Suffering...Grab the Red Cape

You know, suffering is one of those things you will just not escape from.  You can certainly try hard. Americans are masters at trying to escape from anything hard, anything painful. Just check the rate at which anti-depressants are taken. (This is not to negate those who need them for true bio-chemical needs) Then check the rates of alcoholism and drug abuse.

Why the title Grab the Red Cape? Because charging towards your suffering like a bull will often alleviate it and if it is more minor take it away all together. It may take some time and work, but facing pain and suffering will make you an awesome human being. If it is physical it can bring you freedom from resentment and keep you in the game of life. If the pain and suffering is not physical in nature it can actually put it behind you forever!  This is freedom.

If you do not...it will not be pretty. Not for you or anyone around you. You can hide it, you can stuff it way down deep, but it will stay there and rot and fester. It will pop up when you least expect it and in ways you do not recognize.

It must be dealt with and embraced. Suffering is okay....really.

Believe or not I have a right to say this. My family and I have some experience here, some serious down and dirty suffering. Twelve brain surgeries on 7 of us in 6 years. Seven spinal cord surgeries in that same time frame and throw in multiple other surgeries we call minor but that's only in our world compared to brain and spine. It's easily been 40 surgeries. We've spent months in ICU and collectively 2 years across country away from our home for medical reasons leaving children and family. It's been tough.

We have watched children suffer in many different ways.....you parents out there know how many ways your heart can be torn apart. My husband and children have watched me suffer and continue to do so.  This could turn into a book if I write about my family alone. I just wanted to give some credibility to my knowledge of, battle with and overcoming (most of the time) of pain. This is not a silly, flippant blog post. I care, have knowledge of and want to help in the realm of suffering.

I once was on retreat with a wonderful priest who said something so interesting. He said this country is one of the few where when asked ,"How are you?" we respond ,"Fine" whether we are or not. The question isn't really a question. It's a nicety, a greeting. We rarely share what is real.

We seem to feel that suffering is, in some way, a failure. That suffering is going to make us a lesser person or permanently scar us somehow.  It doesn't have to.

Another pathology that is deadly to the soul and mind is the need to somehow retaliate for suffering, to make whomever caused suffering pay....and pay big if possible. We feel something is owed to us if the suffering was caused by another human being or corporation or even God.

I beg to differ on all accounts.

I am certainly glad I do not say this in person or I  might get hurt.

Cases in point....

1. I have watched parents go after physicians because their child came out better after surgery but didn't come out perfect when they knew this was a possibility (especially in neurosurgery) and no mistakes were made. They wanted perfection and there is no perfection on this earth.

2. We had a landlord once who lost a beloved husband early on. She was so angry at God that this shaped the rest of her life and she aimed that anger and resentment at everyone. That one incident of suffering (a terrible one of course)...that one shoving down of anger and hurt at God re-shaped her whole personality. We met her years after the incident and it was not pretty. She actually would tell us why her life was ruined and point to the day and time God took her husband and how he had ruined her life and that it was all his fault. Sad.

3.I have seen and experienced law suits over accidents multiple times. If there is no intent then it is just an accident.  We were hit and our car was totaled on the way home from Children's Hospital. I had children in the car who had multiple spinal cord and brain surgeries as did I. Her insurance company hounded us about what we were going to do. It was so shocking to me, then it dawned on Ed and I because of an unjust lawsuit against us, that they expected us to go after her. Finally they handed it off to a big wig at the company (who ended up a lovely gal) who actually came to our home and told us we could easily get $500,000.00 or more without going to court because of the rare diseases/disorders the kids and I have and the nature of the accident. Geez!  I asked them again, like I did the day of the accident, if there was anything illegal she had done that day....

 She was not drunk
She was not texting
She was not on her phone
It was bad weather
It was just getting dark
It was terrible traffic
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

She did not wake up that morning intending on hurting me or my children. We told them it would be morally wrong for us to demand money for an ACCIDENT and we did not.

To us lawsuits are for bad intent or broken laws such as drunk driving or texting while driving or in the case of a physician, operating while under the influence or without a license. The other types of lawsuits cause more suffering and they alleviate nothing. The money gained will not help suffering at all it only lengthens it's stay and thickens the resentments. I have watched it in friends pursuing lawsuits that went on for years. Yes, they received a tidy sum but no amount of cash can be worth that garbage in your soul.

