Expectations

   As I grew into a teen who knew everything, I recognized I had expectations of my Mom. As similar as we are/were in personality and temperament, we were also completely opposite in other ways.

    Mom was a beautiful, thin, fashionable, gracious, intelligent, hardworking, popular, modern woman.  I wanted a stay-at-home Mom who sewed my clothes, came to every school activity with cupcakes, gave me brothers and sisters, would buy me a dog and drive a station wagon.  You know, the caricature of an American Mom of the 1950’s.  I think I watched too much Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best and Bewitched.  I created a picture that I thought was perfect and as I grew, I resented more and more I did not have this.  Because I was raised properly, this rightfully created tremendous guilt.

     A little background…..Mom had married someone who represented himself as a person he was not. Things went downhill quickly and for our safety she divorced him when I was 5.  She was left with tremendous debt he had mounted up in the small businesses in our town.  Although they told her to forget the debt because they knew and trusted her, she paid each of these businesses as little as $2.50 per paycheck to repay them because it was the right thing to do.   Never, ever, even once did she say an ugly thing about my Dad.  She did not place upon me her pain, disappointment and even fear that was part of her life during that time.

    Mom always provided everything I needed, miraculously on a single parent’s salary.  Christmases and birthdays were never sparse but abundant, she was home every night, our home was beautiful and spotless and I’m sure she went without to provide this for me.
   
    Although Mom and I always got along, as I got older and got married I continued to secretly resent what I believed I had missed and deserved; the perfect American Family dream.  Even as a child I knew she did not plan how things had happened with my Dad, I knew she was a decent, honest, hardworking person, that would have liked things to be different but I grieved over the perfect childhood. 

    It didn’t take long after becoming a Mother that my heart finally softened because I saw that the life I chose to lead as the stay-at-home Mom, sewing my and my children’s clothes, crafting, etc. would not have made my Mother happy.  It wasn’t who she was.   I began instead, to appreciate in a new adult way the many wonderful qualities she possessed. 

   I have an unproven theory that every other generation is similar to one another. It’s almost as if each decides they will be different than the previous.  My Grandmother was like me, my Mom totally opposite of her Mom.  As I pondered this as a young adult I saw that I could be the old fashioned kind of Mom I wanted to be, yet could integrate all the wonderful, modern, intelligent, deeply held convictions of the modern city girl my Mom had become after growing up and leaving her lovely Midwestern home.  I began to see God had a plan that I could never have thought of myself; that He was in control and that I was blessed to have the best of both worlds. 

                                                            
                                                        Me in my delusional mind !

                                                               Mom

   I consider myself an old fashioned Mom yet I practice a type of mothering that has all the benefits of modern thinking and respect for the personhood of a child.  I don’t mean to say we have children who are equal to us because we certainly do have a hierarchy here, but to say that they deserve respect as persons, as children of God and they are not our possessions but are on loan to us.  This is how I was raised. I am deeply thankful, deeply sorry, deeply appreciative now.  I see well that the “high road” that she so often spoke of need not belong to a certain type of person, a certain type of Mom or political party, or race, or religion.  She always took the high road and taught me the same. The qualities she imparted went beyond my unfair expectations of her.

   Now when I go home to visit, I step into her world and we shop and talk about fashion.  We ride in her fancy vehicle, have our nails done and eat out; everything so different than my world, but I now LOVE doing this with her. I love the person she is because she molded me into who I am and I rather like myself.  She is responsible for the way we parent and I am beyond grateful for this.

   This realization has made it clear to me that I must see all things in life whether I perceive them positive or negative as God setting me up. Setting me up for a revelation that no, I do not know everything, that what appears hard may be a great blessing in the future; that what is difficult is character building, that what seems unfair is, in time, a gift.

~Blessings~

           Lisa

My Favorite Coffee Drink

My friend Tracy is one of those adventurous gals who makes up recipes at the drop of a hat. She has some dietary restrictions so one day when she was over she made up this awesome coffee drink and it's my fav so I thought I'd share it.  It has no real dairy, but uses coconut milk which I thought I would dislike intensely because I do NOT like coconut.  She just threw things in the blender and out came this foamy, cold, coffee drink.  It has no coconut taste at all.

1 can ( 13.5 fl.oz) coconut milk
2 cups water
10 ice cubes
4 tsp. instant coffee
4 Tbls. sugar or Splenda
1 tsp. vanilla

Throw all this in the blender and blend until smooth and foamy.  I love it and if you are lactose intolerant it is perfect.   I leave it in the blender and store in the fridge.  When I want some I throw it on the base and blend for a couple seconds to re-create the foam.  If you use Splenda the carb count is only about 2 grams per cup !!

Enjoy !

~Blessings~
                 Lisa

Planning Ahead for Christmas ~ A Few Things

 I am not one of those folks who starts the Christmas season in October but this particular post requires a bit of planning before the season arrives so I am writing it in November so you might choose a new tradition.

