just likes to be together, play games, laugh, give one another a hard time, throw the football and watch "It's A Wonderful Life"while eating pie.

So why write about this?  Because I have joined those out there who are just getting by and want it all to be lovely anyway. 

I Cheat.....
I cook a very large turkey because we have a very large family. I use those turkey bags because my mom used those turkey bags and the bird comes out moist every time.  I do very little to the turkey except rub his outsides with butter which is what my mother in law has always done.  Can you tell I value tradition?  I never put the stuffing in the turkey because my mom has made me a little paranoid about making folks sick if it wasn't cooked properly.....besides I cheat with the stuffing.

My stuffing is good ol' Stove Top Turkey Stuffing because it literally takes maybe 5 minutes to prepare.  It does take a bit longer on Thanksgiving though because I first fry up mild Italian sausage, then add the water, butter and breading mix.  Even with that addition it's still only about 10 minutes.  I then put a couple cans of corn into a sauce pan and heat. Maybe 5 minutes??  The mashed potatoes are Hungry Jack Instant Potatoes....yup...instant potatoes.  It gets even worse....canned gravy.  Then I slide the cranberry sauce out of the can, heat the ready made rolls in the oven and we're good to go!  I do use my best linens, goblets, silver and lovely serving pieces.  We always have candles on the table and music in the background.

I'd say excluding the turkey time, it takes 20-30 minutes to make Thanksgiving dinner here. I should/did feel bad that I don't make everything from scratch but compared to a few years ago when I couldn't even do the cheater dinner, I am a 4 star chef !!

We also make cheater pies. Frozen or ready made crusts, canned pie filling, blah, blah, blah.  I add my own little things to them to make them a bit more home made, but again, the family doesn't seem to notice. Thank You God.

 I have finally learned to be thankful for the ability to make things the easy way, the cheater way, any way at all. I have a friend who has her own take on an old cliche, "If a job is worth doing it's worth doing half way".  That is SO hard for a perfectionist.  But it's ultimately healthy when you have any sort of disability or have had a baby, surgery, a crisis, etc. 

So if you did not make your stuffing from scratch or your pies from scratch or your potatoes from scratch....maybe you used the time to play board games with the kids or sat and listened to an elderly relative. There are precious things out there waiting for our time and traditional or not, my cheater Thanksgiving makes those things possible for me.

~Grateful on Thanksgiving~
Lisa

The Princess and the Pain....

We have a lovely daughter who has been chosen to be the subject of the "Survivor Spotlight" and featured in the INvisible Project of the U.S. Pain Foundation.  This is a campaign creating chronic pain awareness through photography and story. Their mission is to empower, recognize and inform society on the challenges/misperceptions of pain ... while empowering those survivors who refuse to give up, who keep moving forward despite the obstacles.  Mary's story is compelling.

I want to be a nauseating Mommy braggart about Mary being chosen, but I also want to shed some light on a subject that is difficult.  The name is so appropriate.....  the INvisible Project.  Mary recently wrote about being chronically ill with several progressive and incurable disorders/diseases and she named the most difficult part as being INVISIBLE.  However, she also feels it is her call from God to suffer well, not inconvenience others, to serve instead of being served and to get herself and anyone around her to heaven.  She smiles, laughs, sings, serves....and suffers.

Invisible.  It is a more difficult word than you might imagine for those with chronic illness that cannot be seen from the outside.  At our house , learning to live with chronic illness is part of the growing up process since all of our children are affected.  Some more than others.  Ed and I make it a priority and goal that these kids learn to suffer well, do not become self centered or live in chronic self pity, but recognize the many blessings they have.  None of this is to negate the difficulty of chronic illness and pain, it stinks, but we choose instead to focus on what is positive and good since we cannot change the facts.

Our family, like many other folks with pain sits precariously on a razor's edge.  We do not want to project our "stuff" on to others, we do not want pity, we want to be independent, we do not want to stand out, yet the very things we do to cope, make us rather invisible and this is painful. This is even more profound for our boys who, by the nature of being male, never talk to others about their illnesses. If we rarely talk about the medical mumbo-jumbo then we can get away with looking relatively normal for a period of time. This, however, can cause us to feel invalidated as if the real person doesn't exist, is invisible .

