Life is complicated isn't it? This week we had a talk with one of the kids and their significant other about how to fight appropriately. Appropriately you ask? Yes, Ed and I learned on our Engaged Encounter how to fight with rules and we have tried to stick to those rules all these years.
It's so interesting to me how similar we all are when in conflict. One of the "rules" we try to stick to is beginning our sentences with "I" and not "you". "I am so hurt by your comments" is very different than "You hurt my feelings". "I feel like you don't care" is totally different than "You don't care". There is a challenge posed when a sentence begins with "you" during conflict. It instantly puts the other combatant (smile) in a defensive position even if they didn't feel that way to begin with ! From there the argument usually deteriorates because both sides are using words to accuse and defend as opposed to letting the other know how they feel and why.
We try to use this with the kids too. We have found over the last 27 years and 8 children that the response of any child is dictated by how something is communicated to them not what. We rarely have conflict when asking them to do something or clean something up and I believe it's how we ask. I have always believed the kids need to understand they have to help because I need their help and I believe they can get the job done well. Chores around our house each morning are never a source of argument or whining or disobedience. Either I am very, very blessed with perfect children ( uhhh don't think so) or it's because they understand we all work in a family not only to get a job done but because, as I said, I need their help. In addition, each person's work affects others in a chain reaction and understanding this is key to learning to work well. I always thank them and I make sure to praise those efforts in front of them to others.
The other HUGE reason I believe we have compliance is WE NEVER USE CHORES AS A PUNISHMENT. I think this is super important. Why would I think they would want to do something cheerfully that I make them do as a punishment? That is silly to me. My Mom never did this and I was usually happy to help her because I knew she needed my help....daily. I was doing a service, not just working because I was a slave. She always thanked me for my efforts and bragged that I was good about helping her. I am so thankful for that example....especially with 8 children !!
In fact I was rarely "punished" as I can remember and I have never been yelled at....ever. I would get a reeeeaaalllly loooong talk if my behaviour was, shall we say, inadequate. I used to wish I would get a nice beating instead of having to sit through the loooong moral lesson (insert eye roll) she was trying to teach me. However, I always came away with an understanding that she wanted me to be a good person and that giving my best effort was part of that. It was the higher road. That she worked hard every day (and many times into the night with the book keeping she frequently brought home), was reason enough for me to help her do her job well by doing mine. Example. Example. Example. Thanks Mom.
This makes me ponder our new entitled society. What went wrong? It cannot simply be political as many say. My pitiful little opinion is it may have begun in the 50's with the "I want my children to have bigger and better everything than I had". During this time, education began being held in unusually high esteem, higher than work in the family. This concept grew and by the time I was in school in the 70's many of my friends never had chores yet were given much time for homework because grades were of the utmost importance.
This became humorously apparent to me when my first children went to college. They were in disbelief at the general lack of knowledge about how to work a washing machine! We all laughed when they described students making cookies in the dorm. Oh boy, with no experience at all or bothering to read instructions, when the cookies (you know that fake dough stuff in those long rolls?) weren't baking fast enough for their "right now" mentality, the students turned them up to 500 degrees !!! Really??? It made a huge impression on my first two and they were quite proud that not only could they do laundry with no resulting pink underwear, but they could bake, cook and clean. I wonder if they ever thought they would be proud of this?
The basics. The basics are so important to teach our children. Any brilliant kid can get a degree and make a lovely salary (well, maybe not in this economy) but guess what? They have to have clean underwear, eat and have some sort of organizational skills. Perfect grades can't get any of that done. When they were busy studying to be the head of the class our kids were learning not only to get their schoolwork done, but chores, as well as cooking and child care. These things are second nature to large families or any family whose parents took the very valuable time to teach The Basics. Everyone has to master The Basics to be happy I believe. How happy are you when..... you can't find clean clothes, can't have friends over because the apartment is so filthy or you are starving but you never grocery shopped? How about lost keys, being able to find only one of your best shoes or not having a clean towel after your shower? Basics. The lack of them causes anger, stress and anxiety.
We homeschool so our days are different than a family whose children hop on the school bus. It has always, always, always been the rule here that family jobs, daily chores come FIRST in our day even before schoolwork. School doesn't start until the house is in order....ever. This may sound alarming but if the base of our life...our home....is out of control nothing else falls into place well. Peace. There is no peace without order in the home. This practice bleeds out into everything. If we decide to go to the library and run some errands, we never come home to a dirty house. I would feel behind the 8 ball if I had to come home to a mess, then make lunch, then finish school...AAAHHHHHH! How about if someone calls to come over? No problem, the chores are always done first thing in the morning so there is no stress or yelling or panic because we have to rush around cleaning up. Peace. For a home of 10 people we have always had Peace. Quiet? Oh no......no quiet, but Peace :)
This is how we get our kitchen floor clean. The CD payer gets cranked up, the kids fill bowls with hot water and soap and they THROW it onto the floor and slip and slide and scrub! They laugh, scream and yell and have a ball....they ask to do this. Then they get towels and "skate" the floors dry! They end up with some friction burns on their knees but they don't care! We have some awesome videos and memories of the older kids doing this.
~Blessings~
Lisa