One of my most favorite books is The Twenty-Four Days Before Christmas by Madeleine L'Engle.  It has been a family favorite for many, many years. We read it aloud over several nights and it is a special tradition at our house.  In the story, the family does something each day of December to celebrate the coming Baby and His birthday.  It can be something small like hanging a wreath to something big like decorating the tree.  We try and do something each day and in addition to it just being plain fun, it spreads the lovely season out slowly.

Here are a few suggestions. Of course, you will have your own traditions and activities you use in your family.

Day 1 ~  Put up the Advent Wreath and explain all it represents

Day 2 ~  Make a Jesse Tree

Day 3 ~  Have the kids help make a card list and if they are old enough address some

Day 4 ~  Put up Christmas lights outside

Day 5 ~  Watch one of the Christmas movies or shows. Also, before bed,  the kids put out their shoes by the fireplace for St. Nicholas'  Feast Day !

Day 6 ~  For Catholics this is St. Nicholas' Day and the kids wake to find treats left in their shoes by the fireplace.

Day 7 ~  Hunt for your Christmas Tree

Day 8 ~  Decorate the tree

Day 9 ~  Make sugar cookie dough and create lovely cut out Christmas cookies

Day 10 ~  Have the children make home made Christmas cards for a local old folks' home

Day 11 ~  Get Christmas coloring books out

Day 12 ~  Make a new tradition of reading a favorite Christmas book aloud in the evening when everyone is home

Day 13 ~  Set up the Nativity Scene

Day 14 ~  Make a Christmas treat like pretzels, peanuts, marshmallows dipped in chocolate

Day 15 ~ Have the kids make snowflakes for the windows.  There are a ton of great tutorials online on how to make these beauties out of coffee filters, paper, cupcake cups, etc.

Day 16 ~ Decorate the mantle

Day 17 ~ Have the kids create a red and green paper chain to hang somewhere as decoration or for the tree

Day 18 ~ Make a popcorn garland for either the tree or hanging above a window maybe with cranberries or red beads mixed in for color. We've even put them on a small tree outside for the birds.

Day 19  ~ Make candy houses (I have a very easy method I'll post soon)

Day 20 ~ etc, etc, etc

    You get the gist!!  Think of all the things you normally do, spread them out over days and days  then add some more by looking on line or asking friends for ideas.  Ask Grandma and/or Grandpa if there was something special their family did when they were little, adopt that tradition then invite them over for that day to participate.   There are so many ideas.  

Make it fun, stress free, simple.  Each day need not trump the previous days. Simplicity is lovely.

   We have had days in December when some sort of medical disaster strikes (like every other month!) but then whoever is home does something very simple.  Last year I had 4 mini strokes and was in the hospital for a short time but then I was banned from driving until January!!  I thought it was going to be such a nightmare but it was really one of the most wonderful Decembers/Advents I had ever spent because I was home every day and we did such fun things. 

   If you are a working Mom make it super simple by spreading out the decorating for a week or more.  Maybe doing more of the reading aloud or instead of making cookie dough buying it ready made then all that has to be done is roll 'em out and they can use the cookie cutters to their heart's content!   Cut out cookies are always a big hit here even with the kids who are grown up!

   Last but never least is the spiritual planning for Advent. There are many websites and books with ideas and How To's for the Liturgical Season of Advent. It is a very special time of waiting for the Christ child and realizing we owe all to Him who will come as a baby....simple, pure, wonderful.  It's a time for waiting, for penance in a different way than Lent. 

   In the middle of our Advent wreath we have a little wooden cradle and the children try and fill it up with straw for the coming Babe. A piece of straw (a small piece of yellow yarn) can be placed in the cradle every time they do a good deed, refrain from something naughty, do a secret thing for a sibling, scripture reading,  doing without a treat, etc.  It's their way of using their sacrifices to line the cradle with soft straw so Baby Jesus can lay in comfort on His birthday.  It's awesome to see the amount of straw grow each day as the kids try hard to do good, gain self mastery and avoid doing the sort of automatic sibling mean thing they do without thinking. This causes them to pause and think.

I hope there is an idea or two you can use. If you have any we can adopt, leave a description in the comments box !

  ~Blessings~
                    Lisa

  

Thanksgiving ~ Do What You Can Do

 Happy Thanksgiving from our house to yours.  It is such a lovely holiday, so full of good things.

I wanted to write and make a confession....I make fake Thanksgiving dinner.  Yup...fake.  I am a perfectionist by birth and it is something I fight all the time.  God decided to try His very best to cure me of this terrible scourge with a few brain surgeries, a couple incurable diseases, a bunch of hardware and devices in this old body and the loss of much of my intelligence. 

After all that you'd think I would be nice and humble huh? Ummmm nope.  I try but it's sort of like pedaling a stationary bike I'm afraid!  What I did learn were limits. Limits on everything.  I learned that doing something is better than doing nothing even if it isn't perfect.  Hence the fake Thanksgiving dinner that I am finally comfortable with and proud of.