Have you ever met someone who has suffered a lot and done it well? Have you ever read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom?  Wonderful book. She was a Holocaust survivor who forgave completely.  She found many blessings in a situation that would seem to have none. There are many people who suffered in history like her, who were far better for having been through the fire and came out in the end as fine, polished steel.

All the Saints suffered and could tell you that they came far closer to God through their suffering than they did through any other means. There are endless books out there of folks who have suffered. Pick one up, heck pick up ten if you suffer. You will see it can be done well....and maybe even with some style and humor! When you suffer in this way you keep and gather even more friends and family! People are drawn to those who suffer well.

When you think about the lessons you have learned in your life they are generally learned through hard knocks or sickness or death or suffering of some sort. Rarely are deeply meaningful lessons learned through fluffy life situations. They just aren't. When you take a step back and view suffering without the emotion it is a helpful tool for us. We grow tremendously through it. It is acutely uncomfortable no doubt, but if we can step back from the anger or sadness or whichever emotion is dominant we can see God working to change us.

Don't you pray for ....

Patience?

Temperance?

Kindness?

Joy?

Happiness?

Forbearance?

Wisdom?

Peace?

Be very careful what you pray for because God will give you reasons to USE those and suffering is the reason folks! You have to exercise virtues in order to be good at them and suffering fits the bill....sorry. 

If you fight against suffering, if you hate, if you want someone to pay, if you want others to suffer because you suffer, how exactly do you attain the above virtues? Yeah...it stinks.

There is a learning curve of suffering. You learn to separate the emotions and the intellect. You do feel the intense emotions of suffering but your intellect must tell you God allows this for some greater good for you or others or both. You must listen to this and it has to be the primary driving force of your actions NOT emotions.  It's learning to accept. 

The emotions are too fickle. They are acceptable, they are okay and we need to accept them as real because they are ours, but they cannot be in the driver's seat because they can be destructive. They are childlike.  They want to throw sand in the sandbox of life. The intellect has to drive the spiritual and intellectual bus and our minds and conscience should be well formed.  This tells us we forgive, we accept suffering as a gift from God, we use it and go on without fanfare, without complaining and without compensation, be that a pat on the back, an apology or cash.

God knows and the rewards are later in Heaven. We should use our suffering to serve others. And this red cape business again? Yeah, we must learn in some way or other to walk towards our fears and anger or hurt like a bull charging that red cape. Running away always makes things much worse always. The emotions fester, multiply and get uglier.

If we stuff suffering down deep we cannot get rid of the emotions that come with it. If suffering comes in the form of old hurts we may need to work on forgiving. If it is conflict we may have to write a letter or have a conversation as hard as that may be. If it is being walked on or abused by others, maybe some boundaries are in order. If we are doing the walking or abusing we may need to learn some self control. Find someone who is healthy to help you find the ways to do this.

I realize it is easy to write that paragraph and it is not easy at all to carry any one of those out. Any one of those can provoke intense anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. Even if you pick just one and work on  thinking about it then maybe making a plan of action or talking to a friend or counselor about how to do it, I guarantee some of your emotions will be defused. Taking any sort of positive action at all will always take the air out of a balloon of emotional garbage....always.

Action towards the good is so helpful. Action towards the negative just perpetuates the negative and you stay in the garbage. Period.

Do a comparison. Have you ever known someone who suffers well? Who smiles and laughs despite difficult circumstances? I know many of those kinds of folks and they are amazing. We have spent a great deal of time with families who suffer daily and will continue to for a lifetime....with no end. They inspire me. Now, do you know those who are bitter, complaining and feel they are entitled to something because they suffer?  Oh boy....they make you want to RUN.  You tune them out because they have nothing to give....they take.  They feel justified in their pain and suffering.

Letting go helps you.....hanging on hurts you...period.  Even if you feel justified. Even if you feel you are in the right. Looking good in your justification and pride gets you where?  For how long? Until the next drama?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want to be at peace?

Have you ever looked at a crucifix?

'Nough said.