Healthy people go about a regular routine without having to think. For those with pain issues it takes so much more effort, energy, planning and then paying the piper when they are done. Everything has to be thought about. That in itself is exhausting.  There is a wonderful, thought provoking  explanation  called "The Spoon Theory" written by a gal with Lupus, Christine Miserandino.  Please take the time to read it at  her website http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ .  It will help anyone who wants to understand others with chronic illness. 

I guess I am writing this because after all these years, all the La-La-La-ing (what we call making everything lovely for everyone else), all the surgeries, bald heads, treatments, studies, needles, traveling, symptoms, medicines (more than 110 doses per day in our home) we still do not have the answers.  Do we fake it or do we share?  In what ratio?  There are folks who cannot handle hearing about medical at all and others who want all the gory details.  This makes it a challenge to La-La-La.   It is a constant balancing act.  I think it is important to make others feel comfortable and informed if they are asking. I know this is a controversial stance but I have never seen a benefit to shoving our diseases and the limitations they place on us in anyone's face. That sort of militant stance of "deal with it" is, I deeply feel, unproductive.

  Another factor for those with chronic illness, is coping with others' loss of interest in something that may take your life or that of one of your children. That makes your days very unlike theirs. When an illness is first found it is a huge deal for everyone and is most likely met with love, compassion, help, calls, cards, inquiries of health. Unfortunately when the illness is chronic, progressive, does not get "better", the newness fades away.  This is particularly difficult because you become....drum roll please....invisible.  Though this fact is acutely painful, there is no blame or fault in play here. It's just the way it IS.  Friends and family cannot maintain the level of care that was shown at the beginning of the medical journey over years and years. It's just not possible even if they care deeply.  Even as things progress and get more difficult, most folks involved become immune to the real life drama unfolding behind the scenes at home.  A new diagnosis becomes just "another" diagnosis.

Thankfully there is a wonderful, huge, world-wide, understanding community of those who suffer. The advent of the internet has been a huge blessing in this realm. To be able to connect with others who share the same diagnosis' is invaluable.  It is a place where no one is invisible if they choose to communicate. 

We liken it to living in different worlds. The one where people think you're fine and "isn't it wonderful how well you handle things"...then the other community of medical folks who "get it".  They know when you're La-La-La-ing and can see right through it.  I have several close friends who share our diagnosis who I either have never met or have seen only a few times at Ronald McDonald House. They are such a huge blessing to me and I can call them when I just cannot maintain La-La-La "normal".  I suppose we just keep our feet firmly planted in both worlds....a bit of a split personality never hurt anyone right?

The challenge then, is being diligent about not becoming resentful, and sharing just enough to re-appear from the invisibilty that weighs down upon those with chronic illness.

I find the closing of this post difficult. I do not want this to have been a negative post because we put great effort into being positive and we truly are a thankful bunch. Yet, I feel the weight of trying to describe something so....well....invisible.  I feel I have not, can not really describe this invisibility and it's inevitable difficulty. I will let the coming story and photographs of our daughter and others make all of us visible.

~Many Blessings~
Lisa

One More Sign of the Times

My wonderful husband is a U.S. Letter Carrier, you know, a mailman, postman or dog bait...whatever you prefer.

Twenty-seven years ago Ed started in the post office in our home state of California.  It certainly doesn't seem that long ago but I now romanticize the days when he knew every customer on his route, took mail up to and sometimes inside the door of the elderly folks who needed a little visit and walked most of his route.  There were still individual mailboxes and the little jeep mail trucks! 

At Christmas he would be bombarded with candy, cookies, gift certificates, cash, wine, and all kinds of crafty things. It was so lovely.  In the summer, customers would leave sodas in the mailbox for him and sometimes a treat.  So Norman Rockwell.  He had a walking route and a bag. He had a spic-and-span uniform and a code that stated his hair could not touch his collar, no facial hair and his uniform needed to be clean and ironed.  I used to get up at 4 AM and get his uniform ironed for his day.

We have been blessed several times to live on his route. We would then get to see Daddy everyday for lunch. This was so exciting!  Way back when he would come home and put babies to nap while I fixed his lunch.  What a guy...now that's service!  We live on his route now and we love seeing him everyday plus I get my mail delivered right into my kitchen!

He has always loved his job but it doesn't even begin to resemble what it once was.  There is little time to visit with customers because the P.O. keeps tight tabs on their letter carriers with time checks on a scanner all through the routes. Christmas time is pretty sparse comparatively and he doesn't know as many people on his route because they have those big grey boxes in their neighborhoods with many mailboxes all together, away from their houses. There's rarely one~on~one at the fence or mailbox anymore. 