I  have always attempted the Hallmark commercial holidays with all the trimmings, but my physical health won't allow some of it anymore.  I am fortunate that I have a house full of males and they really don't even see the details which we gals work so hard at getting....perfect.  This is truly a blessing though because they are happy with anything I create for the holidays as long as there are few vegetables involved.   The family just likes to be together, play games, laugh, give one another a hard time, throw the football and watch "It's A Wonderful Life"while eating pie.

So why write about this?  Because I have joined those out there who are just getting by and want it all to be lovely anyway. 

I Cheat.....
I cook a very large turkey because we have a very large family. I use those turkey bags because my mom used those turkey bags and the bird comes out moist every time.  I do very little to the turkey except rub his outsides with butter which is what my mother in law has always done.  Can you tell I value tradition?  I never put the stuffing in the turkey because my mom has made me a little paranoid about making folks sick if it wasn't cooked properly.....besides I cheat with the stuffing.

My stuffing is good ol' Stove Top Turkey Stuffing because it literally takes maybe 5 minutes to prepare.  It does take a bit longer on Thanksgiving though because I first fry up mild Italian sausage, then add the water, butter and breading mix.  Even with that addition it's still only about 10 minutes.  I then put a couple cans of corn into a sauce pan and heat. Maybe 5 minutes??  The mashed potatoes are Hungry Jack Instant Potatoes....yup...instant potatoes.  It gets even worse....canned gravy.  Then I slide the cranberry sauce out of the can, heat the ready made rolls in the oven and we're good to go!  I do use my best linens, goblets, silver and lovely serving pieces.  We always have candles on the table and music in the background.

I'd say excluding the turkey time, it takes 20-30 minutes to make Thanksgiving dinner here. I should/did feel bad that I don't make everything from scratch but compared to a few years ago when I couldn't even do the cheater dinner, I am a 4 star chef !!

We also make cheater pies. Frozen or ready made crusts, canned pie filling, blah, blah, blah.  I add my own little things to them to make them a bit more home made, but again, the family doesn't seem to notice. Thank You God.

 I have finally learned to be thankful for the ability to make things the easy way, the cheater way, any way at all. I have a friend who has her own take on an old cliche, "If a job is worth doing it's worth doing half way".  That is SO hard for a perfectionist.  But it's ultimately healthy when you have any sort of disability or have had a baby, surgery, a crisis, etc. 

So if you did not make your stuffing from scratch or your pies from scratch or your potatoes from scratch....maybe you used the time to play board games with the kids or sat and listened to an elderly relative. There are precious things out there waiting for our time and traditional or not, my cheater Thanksgiving makes those things possible for me.

~Grateful on Thanksgiving~
Lisa

The Princess and the Pain....

We have a lovely daughter who has been chosen to be the subject of the "Survivor Spotlight" and featured in the INvisible Project of the U.S. Pain Foundation.  This is a campaign creating chronic pain awareness through photography and story. Their mission is to empower, recognize and inform society on the challenges/misperceptions of pain ... while empowering those survivors who refuse to give up, who keep moving forward despite the obstacles.  Mary's story is compelling.

I want to be a nauseating Mommy braggart about Mary being chosen, but I also want to shed some light on a subject that is difficult.  The name is so appropriate.....  the INvisible Project.  Mary recently wrote about being chronically ill with several progressive and incurable disorders/diseases and she named the most difficult part as being INVISIBLE.  However, she also feels it is her call from God to suffer well, not inconvenience others, to serve instead of being served and to get herself and anyone around her to heaven.  She smiles, laughs, sings, serves....and suffers.

Invisible.  It is a more difficult word than you might imagine for those with chronic illness that cannot be seen from the outside.  At our house , learning to live with chronic illness is part of the growing up process since all of our children are affected.  Some more than others.  Ed and I make it a priority and goal that these kids learn to suffer well, do not become self centered or live in chronic self pity, but recognize the many blessings they have.  None of this is to negate the difficulty of chronic illness and pain, it stinks, but we choose instead to focus on what is positive and good since we cannot change the facts.

Our family, like many other folks with pain sits precariously on a razor's edge.  We do not want to project our "stuff" on to others, we do not want pity, we want to be independent, we do not want to stand out, yet the very things we do to cope, make us rather invisible and this is painful. This is even more profound for our boys who, by the nature of being male, never talk to others about their illnesses. If we rarely talk about the medical mumbo-jumbo then we can get away with looking relatively normal for a period of time. This, however, can cause us to feel invalidated as if the real person doesn't exist, is invisible .

Healthy people go about a regular routine without having to think. For those with pain issues it takes so much more effort, energy, planning and then paying the piper when they are done. Everything has to be thought about. That in itself is exhausting.  There is a wonderful, thought provoking  explanation  called "The Spoon Theory" written by a gal with Lupus, Christine Miserandino.  Please take the time to read it at  her website http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ .  It will help anyone who wants to understand others with chronic illness. 