This is not real life. This is the waiting room for Eternal Life where there is no suffering. Suffering is preparing us for the Party folks. It prepares us to shine. It prepares us to do good for others and put them before ourselves if we can endure and be kind and smile (even when it hurts, even when it's hard). It refines us, rounds our sharp corners. It slows us down, helps take the scales from our eyes if we allow it.  Run towards it, do not hide. You will be a better person if you face it squarely and head on. Get out from under the covers.  It really is a skill, you can get good at.

Suffering is okay. Really.

~Blessings~
Lisa

Fall.....Again!

I absolutely, positively love Fall so am I reposting last year's post including some new pictures......

  We love Fall at our house. I have to admit I go waaaay overboard having grown up on the coast of Northern California where the weather is the same 365 days a year.  When we still lived there I had to create the seasons inside and outside our home with decorations. You'd think I would have let up a bit once we moved to beautiful Washington State where there are definitely 4 seasons but I just couldn't let it go. 
I think I need therapy.





 I have passed my weirdness down to my children who on August 31st asked if they could get the Fall boxes down from the barn attic. It didn't take me long to cheerfully say, "Okay go git 'em!!"  So, on September 1st the festivities began. The mantle is always first then the kitchen with our wonderful pumpkin bowls I got at Michael's for a nifty $1.00 each!  They are so, so cute. There's the oh-so-orange pumpkin cookie jar and the orange cereal bowls too. I then hang my fall themed towels on the stove, put the runner I made down the length of the dining table, which at our house is no small length.  Next is the kitchen window sill. Amongst the various things that sit there, there are two Fall miniature bread crocks always filled with that NASTY Brach's candy corn and Fall mix.  I'm sorry, but that stuff is just plain wax. Candle wax I tell you, and my family loves it. Especially the husband. This is his big treat of the year :)  There is much more decorating but we don't want pages and pages of this right?

  Outside we go berserk and have wreaths, a gazillion pumpkins that have to be just the right shapes; tall and skinny, flat and squatty, perfectly round, the triangle, and the lumpy one. The gold, rust, burgundy and yellow chrysanthemums, and those cute little gourds and pumpkins sit all over the front walkway and flower beds. And cornstalks...oh the cornstalks...I love them. Gosh, I just LOVE Fall, did I mention that?

  Come October we add some Halloween decorations and of course costumes and Trick-or-Treating! This year we had a Duplo, a baseball player and a Pez dispenser! Pretty ingenious eh? The boys made their costumes from scratch and they were awesome. It's so funny to me to only have 3 that Trick-or-Treat. It wasn't long ago that getting 8 kids ready was an all afternoon event. Anyway, the boys made a haul in our neighborhood plus their Nonni always sends more candy money.....oh boy!

   On Nov. 1st, All Saints Day if you're Catholic, we start putting together the Thankful Tree.  I cannot remember where I first saw it or how many years we've been doing it but it's such a great tradition.  It is branches with home made leaves hanging from them. Each leaf has what everyone in the family is thankful for written on them. The kids think of some of the funniest things. The one I always remember is "That my Dad is a pushover".  My husband is always mistakenly thought of as "scary" when folks meet him. Why I do not know. Perhaps it's his size...he's well over 6 feet and very broad shouldered. In other words BIG (but not fat) which is one of things I love about him. He's big and safe and won't let anything happen to me or our family. After folks talk to him a bit they realize he's a big Teddy Bear and his family can get him to do anything. Hence "pushover".  He has a lot of bark and no bite whatsoever. I got off topic talking about my lovely husband.

Our Thankful Tree

   Okay now the tree!! I get one of those Dollar Tree clear vases that has a bottom heavy base. I also get 2 bags of those nice little glass or real rocks.  For branches, look in your yard, take a walk and find some interesting looking ones or if you're looking for a high end look, Michael's or any craft store has all kinds of branches to buy.  Snuggle as many as you think look good down into your vase filled with rocks.  Make sure the branches you get have little tiny arms coming out from the main stem so you have lots of places to hang the leaves.  Next, cut out of construction paper, yellow, red, orange and brown leaves large enough to write on.  Now punch holes in them at one end and tie a circle of gold or brown yarn. I leave a bit of tail on the ties as they look woodsy.  The kids really enjoy helping with this. 