I suppose it's another sign of the times in which we now live. I cannot pinpoint why or exactly when it happened, this impersonal way of doing things, but it has arrived and Norman Rockwell would be sad.  We experience this too with a hobby our family has. Are ya ready.....square dancing!  It's is so much fun, such a family, a lovely social circle and great exercise! Almost everyone in our family has had lessons and danced for years. The square dance community is like family to us as we have no family here.  Like the old days of the Post Office there is the same phenomenon going on in Square Dancing.  People just don't take the time to come out and dance like they used to. Many take lessons but something keeps them at home instead of coming out to dances.  I wish I understood it.  Gone are the days of a social club and commitments to the good of a group.

                            Three of the kids at a square dance demo

 

                       Mary teaching a little friend and fellow Wish Child how to sqaure dance

We have always loved that group of folks because among other things, it's great for the kids to meet and mingle with adults from 18 to 98...literally. We have dancers at the Hall in their 90's !  The kids have met wonderful people with amazing stories. One of the elderly couples who do not dance anymore used to come just to socialize. The gentleman is a veteran of WWII and was in the crowd of heros who stormed the beach at Normandy!!  What a treat for my boys. He loved speaking to them about it and after one evening of visiting, took me aside with tears and thanked me for having sons who wanted to listen to his stories.  He was so pleased someone cared.   This is life. This is happiness. This is old fashioned I guess.  We are old fashioned and we like it that way.

I guess I have a hard time with change when it affects relationships, whether it's Ed's postal customers or watching young people connect less and less. We are less and less personal with one another as time and technology march forward.  I don't see anything positive in this depersonalization. I hope that my children will learn to listen to old folks, be respectful to middle aged folks and connect with young folks their age. Really connect not just by social media, not by cell phones, but board games, walks, sports, dinners out.  This is where relationships are built.

Oh well, in our little neck o' the woods we still love the postman and square dancing !  Sounds like we're a bunch of geeks!

~Blessings~
Lisa

I think I have a chef...

My son Bobby is a blooming chef.  If I am in the kitchen he is in the kitchen.  I decided to write this momentous post because this is the kid who loves to stay home instead of going anywhere....ever.  He is just our homebody. These two unrelated facts will make sense later.

At our house Saturday morning is always pancake morning.  I make homemade pancakes on the griddle. Not the stuff out of the bag....the kids will not eat that stuff, I do not know why.  I have tried to trick them on multiple occasions but as soon as the first bite hits their mouth all eyes are on me. Sheesh.  So one Saturday morn Bobby comes and asks if he can help me !  I was thrilled. I let him measure out all the ingredients and stir. 

Week after week he'd ask to do one more thing until he now makes the pancakes as well as our home made waffles on Sunday!!  Then one evening as I was planning dinner he saunters in and asks if he can make our home made spaghetti sauce! Really?  You're an 11yr old boy !  Okie dokie...and he was awesome.  Now tacos are on his menu as well.

Letting the kids in the kitchen has always been a tradition in our family. My mom always let me try to cook and bake and so did my favorite friend Rita. She was my Mom's best friend from the country, and I was just a kid but she made me feel I was important and grown up. Both felt kids should learn to be in the kitchen regardless of the annoyance it might be, the mess that might be made or the sometimes sketchy results.  I am thankful for this, so it was natural for me to have my children follow the same tradition.

All of our children can cook.  It was just lovely and nice until it became needed.  With several pregnancies spent on bedrest (actually I called it couch jail) and then brain surgery and then another, these kids kept the house going for extended periods. And they did it well. Dad had to go to work and there were many children here that needed 3 meals a day.  My children were absolutely awesome and we made schedules of who was making what on what days.  They also did all the chores, laundry and helped with school work.  I soon learned that what was a nice tradition was a vital skill in a world that values other things.  This house went liked clockwork during more than one difficult time. 

Back to the chef.  This fine Saturday morning, the boy who never wants to go anywhere asks if WE are going grocery shopping today for Thanksgiving.   He was beaming and wanted to know exactly when we were going.  I just love it!!  I don't know why but it has made my day.  Normally he stays at the house when I go or I have to insist he go.  I'm not sure what has inspired this adventurous change.

I have to hurry and get my shower while Bob makes the pancake batter then we'll get breakfast going and off to the store....

~Blessings~
Lisa