I guess I am writing this because after all these years, all the La-La-La-ing (what we call making everything lovely for everyone else), all the surgeries, bald heads, treatments, studies, needles, traveling, symptoms, medicines (more than 110 doses per day in our home) we still do not have the answers.  Do we fake it or do we share?  In what ratio?  There are folks who cannot handle hearing about medical at all and others who want all the gory details.  This makes it a challenge to La-La-La.   It is a constant balancing act.  I think it is important to make others feel comfortable and informed if they are asking. I know this is a controversial stance but I have never seen a benefit to shoving our diseases and the limitations they place on us in anyone's face. That sort of militant stance of "deal with it" is, I deeply feel, unproductive.

  Another factor for those with chronic illness, is coping with others' loss of interest in something that may take your life or that of one of your children. That makes your days very unlike theirs. When an illness is first found it is a huge deal for everyone and is most likely met with love, compassion, help, calls, cards, inquiries of health. Unfortunately when the illness is chronic, progressive, does not get "better", the newness fades away.  This is particularly difficult because you become....drum roll please....invisible.  Though this fact is acutely painful, there is no blame or fault in play here. It's just the way it IS.  Friends and family cannot maintain the level of care that was shown at the beginning of the medical journey over years and years. It's just not possible even if they care deeply.  Even as things progress and get more difficult, most folks involved become immune to the real life drama unfolding behind the scenes at home.  A new diagnosis becomes just "another" diagnosis.

Thankfully there is a wonderful, huge, world-wide, understanding community of those who suffer. The advent of the internet has been a huge blessing in this realm. To be able to connect with others who share the same diagnosis' is invaluable.  It is a place where no one is invisible if they choose to communicate. 

We liken it to living in different worlds. The one where people think you're fine and "isn't it wonderful how well you handle things"...then the other community of medical folks who "get it".  They know when you're La-La-La-ing and can see right through it.  I have several close friends who share our diagnosis who I either have never met or have seen only a few times at Ronald McDonald House. They are such a huge blessing to me and I can call them when I just cannot maintain La-La-La "normal".  I suppose we just keep our feet firmly planted in both worlds....a bit of a split personality never hurt anyone right?

The challenge then, is being diligent about not becoming resentful, and sharing just enough to re-appear from the invisibilty that weighs down upon those with chronic illness.

I find the closing of this post difficult. I do not want this to have been a negative post because we put great effort into being positive and we truly are a thankful bunch. Yet, I feel the weight of trying to describe something so....well....invisible.  I feel I have not, can not really describe this invisibility and it's inevitable difficulty. I will let the coming story and photographs of our daughter and others make all of us visible.

~Many Blessings~
Lisa

One More Sign of the Times

My wonderful husband is a U.S. Letter Carrier, you know, a mailman, postman or dog bait...whatever you prefer.

Twenty-seven years ago Ed started in the post office in our home state of California.  It certainly doesn't seem that long ago but I now romanticize the days when he knew every customer on his route, took mail up to and sometimes inside the door of the elderly folks who needed a little visit and walked most of his route.  There were still individual mailboxes and the little jeep mail trucks! 

At Christmas he would be bombarded with candy, cookies, gift certificates, cash, wine, and all kinds of crafty things. It was so lovely.  In the summer, customers would leave sodas in the mailbox for him and sometimes a treat.  So Norman Rockwell.  He had a walking route and a bag. He had a spic-and-span uniform and a code that stated his hair could not touch his collar, no facial hair and his uniform needed to be clean and ironed.  I used to get up at 4 AM and get his uniform ironed for his day.

We have been blessed several times to live on his route. We would then get to see Daddy everyday for lunch. This was so exciting!  Way back when he would come home and put babies to nap while I fixed his lunch.  What a guy...now that's service!  We live on his route now and we love seeing him everyday plus I get my mail delivered right into my kitchen!

He has always loved his job but it doesn't even begin to resemble what it once was.  There is little time to visit with customers because the P.O. keeps tight tabs on their letter carriers with time checks on a scanner all through the routes. Christmas time is pretty sparse comparatively and he doesn't know as many people on his route because they have those big grey boxes in their neighborhoods with many mailboxes all together, away from their houses. There's rarely one~on~one at the fence or mailbox anymore. 

I suppose it's another sign of the times in which we now live. I cannot pinpoint why or exactly when it happened, this impersonal way of doing things, but it has arrived and Norman Rockwell would be sad.  We experience this too with a hobby our family has. Are ya ready.....square dancing!  It's is so much fun, such a family, a lovely social circle and great exercise! Almost everyone in our family has had lessons and danced for years. The square dance community is like family to us as we have no family here.  Like the old days of the Post Office there is the same phenomenon going on in Square Dancing.  People just don't take the time to come out and dance like they used to. Many take lessons but something keeps them at home instead of coming out to dances.  I wish I understood it.  Gone are the days of a social club and commitments to the good of a group.