   I put a pretty bowl of blank leaves on the dining table next to the tree and a pen.  We invite guests to add to it too. On Thanksgiving everyone reads them, even though everyone checks everyday to see who wrote what!  Find variations of your own but MAKE ONE, you'll love it and it makes Thanksgiving very special.  It's also a lovely and easy gift to give. Buy the few things needed, do all the cutting and tying, get the branches in the vase and give it to a family to get started. 
Voila!



This picture does not do the tree justice, it really is lovely in person.



     In this photo we didn't have the gold or brown yarn so a light yellow was used...yuk.

     The other great happenings are the 2 birthdays we have in October. On mine we go to Schilter Family Farm (www.schilterfamilyfarm.com) and pick pumpkins, go on a hay ride and do all those fun Fall things that make memories. I take a ton of pictures and the kids get very tired of me and my camera.  The next birthday is our son Mike and he has always wanted the same cake even though he's a great big boy now at 6'2" !

 It's cute and easy.

    Please pretend you don't see the pink candles for this boy's cake. Sometimes things just don't go right you know?  The characters are colored and cut out of a coloring book and laminated. Then we tape a Popsicle stick on the back and plop them into the cake. We've had these same ones for many years and just wipe them off  and pull off the sticks. The pumpkins are of course the Brach's Fall Mix or plain pumpkins. I normally

pipe green vines around the patch but I must have been rushed this year.

   That is my Fall blog for this year. Traditions, traditions, traditions. Hey isn't that from Fiddler on the Roof?

~Blessings~

Lisa

Standing Out.....by Katheryn Cordes

We get a lot of attention when we are out in public. Not an outing goes by without at least one comment on our family. I know we are visually striking: Caucasian parents, three African American kids ages 4 and under. I'm sure my kids being stinkin' cute doesn't help matters either . . . or maybe its the fact that they like to be heard as well as seen. What ever it is, we stand out. 

Growing up as the eldest of 12, I am no stranger to comments. My mom was consistently asked....

"Are they all yours???" 

"Are you done yet?"

and

 "Are you going to have MORE??" 

My mom always answered charitably and kindly, and because of that, it never bothered me. I was proud of my many siblings. Even though we only have three kids so far, I get my fill of comments too. I get all the adoption classics and then some:

 "Are you their real parents?" 

"Where did you get them from?" 

"Are they sisters?" 

"No, but are they REAL sisters?" 

"Did they cost a lot of money?" 

"What happened to her real mom?" 

"Are they adopted?" 

"Do you put makeup on their skin to make it dark?"

 Or my personal-not-so-favorite, "Is he (pointing secretly to Matt with a knowing look) the dad?" 

People are curious.
They want to make sense of an image that does not make sense.
Getting these comments didn't bother me when the kids were younger. I knew people meant well and offensive comments were usually just made out of ignorance. I am having a harder time with it now that my girls are getting older and are very aware of the comments we get.

The children of course know that they are adopted. We have talked about it openly from day one. But when their adoption and differences from us is the one thing pointed out over and over everywhere we go, it bothers me because I do not want that to be the thing they define themselves by. 

Yes, they were adopted.

 It is an important part of them that we honor and hold dear. 

But that is not all they are.

 Take my gorgeous son. Yes, he is adopted. Yes, he has very dark skin. Yes, you cannot believe he is from Michigan because he looks so ethnic he just MUST be from Ethiopia. 

But my son is also....

 curious

 charming

 intelligent

 a chatterbox

 with big opinions that

 he loves expressing

 and the biggest sweetheart who loves kissing his Momma. My children are so much more than where they came from. 

The most interesting thing about them is not the circumstances of their birth. 

I have come to realize that while I can't control the comments people make in front of my kids, I can control the response I give. My kids will watch me smile and beam with pride. They will see that I am comfortable with our differences and talking about them. They will hear me affirm that I am their real mom, that they are sisters, that we are their parents, that we love them and are blessed by them. They will hear that I find fulfillment in being their mom and that there is no where else I would rather be. That will mean so much more to them than what a stranger notices. 

The other day I realized that maybe there is more to this adoption curiosity than meets the eye. Maybe adoption is more tied to integral identity than I had realized. No, my children do not get their identity from the fact that they were adopted by us. But they do get it from the fact that they were adopted by God, just like you and me. God is their Father, and that is their beginning, end, and daily middle. That is where they will find the heart of their significance, their purpose and the sum of who they are. Who their biological parents are is a part of that. Who their adoptive parents are is a part of that. But who their Father is - IS that.

