Suffering...Grab the Red Cape

You know, suffering is one of those things you will just not escape from.  You can certainly try hard. Americans are masters at trying to escape from anything hard, anything painful. Just check the rate at which anti-depressants are taken. (This is not to negate those who need them for true bio-chemical needs) Then check the rates of alcoholism and drug abuse.

Why the title Grab the Red Cape? Because charging towards your suffering like a bull will often alleviate it and if it is more minor take it away all together. It may take some time and work, but facing pain and suffering will make you an awesome human being. If it is physical it can bring you freedom from resentment and keep you in the game of life. If the pain and suffering is not physical in nature it can actually put it behind you forever!  This is freedom.

If you do not...it will not be pretty. Not for you or anyone around you. You can hide it, you can stuff it way down deep, but it will stay there and rot and fester. It will pop up when you least expect it and in ways you do not recognize.

It must be dealt with and embraced. Suffering is okay....really.

Believe or not I have a right to say this. My family and I have some experience here, some serious down and dirty suffering. Twelve brain surgeries on 7 of us in 6 years. Seven spinal cord surgeries in that same time frame and throw in multiple other surgeries we call minor but that's only in our world compared to brain and spine. It's easily been 40 surgeries. We've spent months in ICU and collectively 2 years across country away from our home for medical reasons leaving children and family. It's been tough.

We have watched children suffer in many different ways.....you parents out there know how many ways your heart can be torn apart. My husband and children have watched me suffer and continue to do so.  This could turn into a book if I write about my family alone. I just wanted to give some credibility to my knowledge of, battle with and overcoming (most of the time) of pain. This is not a silly, flippant blog post. I care, have knowledge of and want to help in the realm of suffering.

I once was on retreat with a wonderful priest who said something so interesting. He said this country is one of the few where when asked ,"How are you?" we respond ,"Fine" whether we are or not. The question isn't really a question. It's a nicety, a greeting. We rarely share what is real.

We seem to feel that suffering is, in some way, a failure. That suffering is going to make us a lesser person or permanently scar us somehow.  It doesn't have to.

Another pathology that is deadly to the soul and mind is the need to somehow retaliate for suffering, to make whomever caused suffering pay....and pay big if possible. We feel something is owed to us if the suffering was caused by another human being or corporation or even God.

I beg to differ on all accounts.

I am certainly glad I do not say this in person or I  might get hurt.

Cases in point....

1. I have watched parents go after physicians because their child came out better after surgery but didn't come out perfect when they knew this was a possibility (especially in neurosurgery) and no mistakes were made. They wanted perfection and there is no perfection on this earth.

2. We had a landlord once who lost a beloved husband early on. She was so angry at God that this shaped the rest of her life and she aimed that anger and resentment at everyone. That one incident of suffering (a terrible one of course)...that one shoving down of anger and hurt at God re-shaped her whole personality. We met her years after the incident and it was not pretty. She actually would tell us why her life was ruined and point to the day and time God took her husband and how he had ruined her life and that it was all his fault. Sad.

3.I have seen and experienced law suits over accidents multiple times. If there is no intent then it is just an accident.  We were hit and our car was totaled on the way home from Children's Hospital. I had children in the car who had multiple spinal cord and brain surgeries as did I. Her insurance company hounded us about what we were going to do. It was so shocking to me, then it dawned on Ed and I because of an unjust lawsuit against us, that they expected us to go after her. Finally they handed it off to a big wig at the company (who ended up a lovely gal) who actually came to our home and told us we could easily get $500,000.00 or more without going to court because of the rare diseases/disorders the kids and I have and the nature of the accident. Geez!  I asked them again, like I did the day of the accident, if there was anything illegal she had done that day....

 She was not drunk
She was not texting
She was not on her phone
It was bad weather
It was just getting dark
It was terrible traffic
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

She did not wake up that morning intending on hurting me or my children. We told them it would be morally wrong for us to demand money for an ACCIDENT and we did not.

To us lawsuits are for bad intent or broken laws such as drunk driving or texting while driving or in the case of a physician, operating while under the influence or without a license. The other types of lawsuits cause more suffering and they alleviate nothing. The money gained will not help suffering at all it only lengthens it's stay and thickens the resentments. I have watched it in friends pursuing lawsuits that went on for years. Yes, they received a tidy sum but no amount of cash can be worth that garbage in your soul.