                            Three of the kids at a square dance demo

 

                       Mary teaching a little friend and fellow Wish Child how to sqaure dance

We have always loved that group of folks because among other things, it's great for the kids to meet and mingle with adults from 18 to 98...literally. We have dancers at the Hall in their 90's !  The kids have met wonderful people with amazing stories. One of the elderly couples who do not dance anymore used to come just to socialize. The gentleman is a veteran of WWII and was in the crowd of heros who stormed the beach at Normandy!!  What a treat for my boys. He loved speaking to them about it and after one evening of visiting, took me aside with tears and thanked me for having sons who wanted to listen to his stories.  He was so pleased someone cared.   This is life. This is happiness. This is old fashioned I guess.  We are old fashioned and we like it that way.

I guess I have a hard time with change when it affects relationships, whether it's Ed's postal customers or watching young people connect less and less. We are less and less personal with one another as time and technology march forward.  I don't see anything positive in this depersonalization. I hope that my children will learn to listen to old folks, be respectful to middle aged folks and connect with young folks their age. Really connect not just by social media, not by cell phones, but board games, walks, sports, dinners out.  This is where relationships are built.

Oh well, in our little neck o' the woods we still love the postman and square dancing !  Sounds like we're a bunch of geeks!

~Blessings~
Lisa

I think I have a chef...

My son Bobby is a blooming chef.  If I am in the kitchen he is in the kitchen.  I decided to write this momentous post because this is the kid who loves to stay home instead of going anywhere....ever.  He is just our homebody. These two unrelated facts will make sense later.

At our house Saturday morning is always pancake morning.  I make homemade pancakes on the griddle. Not the stuff out of the bag....the kids will not eat that stuff, I do not know why.  I have tried to trick them on multiple occasions but as soon as the first bite hits their mouth all eyes are on me. Sheesh.  So one Saturday morn Bobby comes and asks if he can help me !  I was thrilled. I let him measure out all the ingredients and stir. 

Week after week he'd ask to do one more thing until he now makes the pancakes as well as our home made waffles on Sunday!!  Then one evening as I was planning dinner he saunters in and asks if he can make our home made spaghetti sauce! Really?  You're an 11yr old boy !  Okie dokie...and he was awesome.  Now tacos are on his menu as well.

Letting the kids in the kitchen has always been a tradition in our family. My mom always let me try to cook and bake and so did my favorite friend Rita. She was my Mom's best friend from the country, and I was just a kid but she made me feel I was important and grown up. Both felt kids should learn to be in the kitchen regardless of the annoyance it might be, the mess that might be made or the sometimes sketchy results.  I am thankful for this, so it was natural for me to have my children follow the same tradition.

All of our children can cook.  It was just lovely and nice until it became needed.  With several pregnancies spent on bedrest (actually I called it couch jail) and then brain surgery and then another, these kids kept the house going for extended periods. And they did it well. Dad had to go to work and there were many children here that needed 3 meals a day.  My children were absolutely awesome and we made schedules of who was making what on what days.  They also did all the chores, laundry and helped with school work.  I soon learned that what was a nice tradition was a vital skill in a world that values other things.  This house went liked clockwork during more than one difficult time. 

Back to the chef.  This fine Saturday morning, the boy who never wants to go anywhere asks if WE are going grocery shopping today for Thanksgiving.   He was beaming and wanted to know exactly when we were going.  I just love it!!  I don't know why but it has made my day.  Normally he stays at the house when I go or I have to insist he go.  I'm not sure what has inspired this adventurous change.

I have to hurry and get my shower while Bob makes the pancake batter then we'll get breakfast going and off to the store....

~Blessings~
Lisa

Just SAY It....

I have been blessed by an introverted husband and 6 introverted children out of our 8. However, this presents a challenge for a gabby girl like myself.  It literally took me years to recognize that being happy was not, as I perceived, about talking and laughing all the time.

I had a very special friend, Mary, who was herself quite introverted. She taught me well, that allowing shy children to hang onto my leg while we went to visit would ensure that they let go much sooner than if I was incessantly telling them to go play with the other children, pushing them away from me.  She was always so good at giving advice without me realizing I was being instructed.  Well, her advice worked and I learned that to let them be themselves, as different from me as that was, made them more secure, more confident and led to more good times for them.

This lesson carried over to my husband.  I learned that the very situations that exhilarated me, caused him to be acutely stressed.  People are just too fun to me. All kinds of people from all kinds of places talking about all kinds of things......yippeee.  For him that meant too much noise, too many people at one time, too much effort at trying to talk to people he didn't even know. Stress.

I recently read an excellent book that I recommend highly to anyone who loves an introvert. And, by the way, an introvert is not necessarily shy according to the author. The book is called Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.  It's by Susan Cain and is meticulously researched.  I learned so much about my children, my husband and all people who are not extroverts.  It explains the strengths of introverts in a world that overly values extroverts or extrovert impostors.  Excellent read.

