A Crowded Nest is Best?? Really?

                                   

     Is it really best?  For us it sure is.

    I am reminded since we’re here in New York again, that we have a large family. It isn’t as if the fact escapes me, but Ed and I are certainly used to the size of our brood.  Whenever we are here in New York for a medical trip, it surprises me again and again how well New Yorkers respond to the size of our family. It is a real treat to hear over and over, ”Really, eight children? You are certainly blessed” and they mean it.  We get a far better reaction here than anywhere on the west coast. This seems strange considering the pace of New Yorkers. But we always notice too, New Yorkers tend to be family oriented folks.

   Ed and I wanted a large family from the beginning. We are both from divorced homes, raised by mothers who worked hard and raised us well. But we wanted something different than the family of the 70’s we grew up in and we knew it would require real sacrifice and hard work. We freely chose to give up material things so we could have a large family.  We knew we would do without sometimes but it was worth it to us. We have been blessed abundantly with 8 living children and 8 in heaven. 

     We don’t live a life like many others. We are what might be called Traditional and we like it that way.  We eat at the dining table all three meals of the day, we have Sundays as our day of church and rest with the whole family and any significant others over for the day and evening, we pray before meals, and we laugh a lot.  We have had years and years of noise, messy Lego floors, lots of laundry and love.  We also have significant medical issues and suffering.

   The noise, fights, laughter, playing….all those things that come with a huge family are still so wonder filled for me. I am an only child so it’s all like winning the lottery in my mind. I still sometimes can’t believe I have this many children!  It was a dream from the time I was little and I have been blessed by it coming true.  I watch them often, hoping they appreciate each other and the size of their family.  We have never had any of them say out loud they wished the family was smaller. In fact after we lost our last baby girl, the kids were all devastated. Mike, 12 years old at the time, was really hit hard by that loss and would say Rosaries and Novena’s asking God to send us another baby. It was one of the most precious memories in my parenting. Never in all the new pregnancy announcements to the kids, was anyone ever unhappy, they  were over-the-moon happy every time.  That is a blessing that nothing can be compared to, especially since 6 of the children are boys.

   I have recently witnessed things I had no idea about since I was an only child. Our three oldest boys are grown and in the last few years had grown apart going their separate ways, after having been the 3 Musketeers their whole lives.  It was a natural process I was told but I wondered if they would ever be friends again. All of a sudden they are there for one another during hard times.  I don’t always understand the sibling thing because I never had it, so it is quite foreign to me.  The fact that they had grown apart was really hard for me but the sheer joy of watching them now support one another is very special. They would groan if they heard that, but I’m the Mom and I don’t care!  

    I have watched the girls do the same. As the oldest grew and left home she and her sister were far apart because of personality and age. However, in the last couple of years they have found common ground on many things and both make a huge effort at a sister relationship. It is so lovely to watch.  Ed and I are truly blessed. Blessed because it didn’t just happen, there is real effort at family ties.

   The one thing that is painful for me as a parent is discovering that the family changes as it grows and we are not the same family now that we were 10 years ago. I have not experienced this since I was the only child in my family. This is particularly hard for me because of the medical challenges I have. I feel I am not the same Mom I was to the older ones and this just kills me.  I went 100 miles an hour for years with always a new baby or toddler in tow. I always had a new project going, could stay up ‘till 1AM and still be up at 5:30 AM for my walk, then homeschool the kids during the day.

   I am reminded by friends however, that the younger boys have a Mom who is not quite so busy because I cannot be physically, has more time with them than the older ones got because there are no more new babies, and that nothing stays the same.  Each child is born into a different family than the one before them.

   We once had a service man at the house with his wife and they just marveled at the size of our family and wanted to know what it took to make breakfast. I obliged, telling them that it required 2 dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, 2 pounds of bacon, close to a loaf of bread, and 2 cans of juice.  They just thought that was hilarious!  That was at the height of having everyone home. It was great!

    Those days are not so far gone as we still have 12 yr. old twins as the youngest, but they seem so long ago now when everyone was at home and little. I have all good memories and do not think about the things we didn’t have materially because we always had enough. If any of the kids felt they didn’t have enough, no one has ever said so.  Even now the oldest ones who live in their own homes get lonely for the family and drop in frequently.  I love this.  Whenever someone’s car is having trouble, there is always someone to call, always someone to help, no one in this family is ever alone. I love this.  If someone is down, another family member is there to invite them to a movie, or out to dinner or ice cream.  There is always someone to talk to or talk at as the boys frequently do !  Ribbing siblings is an art form in our home.

   In our crazy medical circus the kids are always there to help even with their own medical challenges. We frequently need someone to drop so-and-so somewhere because I am up at Children’s hospital. I have never heard a complaint about this. When anyone is down with a medical problem someone is there to make a run to the store, make a milkshake for the patient or get them a treat.  On our frequent medical trips the oldest take care of the younger ones while we’re gone and if the younger ones are with us, the older keep the house going perfectly.  We are blessed. We do have funny stories about, say, them having no toilet paper for days on end but we won’t go there J.

   In these years of parenting a large brood, I learned more than I ever thought I could. I learned to be organized, to know myself and nip anger or being overly tired in the bud so as not to take things out on the kids. I learned patience and self control. I learned to work hard on myself daily so I would be someone the kids might learn good habits from. In short, I am a better person because I have a large family. I am certainly a work in progress but the stakes are high when you have children watching your actions and words constantly.  Because of them I am a calmer, kinder person. 

  Children are a gift from God and ours were sent to us on loan to save our souls. Ed and I had to better ourselves for the sake of our children.  A crowded nest certainly IS best!

~Blessings~

       Lisa