Sorry there has been no posting for weeks. We are 3 brain/spine surgeries into this trip and exhausted. Mine went well, Steven's went well and now Bobby recovers in the hospital. It' 4 AM as I write. I haven't had a whole night's sleep in a month. It's all fine though and we are schlepping through it. Thankfully our wonderful Ronald McDonald House of Long Island and it's residents and staff keep us grounded and in wonderful company. We have had much fun and laughter as well on this crazy medical trip.
I am so tired but was thinking last night about what is real in this life. My memory after all these circus antics in the O.R. is getting worse all the time, so I can't remember who taught it to me or where, but the title of this post was pounded in during my faith formation.
Truth, Beauty and Goodness. I was thinking how, regardless of the circumstances of the world we must live in, those three things make life worthy to try and get into heaven to see them in full size and color.
We stood by Bobby's bedside watching him helplessly stare at us wanting to speak, but not being able because of the breathing tube. He was on a ventilator. It was so darn hard, but even during that, I could sort of mentally step back and see that everything was happening as it was supposed to. His lovely nurse did everything that could possibly be done for him and us during a stressful, active time. She was on top of every little thing, speaking to him so softly and with kindness. I just watched her and felt deep gratitude. It was pure goodness that she rubbed his hands, looked right into his eyes and moved as fast as possible to give him a med push to sedate him. It was merciful. Every time he would "come to the surface" so to speak she was right by him. It was more than a job, more than a paycheck. It was Truth, Beauty and Goodness. This was the nitty gritty of all of those acts.
Living at Ronald McDonald House this past month is the same. There is the gamut of wonderful to awful and in it all, is Truth, Beauty and Goodness. We all share things, offer rides, store trips, an ear. Last week I sat with a Mom who had been hit with a mental and emotional 2 X 4 when her son had a simple accident playing and was found to have a brain tumor when they scanned him. Another whose 4 children have what we all do and has been living our same life. Another with a son who struggles with the acceptance of his diagnosis, while the Mother has many of her own medical problems. We talked, laughed and cried into the wee hours of the morning and connected in ways you just can't on the "outside" of this circus. In this circus where we sit, perform, live, we are where the rubber hits the road...walking the walk....you know. Things are very REAL for us, even raw. Last night, this scripture popped out at me.....
Philippians 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
I read once that one mark of a saint is when they come to understand that when you are "up" you will always come "down" and when you are "down" you will always come "up". This is the only way to live constantly in this life of medical mumbo-jumbo. Knowing when things are so very hard, that one day soon we will be doing something totally normal and fun with the family. But to also know, with certainty, that in our life when we are having a breather, the hard times will be back. This doesn't frighten or stress us anymore. It's like breathing. Up and down....up and down. It's all okay. It's all a part of God's plan. It's what was planned from all eternity for us for a greater good. We have to know this deeply or we would truly lose our minds.
Today I was thinking of Ed and how this is so different for each of us. We have the common experience as parents doing all of this, but he has the additional weight of me going through it too. At one point during the whole ventilator time, as I took my turn satnding at Bobby's bedside, he sat down for a moment behind me and I felt like I could read his thoughts. Here he was, helplessly watching his youngest son plead with us with his eyes to rescue him and Ed could do NOTHING to help him. Men are hardwired to solve problems, fix things, rescue. He was watching this scene and here was Bobby in the bed, tubes, drains and wires everywhere, me at his side, bald and with multiple incisions on my own head, one fresh from 2 weeks ago. It had to have been a helpless scene to him. I don't have the weight he carries of having to care for all of us. We haven't even had time to digest or talk about it all yet. I see though, his always being there for us all, for making all the logistics happen smoothly, for never doing anything for himself....in this is Truth, Beauty and Goodness. He is a rock, a rock that is so stinkin' tired...and in this too, there is Truth, Beauty and Goodness.
The staff here at the hospital has been amazing as usual. They care not only for the kids but Ed and I as well. When I had a Mommy Meltdown after Steven's surgery, wondering why I must torture my children over and over, the nurse was there to comfort me and bring me back to the "whys" of why we were there at all. She could see the whole picture when, at that moment, I could not. Her comforting voice, her wisdom and taking the time to talk with me were a huge dose of Truth, Beauty and Goodness on a hard day.
Our surgeon, giving me a tight hug and telling me the 23rd surgery will go as well as the 22nd.....as I was in tears saying good bye yet again to a child at "the kissing corner"; the place where you say your goodbyes before the doors to the O.R. open. His care and understanding were Truth, Beauty and Goodness.
I could go on and on. In the years of this crazy circus, I have come to see the spiritual realm in daily life very clearly because it's so REAL to us. If it isn't our family, it's another of the many medical families we have come to know. It's knowing for ourselves and others, this life passes. That it is real but sort of not real either.....real life begins later with no pain, no sin, only life in the eternal light of Christ and all those who have made it there. I cannot wait. It becomes more real all the time. I have to stay and try to teach our children about suffering, joy, pain and laughter. About them not being the center of their universe, about seeing pain in others and doing something about it. About selflessness, kindness, self restraint and prayer. About Truth, Beauty and Goodness
~Blessings~ Lisa
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