As to the title of this post....Just SAY It.  This is what I consistently want to say to the introverts in my life. However, it isn't that easy. My extroverted kids and I tend to say too much. The results many times requires an apology. The opposite is true in our family of introverts; at times they have much to say but do not. This causes problems as you might imagine. Feeling they are not heard, that their opinion is not respected, even anger as they push down what apparently needs to come out.  I, of course, could not even fathom this as I am a big mouth and love to talk to anyone.  I also find myself having to apologize not infrequently (although it's less and less as I age). Sometimes my words come out so fast they bypass my intellect completely. It's lame and I hate it. Sigh......   This is not a problem for most of my family. How nice for them.

However, feeling unable to say what one wants to say is equally frustrating.  We cope with this on a daily basis here and I try and teach my children that it is only in communication that they might hope to get what they need or want or to convey something meaningful.  Not an easy job folks.  It's like them asking me to be totally quiet for a week...won't happen for me. 

 

Introverts have many, many qualities that were highly valued in the 19th century. The book tells the unfortunate story of how 20th century society made introversion a pathology. It is terrible really. But, the book also gives great hope and understanding regarding this personality type and it is well worth the time to read it. If you love someone who is an introvert it will give you GREAT insight into how they think, what gives them energy, pleasure, stress and the riches inside those quiet exteriors.

~Blessings~

Lisa

On being a Mom

   What happens if we view being a Mommy as a privilege and not a grind?  What if we begin to see the daily maintenance work we do (that perpetually gets UN-done) is not meaningless but in the end really does matter?

   I am at a different place in my Mommy life now. With our youngest two turning 12 soon, it is still sometimes strange to me to not be totally exhausted at the end of every day and covered in either playdough remnants or the last meal I fixed or spilled milk.  As much work as those days were, they are so precious to me. Because I tried my best (and many days failed) to make each day important. Because I tried like a crazy woman not to lose my temper or use my words in a hurtful way, I look back on those days with gentle pride at a huge effort fairly well done.  

   At the time they were all young, I remember thinking I wanted to be able to look back and be proud not regretful of my vocation.  I was blessed with several older women who shared how important the days with all the children young and at home were. I tried to keep their words in front of me even on the days nothing went right. One gal in particular who had successfully raised a family of 9, once told me how damaging it is to yell at children. She said when I was angry my voice should get more and more quiet and they would listen. Do you know that works???  

    We had 8 children in 14 years and lost 8 to miscarriage.  I am so proud of the size of our brood! I know some will gag when they read that but it was our goal. It was a need, a want, a sacrifice, a vocation from God that we have a large family and I was always continually thankful because I am an only child !!  Yes, an only child.  When the kids were little I recall sort of looking into my life from the outside thinking how cool it was, this big, huge, loud family!  It was so foreign to my upbringing. How did I even know what I was doing?  Don't have a clue.  God knew. God blessed us with this huge family and we have a lovely, loud, boy heavy gang.  Our poor girls have lived with 7 males for a long time.  No man bashing here but that is quite a feat you know.

   We have had so many forts built, trees climbed, bones broken, Legos scattered, toilets clogged, and everything else that you might imagine in a large family....but it has been cool!!  I had no brothers. Watching my boys build blanket forts, make creative costumes, use anything and everything for a sword, amazed me. It was just cool!  The girls are both girly girls and always had home made dresses and cute hair with bows and ribbons.  No wonder I was a picture taking fool...still am.

    I want the world to start recognizing how incredibly important stay at home Moms are.  How did that change in such a short time?  How did such a high calling fall to the ground with a thud in the eyes of the world?  Maybe that's the issue....the eyes of the world.  How's it going out there?  Not so hot.  It will only change from within the family. By warm, loving, disciplined, sacrificial families who know God is in charge. 

   All you Mommas out there who work your tails off every day and night are awesome. You are the future because what you teach your kids, how you model goodness and yes holiness, is how the craziness is going to get better.  You have to persevere when you feel your education is being "wasted", when others think what you do isn't valuable because there isn't a paycheck, when you can't dress in the latest fashions because you are just happy to have gotten your underwear on straight!  You are one of the two most important people in your children's lives. You are the hero, the safety net, the party coordinator, the driver, the nurse, the chef, the story reader and the pillow for a sleeping child. You are everything to your children, you are important. 

   Try and sit back every once in a while and just watch them. Watch them be kids. Take a million and one pictures. Create a journal if your kids are older. Do what you have to, to create and keep memories of this wonderfully hard time :)

It's priceless.

Love ya Mommas~

Lisa

Babies

   

    Lately I have been unusually mindful of all the babies I see everywhere. Mary and I were at Children's yesterday in Hem/Onc and there was the most precious Indian baby with a beautiful tiny face and BIG lungs !  The head nurse came and asked if we wanted to be moved because of her ongoing crying and I told her I had 8 babies....what crying?  She cracked up.  I made sure I went over to the pod where the little gal was with her parents, being accessed for IV drugs, and told them to please not stress because she didn't bother us at all. They visibly relaxed.