Have you ever met someone who has suffered a lot and done it well? Have you ever read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom?  Wonderful book. She was a Holocaust survivor who forgave completely.  She found many blessings in a situation that would seem to have none. There are many people who suffered in history like her, who were far better for having been through the fire and came out in the end as fine, polished steel.

All the Saints suffered and could tell you that they came far closer to God through their suffering than they did through any other means. There are endless books out there of folks who have suffered. Pick one up, heck pick up ten if you suffer. You will see it can be done well....and maybe even with some style and humor! When you suffer in this way you keep and gather even more friends and family! People are drawn to those who suffer well.

When you think about the lessons you have learned in your life they are generally learned through hard knocks or sickness or death or suffering of some sort. Rarely are deeply meaningful lessons learned through fluffy life situations. They just aren't. When you take a step back and view suffering without the emotion it is a helpful tool for us. We grow tremendously through it. It is acutely uncomfortable no doubt, but if we can step back from the anger or sadness or whichever emotion is dominant we can see God working to change us.

Don't you pray for ....

Patience?

Temperance?

Kindness?

Joy?

Happiness?

Forbearance?

Wisdom?

Peace?

Be very careful what you pray for because God will give you reasons to USE those and suffering is the reason folks! You have to exercise virtues in order to be good at them and suffering fits the bill....sorry. 

If you fight against suffering, if you hate, if you want someone to pay, if you want others to suffer because you suffer, how exactly do you attain the above virtues? Yeah...it stinks.

There is a learning curve of suffering. You learn to separate the emotions and the intellect. You do feel the intense emotions of suffering but your intellect must tell you God allows this for some greater good for you or others or both. You must listen to this and it has to be the primary driving force of your actions NOT emotions.  It's learning to accept. 

The emotions are too fickle. They are acceptable, they are okay and we need to accept them as real because they are ours, but they cannot be in the driver's seat because they can be destructive. They are childlike.  They want to throw sand in the sandbox of life. The intellect has to drive the spiritual and intellectual bus and our minds and conscience should be well formed.  This tells us we forgive, we accept suffering as a gift from God, we use it and go on without fanfare, without complaining and without compensation, be that a pat on the back, an apology or cash.

God knows and the rewards are later in Heaven. We should use our suffering to serve others. And this red cape business again? Yeah, we must learn in some way or other to walk towards our fears and anger or hurt like a bull charging that red cape. Running away always makes things much worse always. The emotions fester, multiply and get uglier.

If we stuff suffering down deep we cannot get rid of the emotions that come with it. If suffering comes in the form of old hurts we may need to work on forgiving. If it is conflict we may have to write a letter or have a conversation as hard as that may be. If it is being walked on or abused by others, maybe some boundaries are in order. If we are doing the walking or abusing we may need to learn some self control. Find someone who is healthy to help you find the ways to do this.

I realize it is easy to write that paragraph and it is not easy at all to carry any one of those out. Any one of those can provoke intense anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. Even if you pick just one and work on  thinking about it then maybe making a plan of action or talking to a friend or counselor about how to do it, I guarantee some of your emotions will be defused. Taking any sort of positive action at all will always take the air out of a balloon of emotional garbage....always.

Action towards the good is so helpful. Action towards the negative just perpetuates the negative and you stay in the garbage. Period.

Do a comparison. Have you ever known someone who suffers well? Who smiles and laughs despite difficult circumstances? I know many of those kinds of folks and they are amazing. We have spent a great deal of time with families who suffer daily and will continue to for a lifetime....with no end. They inspire me. Now, do you know those who are bitter, complaining and feel they are entitled to something because they suffer?  Oh boy....they make you want to RUN.  You tune them out because they have nothing to give....they take.  They feel justified in their pain and suffering.

Letting go helps you.....hanging on hurts you...period.  Even if you feel justified. Even if you feel you are in the right. Looking good in your justification and pride gets you where?  For how long? Until the next drama?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want to be at peace?

Have you ever looked at a crucifix?

'Nough said.

This is not real life. This is the waiting room for Eternal Life where there is no suffering. Suffering is preparing us for the Party folks. It prepares us to shine. It prepares us to do good for others and put them before ourselves if we can endure and be kind and smile (even when it hurts, even when it's hard). It refines us, rounds our sharp corners. It slows us down, helps take the scales from our eyes if we allow it.  Run towards it, do not hide. You will be a better person if you face it squarely and head on. Get out from under the covers.  It really is a skill, you can get good at.

Suffering is okay. Really.

~Blessings~
Lisa