Now that is an image that does not make sense. That the Creator of the world would seek us, choose us, want us to be His sons and daughters. 

That stands out.

Katheryn Cordes is a guest blogger and has written here before. She is the stay~at~home mother of 3 beautiful children and wife of Matthew Cordes. Katheryn is a graduate of Thomas Aquinas College in California and is an accomplished artist in Iconography.

People Are More Important Than Things

I realize I am an old girl in a new world but ya know what????

Put the @#!*% phones down, there are humans in front of you....RECOGNIZE THEM.

 As often happens when I read one of my favorite blogs, my brain zooms into action on a topic that fires me up and boy is this one of them. PHONES....grrrrrrr.

Yes, it is partially because I am an old gal and partially because I am the mother of 8.

 This topic really gets to me because a am a big time people person and I love to connect. Try walking down the street or in a grocery store now.....too funny...or not. Actually I had a better observation picking up my lovely daughter from college. I was sitting in the car waiting for her and I watched as human after human literally missed smacking into a pole by millimeters as they stared blankly at their phones. Not one, EVER looked up to acknowledge another planet dweller. No smiles. No goofy guy nods. No sweet girl smiles. No males or females even looking for each other!  NOTHING...not one among many, many students.


Our daughter, too, is super people oriented and had been ready to whip the world beginning Running Start at the local Community College as a high school senior. She wanted to meet everyone there as she has spent the last years of her life in hospitals, doctor's offices, infusion centers, labs....well you get the gist. She is well spoken, mature.....ready to take on life.  She came home rather deflated telling us they were like robots attached to these phones in class and out. This, coming from a then 17 year old not an old lady like myself.

 My day waiting for her confirmed her tale.

This is hard for me as an extrovert. This short video below shows it perfectly. She sees how no one is wholly present to her. I find myself backing away now from those who do this, as my time is more valuable than those who want to divide my time with a technological instrument.

 Not just my time, But I am more valuable than this. I have taken the time to spend with you. 

 YOU, because you are important and valuable to me. I have better things to do than sit while you pull out an inanimate object.

Please take the short 2 minutes to watch this. It's good. She is fully present in her life....they are busy "catching" or "checking" it as it goes by.....

Being present is so, so important. Especially as fast as life is on this planet now.

I recognize no one wants the "phones are so terrible" speech. My goal is the "humans are infinitely important" emphasis. Recognize if even for an afternoon how often the phone takes you from the face or ears of a human. Any human even if they are not important to you. Maybe you are important to them and you may not know it. There are things I guarantee you are missing. Connections you are meant to have that you are not having. Moments that have gone.....looks that have passed you by because you're checking something "real quick".

God works in a moment.

People relay pain or messages or feelings sometimes in a brief look or body posture......you will miss it glancing at that THING.  You will miss the nuances of life. In some ways it's what we're missing right now in our culture...the little things.

Definition of Nuance:

1: a subtle distinction or variation

2: a subtle quality : nicety

3:sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings (as of meaning, feeling, or value)

a subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound.

"the nuances of facial expression and body language"

synonyms:

fine distinction, subtle difference;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The big things in life get our attention but it's the nuances that shape our life, shape a sentence, shape a day, shape an opinion, shape a mood, so many things. We are missing these nuances because of the glances...... the constant glancing over,  glancing down at those @#!*% phones.  Because a nuance is subtle. Subtle is soft, quick, small, you must be paying attention.  Hear that?

 You must be paying attention.

 Where is everyone's attention? Spend 15 minutes on a bench somewhere.

Maybe just spend 5 minutes less a day checking the phone. Maybe stash it away when the person you love most is talking to you, or the children you love most are telling you about their day. Instead of it being stuck to your palm, maybe put it in a in a drawer for an hour. Or turn off the sound all together??

 Anything is better and better is always good. Not perfect, better.

 People are always more important than things. Ask my kids. They can give you the old eye roll on that. They've heard it since they could walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, people are more important than things mom. It does however work in reverse guys....I have said it many times when I got the call.....

 "Mom...pause....I'm okay ,but....I just had an accident". My first words go something like..."It's just a car, people are more important than things".

~Blessings~

Lisa