    I remember acutely feeling people's stares when my babies were crying for whatever reason. My stress at those times did not come from an irritation with my baby, but from my perceived inconveniencing of others. Isn't that how we as Mothers feel so often? That we are bothering others.  This leads me to recall a most beloved priest from Poland who was at our parish.  He got up one Sunday and said," All you parents who are trying to keep your children well behaved, or who take them out constantly or even leave early are the ones who should be up front here in the first pews near me. Those children need to see what's going on and they will behave because they can see. If they are out of hand it is appropriate for you to take them out and discipline or speak to them but please bring them right back in and come up front to the first few pews because you are not bothering me at all. I want you here."  He told those who got irritated, that Sunday Mass was a family affair and if they were looking for silence they should go to Adoration. Children were to be welcomed as far as he was concerned. It was awesome!  It was wonderful. I felt I had a right to be there with our big brood.

   Isn't this picture peaceful? Our son Joe took this. Peaceful...... Good Gracious, NO. I was forever trying to keep kids quiet, amused, off the floor, turned around properly instead of staring at some poor soul behind us ! With Mary, as a toddler she had this shoe love and would take off under the pews and get away. We'd have to go get her from some unsuspecting lady with great shoes!!  It was work let me tell you.  I tell newer Moms all the time that I didn't hear a homily for 20 years. I have walked 6 million miles across the back of churches with babies and at the end with twins !!!  I have to admit it's pretty nice to now get to sit for all of Mass and not be hopping up and down doing Mommy calisthenics !  I always want to go tell the younger Mom's that they are doing an awesome job. That getting there is a miracle in itself and that it is awesome they care enough to wear themselves out just so the family attends Mass.

   So what is this almost 50 years old and seeing babies everywhere thing??  Is it the pre-Grandma business going on?  I don't even have any kids married yet so I have a long wait. Pout face. My husband is a baby guy. He is a toddler guy. He is a kid guy.  It's one of the most attractive things about him. This must be why we have 8 kids. Duh.  We both make the stupidest faces at babies in the store or at Children's Hospital. The parents probably worry about us.  I usually blurt out we have 8 children then they just think we're nuts instead of dangerous.

   I miss babies. I miss Pooh Bear. I miss how they smell when they're born...there is nothing on earth like it...nothing.  I miss snuggling in bed with them. I miss being up super early in the morning having quiet time before everyone else was up.  I miss high chairs and little spoons. I miss sippy cups, binkies and the way a baby beams when you walk in the door.  I miss bath time and how wonderful a newly washed toddler smells. I miss doing those wooden puzzles with them, counting on fingers and toes and singing Little Ducky Duddle.  I miss how my now 22 year old son would crawl into bed with us every morning at 4 AM and get cozy. 

I miss babies...sniff, sniff. 

Can anyone lend me one for awhile please?

HELP!!

~Blessings~

Lisa

  

  

Thankful All Year Long

   With Thanksgiving just around the proverbial corner, my thoughts today as we spent hours at Children's Hospital, turned towards thankful-ness as an essential part of a happy life. To be thankful is, I believe, a virtue not a natural personality trait.

   It is relatively easy and somewhat cliche to be thankful on Thanksgiving or around this wonderful holiday and time of year, but how about when things are difficult, unfair perhaps?  How about when we are persecuted for our religious views, our political views, our race, the size of our family, our choices or a disability?  When things are just not fair, are we thankful?  This is probably the hardest thing for human beings, we all yearn for FAIR. 

   We yearn for this not only because it is just and right but because at the root of all yearning is Christ who is all fair but we will not find the sort of fair-ness we yearn for until the next life.  We can though, get closer than this yearning for fair-ness by getting closer to God through cultivating and exercising a thankful attitude at ALL times.

  With the huge amount of "unfair" medical diagnosis' our family carries I have learned through these years to be thankful for so many things, many of them not deserving as such, the energy of "thankful."  It began with my own health problems early on. I learned after first being sick 30 some years ago, that talking about it all the time, complaining, sighing and holding my head, didn't elicit what I wanted from anyone. It didn't cause them to want to help or say "What's wrong, do you need to talk about it?".  I'm quite sure now, it caused the opposite effect, with folks not wanting to hear it.  Even when we or a loved one is very sick, even when we have people who love us, even when we are normally a lovely person....even with all that, no one can hear negative medical mumbo jumbo for long without being worn out or wanting to run. This is just fact no matter how much they may love us.....it is not personal as personal as it may feel.

   I am thankful I learned early this was not the way to cope. I am so thankful I learned this early because I had NO IDEA what was coming in the future with my wonderful children.  I learned this from the Saints. I am a committed Catholic and a voracious reader. I devoured books on the Saints. These men and women who have gone before me with heroic virtue gave me the blue print for getting through the hardest things in life, namely watching children suffer and waiting in a surgical waiting room for the umpteenth time wondering if you will see them again.  Saints. The perfect teachers of suffering and the value therein.  Did I say value in suffering you say???   Ummmmm yes.  Actually Yeah!  If you can find anyone on the planet who has not or will not suffer you win the million dollars. Since I do not have a million dollars that means I am certain I am right....I love to be right.  That's not very humble is it?  I didn't claim to learn everything the Saints wanted to teach me....just suffering so far.

   After years of hidden suffering, really, silent school for that is what it was......learning the ropes of how to suffer well, I graduated to watching my husband suffer then my children. Boy oh boy is that a whole other ballgame.  Get the books out again. I learned more about God, more about what my religion taught about suffering; vast writings on how to do this well. I learned too, about people, about people's sinfulness amidst their good intentions, about how much Ed and I and our children could endure and still smile, be happy, and yes thankful.   People ask me frequently how I do it. How do I run our 3-ring medical circus for years now and still remain happy.  It's because it's what God wants for me and for them. It has greater meaning and there is a greater good for every difficult thing that happens. Even when my emotions tell me different....especially when my emotions tell me different.  I must KNOW God has a greater good planned.

    Maybe the value, the greater good in it, is for someone else who will see the suffering and learn. Maybe it's for others to learn to suffer because their cross is coming. Would we deny them this?  When I know as fact, that God has allowed physical and/or mental suffering, when it is in concrete in my brain and deep in my heart, it just IS truth because God has allowed it. Period. Simple.   Maybe not so simple.

   I do though, ask for help. I ask God in the shower for grace to just get through that day only. I know I can do anything for 1 day, JUST ONE LORD.  I don't get ahead of myself too often or I will be nuts. God calls me to today only and gives me the grace for today and it's problems.  I can do anything for ONE DAY. Even be grateful when it doesn't look as if there is anything to be grateful about. WARNING:  those every days have turned into years of experiencing and observing a great deal of physical suffering....and we are fine, really !  God wins.

    There are too many awesome, beyond coincidental things that have happened over the years that show me all the good God does with our mess for me to doubt.  I couldn't even write them all here, it would be a book.  The thread through it all, is being thankful for the smallest things. Thankful for mistakes and screw ups even.  It's believing people want the good for us in the medical world and then finding the good in them as people not just as physicians and nurses and receptionists. This has made a huge difference. We connect. We rarely complain about our doctors because we know our diseases are rare and many of the docs cannot possibly know all about them since they may see one or two cases in their career.  We try to think outside of ourselves.

   We try to be as understanding as a lovely warm grandma and as slick as foxes. For everything I try to be sweet about, my brain is also constantly making sure things are done correctly behind the scenes.  I check and recheck things. I make sure tests are ordered properly with my cheerful little voice. I thank everyone I deal with even when they make a mistake. If we show up for a 1 hour test and it's 4 hours....no problem we always bring things to do...always. Then I promise a Frosty afterward!  People make mistakes...often. I don't think I've ever had one whole day without a mistake so to get grumpy at some poor tech when the details are not quite right is fruitless and doesn't further anything for either of us. We have changed some one's day by NOT giving them a hard time. They are thankful right back when we say, "Don't worry about it, you were probably doing a million things. I'm just thankful you can get it done". We never get a jerk after we try and understand where that person is coming from. Many times we have another new medical friend. 

    Please don't misunderstand my words as being self centered and prideful. I write because I feel badly that we have so many friends in the medical world who get so angry and/or frustrated every time they deal with their specialists or techs or insurance company.  There is always something to be thankful for even in the worst circumstances or God wouldn't allow it. So I try to take a breath and know God could change things by the movement of his little pinky...does he have a pinky....hmmmm have to think about that.

    Even in pediatric ICU where we have literally spent months, we insist the kids say thank you for everything the nurse does for them even if it hurts.  They will have these diseases forever and if they don't learn that these people are trying to help, they will be resentful and bitter.  They must thank the folks who bring their food tray and the cleaning folks too. If Ed and I teach nothing else, these kids must learn to deal with their medical in a constructive way so they never think the world is about them because they are sick.  So far everyone is doing well with it...whew.  They see us shoot the bull with everyone who comes in the room, they see us laugh and get personal with these folks, that the doctors come in with a cup of coffee and sits down for a visit and it becomes a family because we have to be there so often.  The kids have good memories about all their hospital visits believe it or not!!  We create positive experiences amidst difficult medical conditions and take lots of pictures of smiles and they go back over them again and again.  We also are very careful not to verbally abuse the people who take care of them. This undermines their trust.

    I guess what I'm trying to say, is even in circumstances that you would think would be awful, they aren't when you know who's Boss and are thankful for ALL things that happen easy or hard, fair or unfair.  It really is all in how you look at something.  It's about recognizing expectations will make you miserable if they are in stone. God is not stone. He does not want us in stone.  If we are, He has to use a jack hammer to get to our hearts.  Ouch.

   Make a commitment to be thankful every time you're ticked off. Find the one thing that is good, that is helpful, that is not terrible. I have practiced this through clenched teeth believe me. If you practice this over and over it happens naturally after awhile and life becomes much easier until we get to the next life where everything is fair and wonderful and deserving of our thankful spirit for eternity.

~Blessings~
Lisa